The Over-Educated Nympho

This was a common occurrence with one of my ex-boyfriends: we’d wake up in the morning, I’d try to nuzzle up on him for a morning quickie, he’d brush me off and go to the restroom for his morning dump. He would sit in there for ten, twenty minutes, and then sometimes I’d hear a little moan.

The bastard was looking up porn on his phone, or worse–looking at the pictures of girls in my copy of Cosmopolitan.

Dude. You do NOT turn down sex and then turn around and whack off in the bathroom WHERE I CAN HEAR YOU.

I posted my response, It’s More Than A Miniature Crocodile Head, to our latest question on Chemistry.com’s Great Mate Debate: What’s the best holiday gift you ever got from a romantic partner – and why?

Is it really too much to ask that a boyfriend give me a coupon book of sexual favors? 1 hour between your legs, 2 hours BDSM (and I won’t cry this time), 1 affirmation that your ass cellulite is sexy, 1 full weekend in bed, etc. I mean, DUH. And if there were one that said clean the kitchen, that would be awesome too. Just sayin’. ON YOUR KNEES, BITCH!

Bonus post at Great Mate Debate: The New Year’s Eve Kiss.

I showed up at the restaurant a few minutes late to meet my ex-boyfriend from college. When Nice Ex came up to me I barely recognized him–he was clean-shaven, tidy, and dressed in clothes far nicer than anything I ever saw on him when we were dating. “Aw, Mr. Country Bumpkin is all growned up!” I teased him. And into a sharp-looking trial lawyer–didn’t see that coming.

At first it was awkward but in that cute “I’ve seen you naked” kind of way. In spite of Nice Ex’s nervousness and my sleep deprivation, conversation came easily. I was definitely sizing him up for smoochability. He’s just as sweet and funny as I remember… maybe a friends-with-benefits thing could work out. It was definitely on the table. I thought he felt it too, especially when he ever-so-casually (and not at all convincingly) said, “so last I heard you were about to get married?..”

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I posted my response, There’s Good And There’s Amazing, to our sixth question on Chemistry.com’s Great Mate Debate: What three things do you think are vital to an amazing relationship?

The right answer isn’t “Tivo, wine, and Oreos” is it?

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I posted my response, Blogging & Dating, to our fifth question on Chemistry.com’s Great Mate Debate: So many people are using technology to capture their lives – from camera phones to YouTube, MySpace, and Facebook – that the idea of living a “private life” is changing. What impact do you think this will have on relationships in the future?

This particular topic hit close to home for me. I mean, fuck, sometimes I can’t face my own friends after especially personal (not necessarily sexual) posts, let alone wonder how a significant other would react to reading about how a strip club DJ I met a porn convention gave me eleven orgasms in one night. Oh hell, and I had to go and write about my fucking feelings too. Fuck it. I have no feelings. Go back to reading about the sex.

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aka the alter ego of This Week on “Great Mate Debate.”

I posted my response, If I Wanted You To Know What I Was Thinking, I Would Tell You, to our fourth question on Chemistry.com’s Great Mate Debate: Why do men hate it when women ask, “What are you thinking…?”

The original post I wrote was super long, so I broke it up into two posts. The more thoughtful (less snarky, whatever) portion is on the Great Mate Debate site, and the little nuggets of pure bitch-gold are shown below. The posts are best read together, but I didn’t want to bogart the GMD screen real estate. Or get fired.

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I posted my response, Choosing To Be Together, to our third question on Chemistry.com’s Great Mate Debate: Why do you think so many couples split up once they are “empty nesters” –-once the kids are independent?

If you want to leave a comment, please do so on the Great Mate Debate website so that non-OEN readers may enjoy the brilliant things you have to say. If you have trouble posting there, then it’s okay to do so here.

*Reminder: the questions we are given to answer on GMD are often chosen from suggestions that readers send in. If you have an intriguing (or even better, controversial [ooooh I just felt a gleam in my eye]) question about the nature of relationships, please email it to blogschemistry@match.com and then you can brag to me about how awesome you are when it’s chosen and I will agree whole-heartedly and send you happy thoughts full of chocolate cupcakes.

I (finally*) posted my response, An Innocent Crush Or Insightful Lust, to our second question on Chemistry.com’s Great Mate Debate: Is there anything wrong with a person in a committed relationship having a crush on someone else…as long as it isn’t acted upon? Can it even benefit a relationship?

If you want to leave a comment, please do so on the Great Mate Debate website so that non-OEN readers may enjoy the clever things you write.

*I apologize for this post being late, it was supposed to go up on Monday. My dog chewed my computer. Bad dog. I have revoked her Scooby Doo-watching privileges for a week as punishment.

I posted my response to our first hot-topic question on Chemistry.com’s Great Mate Debate: Do you think couples in which the woman is more successful than the man are more likely to break up than other couples (all else being equal)?

I’m interested to see how you react to the post. I was kind of surprised at my response, but after three days of thinking it over I finally decided to go with my gut reaction.

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Attending a friend’s wedding a couple weeks ago made me very aware of being single. During the ceremony I sat between two couples. Dateless, I sat between two couples. Both of whom were newlyweds and therefore very schmoopie!-schmoopie!! with each other.

At the reception afterward I sat at a table with four other couples. Four couples and me, without a plus-one. It didn’t make me feel guilty or lonely, but it definitely made me feel, ick, something.

I think it’s marriage cooties.

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The break-up was eight and a half months ago. I haven’t talked about the actual break-up that much. The aftermath, the random memories that pop up–these I have mentioned as they crept into my mind because talking about them is the only way to get them to go the fuck away.

Today I had the movie Prime playing as background noise while I moved in and out of the bedroom with laundry and the vacuum cleaner. Suddenly a familiar scene snapped me to attention as if someone had smacked me in the face.

I left the laundry on the floor and sat down at the edge of the bed. Rewind. Princess Dog lay down next to me with a reassuring paw on my leg (how do they know?!). Play.

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The other day I stopped at a Burger King for dinner. I don’t eat fast food very often because if I’m going to eat crap, I’d rather eat sugary or chocolately crap. Lucky Charms at dinner, for example. Colorful, simultaneously soggy and crunchy, and three bucks for an entire box that won’t leave my car smelling like french fries for a week.

But I was damn hungry and far from my two flavors of ice cream waiting for me at home. Burger King it was.

I ordered one of the meals. Chicken strips, onion rings, Dr. Pepper, $4.32.

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