The Over-Educated Nympho

As a single person in my upper twenties, it royally pisses me off when some snot-nosed coworker or relative asks me the dreaded question:

“If you are so [choose all that apply:] ____great ____funny ____sweet ____charming ____good-looking ____successful, then why are you still single?”

I’m guessing that the first thing that comes to mind is “so annoying assholes like you can ask me this question and I have reason to verbally if not physically bitchslap you back to your good sense.”

But that’s not very nice. Shame on you. Your answer should also be snarky:

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Many readers have left comments and emails asking me for tips about how to avoid using your teeth during a blowjob, which is the perfect continuation in the popular How To Give a Blowjob series.

Let’s start with the basics:

Teeth are sharp. They hurt. Keep them away from his dick, at least if you want to see it more than once. Unless if he’s into S&M, but that’s a completely different post you lucky bitch.

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I’ve gotten a lot of emails about what is a good first vibrator (jack rabbit), should you buy a vibrator for your girlfriend/wife (yes, duh), what are other good vibrators (depends on what you want and what you already have), how to bring sex toys into the bedroom/relationship (don’t surprise him with a dildo up the ass, no guy likes that (at first)), do vibrators intimidate guys (see previous response) etc. I’ve a-hem, researched enough over the last couple weeks (and for an hour and a half last night) to answer everyone’s questions. Okay I already knew what to write I just didn’t because I was busy going for a new orgasm record (16).

There are a lot of topics I want to cover, so this post will be the first in a series, starting with Sex Toys 101. The intention of this series is to teach you all the things you wish you had learned in college (but didn’t because you were too busy trying to figure out how to get laid in the first place. Or maybe you were too busy getting shit-faced studying like the good little scholar I’m sure you are).

If you have a question, please don’t hesitate to email me at vixoen@gmail.com or use the contact form at the end of this post and I’ll answer as soon as I can. Remember, this is a happy place. Inappropriate questions are not only welcome, but encouraged. [Unless you’re asking me out, in which case the answer is I’M AN OLD FAT GUY WITH A 44DD MANZIERE AND A DICKDO. But if that turns you on, then come over here and rub ma belly fer me while I suck the grease off these here drumsticks. –passes gas– ]

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The other day I met my friend Dr. Barbie at a coffeeshop where she studied and I “worked” (meaning: I blatantly checked out all the nerdy-cute guys from behind the safety of a notebook). I may be a complete social retard in a bar, but the coffeeshop scene is where I’m in my element. Nerds, intellectuals, and closet freaks, all pumped with caffeine-scented pheromones.It was prime time so every table was taken. My eyes scanned across the room several times before deciding on one guy in particular, who was conveniently seated at two o’clock. He had a good view of me, I of him. A very nice view. Mmm. Diggity.

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This post assumes that you have made it past putting “icky” things in your mouth, getting into the proper sexy mindset, and making your way down the treasure trail. It’s crucial that you feel comfortable giving a blowjob, otherwise even the best technique won’t make you every guy’s fantasy woman.

Ok, well a good blow job is a good blow job but what I’m aiming for is being the girl he fantasizes about years later when he’s thinking about the best head he’s ever had. Just having that attitude of “I want to want to suck you off like no one has ever done before” will get you far.

Don’t believe me? I bet you half the guys who just read those last two sentences got a little hard. Attitude is everything.

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Before we begin, make sure you’ve read How to Give a Blowjob: It’s All in Your Head. And Eyes. Because you can have a great technique, but if your love of sucking cock doesn’t come through the eyes (or if you’re faking the love to begin with), then well that kinda kills it.Then again many guys have said that (assuming there’s no teeth) there is no bad blowjob because his dick in a girl’s mouth is going to be good no matter what. Fine, that may be so. But my competitive side doesn’t want to be “just another blowjob.” I want to be the best fucking blowjob he’s ever had. I want to be remembered.

Here’s how I do that:

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[if you want to see a full listing of all the blowjob posts, go here]

Only half of what makes a blowjob so great is the technique. What pushes a good blowjob over the edge into sweetmercifulcrapWOW is your attitude, i.e. making it obvious to the guy that you love sucking his cock.Let’s go back and repeat that last part slowly: make it obvious to the guy that you love sucking his cock.

Make it obvious to the guy that you love sucking his cock.

I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH.

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How am I supposed to explain how to give good head if so many people are concerned about a much greater obstacle than jaw control? Apparently there are many girls out there who think the penis is icky, ugly, gross, etc., and by association so are blowjobs. Which means we need to back up a little more before diving into the good stuff.

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For those entering the blowjob ring in anticipation of my next post, “How to Give a Blowjob,” please find the appropriate level most suited to your taste and repeat the following mantras.

A special note to beginners: keep repeating until you can actually look the penis in the eye and not run away screaming.

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Having a bad day? Well shit.

Seriously. Go take a shit right now.

I have this thing I call “shit therapy” which came out of some self-help book I was reading on life-coaching or depression or some cry-me-a-fucking-river crap like that, but the book said to locate all of your pain/anguish/frustration in a part of your body because it’s easier to deal with and confront your pain if you can think of it as a tangible object. Or something like that.

But anyway I thought “oh definitely my stomach, because between my legitimate stomach problems and anxiety attacks, it’s always the stomach.” And how do you get did of all those nasty icky things in the stomach? You take a nice satisfying dump.

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One of my beloved readers has just started up a brand-spanking new blog devoted to my all-time favorite muscle, the kegel. She just started it up to help educate women about just how amazing the kegel is (and although I have never mentioned it, the kegel is beneficial for a lot of health-related issues) and to showcase this very very interesting device called the iKegelPro.

hmmmmmm… melikes the sound of this…

I have never had difficultly locating my kegel (well once I knew it existed), which is the main purpose of the iKegelPro, but it looks pretty badass so I’m hoping it helps strengthen my already toned kegel.

My very own iKegelPro is being shipped tomorrow and I will be anxiously awaiting its arrival. There will be a review as soon as I get my horny little hands on it, I assure you.

Go here. Right now.

I’m amazed at how many of my friends don’t know what a kegel muscle is. And then I’m amazed at how many of my friends know what a kegel muscle is, know that they have one, and still don’t do their kegel exercises.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

The kegel is the single most powerful muscle in your body. Or at least it is in mine, because I do my goddamn exercises.

Seriously now. It. is. amazing. Having a toned kegel muscle makes it easier to make your partner orgasm, to make your own orgasms more intense, and most importantly adds a substantial amount of control to exactly when you want your orgasm.

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