The Over-Educated Nympho

This was the final article I wrote for the Houston Press blog about the 1st Annual Lonestar Pornutopia in early December. My article never got published, and I was never told why. I’m not taking it personally because the (real) journalist’s article for the print edition was never published either.

So I figure it’s been long enough that it’s safe for me to post this without getting bitch-slapped, especially since there was never any contract or money or legal stuff. Hell, they don’t even know my real name. HA. [ohmygod I’m just kidding I LOVE THE HOUSTON PRESS AND IF YOU WANT ME BACK I WILL COME BACK JUST OPEN UP YOUR ARMS BABY AND THE NYMPHO WILL COME RUNNING] So that’s a huge part of the reason I didn’t blog about the porn convention while it was happening. That and the fact that I was so fucking exhausted it took me two weeks and a cold to get back to normal. Porn stars party hard, man.

I have done some minor editing, mostly putting all the curse words back in. Please keep in mind that the following is only a small portion of the many crazy things I witnessed or experienced during those four days. I hope you enjoy the stories that came from the many sacrifices I made here–for the sake of the blog. It is always for the sake of the blog.

H-Town Becomes Porn Town

It’s not just any day when you find yourself holding a porn star’s wang in the dark corner of a seedy swingers club for a photograph.

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Ok I’m tired as fuck because it took me way longer to polish the article for the Houston Press than I expected. How the hell do you trim a 20,000 word story into 1200 without losing a little piece of your soul? It’s like… losing 94% of your body weight. You just don’t do that.

I can’t leave you totally hanging with what went down at the porn convention, so here are some highlights:

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I’m sorry for disappearing recently. Please forgive me, I’ve spent the last four days covering the PORN CONVENTION that came to Houston, Lone Star Pornutopia.

THAT’S RIGHT. THE PORN CONVENTION.

Since Wednesday night I’ve been going out every night with my partner in crime (ie the real staff for the Houston Press) to the events, most of which took place at different strip clubs over the city. And let me tell you, this shit has been exhausting. Even with a last-minute vacation day from work I still haven’t been to bed before five am since Tuesday. –sigh– the sacrifices required for the sake of the blog.

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Soon there is going to be a porn convention here in Texas.

A writer at the Houston Press who likes my stuff has recruited me to co-author a piece with him about the porn convention. I’M GOING TO A PORN CONVENTION. AND THEN I GET TO WRITE ABOUT IT. FOR A REAL NEWSPAPER.

This is like… wow. All poetics have gone out the window. All I’m left with is “wow.”

WOW. And I mean a big ol’ Texas-sized WOW.

I don’t get to do stuff like this at my day job. Wow.