10 Things To Do With Those 1000 Business Cards
A couple months ago I got laid off. Boo hoo hoo, yada yada yada. When I packed up my desk, I took with me two nearly full boxes of business cards that our company had recently given me, for a grand total of one thousand-ish business cards. Upon chucking these two bricks of useless cards into a moving box, I snorted at the irony that I was now unemployed. In the two plus months since losing my job, I have come up with many fantastic ways to make use of the business cards with my name proudly printed in bold black ink:
- Use them as neo-post-modernist confetti when doing a performance art piece that the New York Times will hail as “innovative” and “brilliantly expressive of contemporary corporate synergy.”
- Why not continue putting perfectly good business cards to use? Add other crucial information such as “age: 29, status: single, hotornot.com rating: 8.9, profession: it’s complicated, look at my tits instead.”
- Tape cards together to make disposable shoes. Wasteful and trendy! You’ll find your professionally bedazzled feet featured on HGTV soon enough.
- Sneak into former office of employment in the middle of the night. Cover as many public surfaces as possible with your surplus of business cards. Be sure to White-Out your name prior to destruction of property so that no one knows you’re the anal (and impressively meticulous) former employee who would act out to such absurd degree in a time of national economic downsizing.
- Make a massive mini-manuscript of business cards bound together and use them to write the eighth book in the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Naked Duel, in which Dumbledore comes back to life as the little-known seventh member of the Village People and Hermione the muggle confesses that she was secretly Googling the answers all along.
- Get into origami. Fuck those fucking cranes, you can build a fucking Chartres Cathedral out of business cards. Fucking attention whore origami cranes can go fuck themselves.
- Make a tent. Live in it when your broke ass is homeless. Cards can also double as carbs during the harsh winter months.
- Use the blank side of business cards to make your own deck of cards. Since these are smaller than standard playing cards, they are ideal for use when holding with feet instead of hands. [I apologize if this idea has been previously mentioned in a Dilbert comic strip]
- Show up to all future job interviews wearing a business card bikini. Tell interviewer that he can pick any card he wants to use as a reference.
- Fashion business cards into ninja stars. Sell on eBay and become cutting-edge entrepreneur of professional vindictiveness.
