The other day my father mentioned in an email that he once knew person so-and-so. My eyes popped open. I went back and reread the sentence twice. My father knew the minister of what of WHAT COUNTRY?! The words hit me like a baseball bat to the gut.
I know my father was once a powerful man in the business world, but fuck, I didn’t realize what a big deal my father was until I Googled him.
I have always known he was a modest man, but I did not understand what a big fucking deal he once was until I saw page after page of results on Google. Articles quoting him, his name on several boards of trustees and directors, honors, awards, book citations. Fuck.
Who is this man? Is this Dad?! The man who helped me build Lego cities and gave me a lifetime’s worth of zerberts on the belly by the time I was six?
For the rest of the evening, I tried piecing together all my memories of Dad from when he was still living large in Corporate America. I remembered the fancy cocktail parties he hosted for employees, photos of him shaking hands with mayors, being asked to speak at conferences. Sure he got the fuck out of Corporate America ten years ago, but his name still lives strong in the memory of Google.
It never really hit me when I was a kid, because my parents looked and acted as middle-class as could be. They drove Fords and Chevrolets. We lived in a modest house in a modest neighborhood. Sure we were the only kids for blocks who attended prep school, but that was the only thing about us that stood out. We weren’t snobby, so no one thought much of it.
Although Dad never cast his shadow over me, it’s hard not to feel the pressure of living up to his huge number of accomplishments. And it’s not just him; my family is full of remarkable people. It’s daunting. It’s enough to leave someone frozen, or worse–doing everything to become the person she thinks she should be instead of being someone she recognizes.
What do I have? Having three degrees in my family is nothing special. It’s expected.
[I know saying things of this sort with a tone of dismissal is probably going to earn me some harsh comments, but hey–this is the culture I was raised in. Education and accomplishments rule above all else. I vowed a long time ago to write the truth, no matter how awful it may show me to be at the end.]
I don’t like my career enough to do more than what it takes to keep me from getting fired in a recession–which may change in the coming months. By this age my parents had assumed I would have opened my own company, as I once believed too. I should have awards, a patent, fame as the youngest manager in the company’s history–something.
What do I have? This blog that teaches the fine art of giving blowjobs and provides endless anecdotes about the depth of my self-loathing? SUPER. And not particularly original.
It’s not that I want to stand out in my family, which is no easy feat, especially now that my younger brothers are racking up huge accomplishments on their resumes by the semester, but I don’t want to let the hard-won legacy of my father’s name be let down. If I come from extraordinary people, doesn’t that mean I have no excuse to be anything less than that?
For all that my parents have sacrificed (including decades of Dad’s happiness–Corporate America did horrible things to his spirit) and for the ridiculous amount of money they spent to send me to great schools–what do I have to live up to it all? Because I don’t think a full bottle of anti-depressants and an empty glass of whiskey are what they had in mind.
How am I supposed to be a great name that shines bright from the middle of her father’s shadow? I can barely stand to be me some days, let alone someone extraordinary.
Stumble it!
Ceistigh | 20-Dec-09 at 3:43 pm | Permalink
Maybe you’re supposed to shine in some other way
Because you’re an amazing writer and even if your parents didn’t understand it, you stand out and your writing has inspired me more than once to be a more independent woman.
I think your writing hands you a big fat torch to shine out from your father’s shadow.
Red | 20-Dec-09 at 4:00 pm | Permalink
Vix -
I used to worry about the same type of thing (albeit with different situations/nuances), and then my Mom passed away 2 years ago. As she was battling her disease, she told me that she could care less about what I did/accomplished as long as I was happy. She also mentioned that this wasn’t a realization she made during endless chemo and radiation sessions, but something she had felt all along.
When you made the comment about what years in Corporate America did for your Dad’s happiness/spirit, I can’t help but think that he would feel the same way my Mom did. Success can be a good thing, but I don’t know many parents who would choose to see their child be successful if the cost is their child’s happiness. Of course I don’t know your Dad, but I wanted to give you another perspective on it that, if I was a betting type, I’d bet would apply to you.
Eve | 20-Dec-09 at 4:09 pm | Permalink
Believe me when I say you shine simply for being you. To honour who you truly are, that’s something special.
Taoist Biker | 20-Dec-09 at 4:39 pm | Permalink
+1 to Red. I would almost guarantee that your dad would rather you be happy than be renowned.
Find your happiness, and everything else will fall into place. (Yeah. Simple. Hardy-har-har!)
Rob | 20-Dec-09 at 4:47 pm | Permalink
Was it Yahweh or or George F. Will who said, “I yam what I yam, and that’s all that I yam”?
You can make yourself crazy trying to be somebody else.
crisitunity | 20-Dec-09 at 4:57 pm | Permalink
“If I come from extraordinary people, doesn’t that mean I have no excuse to be anything less than that?”
No. No, it doesn’t. It means that you can choose whatever path you want, because you come from people who are intelligent enough to write their own scripts. That’s a gift that most of the world doesn’t have.
And also, you are extraordinary as you are. Whether the world knows it is sort of irrelevant. I know a statement that tidy doesn’t help when you can Google your father and get those kinds of results - believe me, I know - but it’s true. If you choose to be extraordinary at giving blowjobs and nothing else, that is just dandy. You are who you are and you choose your own path.
Missne | 20-Dec-09 at 5:10 pm | Permalink
I think crisitunity has made a really good point - it’s not about having to live up to whatever standards you think they want you to, it’s about having the possibility to take whatever path you choose. It’s really not a demand to follow in his footsteps in one way or another, and I’m sure that’s not how he sees it either - at least it doesn’t sound like it, from what you tell about your view of him when you were a child.
lee | 20-Dec-09 at 5:54 pm | Permalink
I would think your dad would want you to work hard, be self-supporting, stay out of jail, and be happy.
You’re on the right track
Enjoy!
Brazenbonbon | 20-Dec-09 at 7:03 pm | Permalink
Remember when your dad was so excited and proud of you when you finally told him about your writing? I don’t think that would change.
Bisous | 20-Dec-09 at 7:29 pm | Permalink
Oh Vix, regarding the last sentence, sometimes it’s ok to not want to be you, so long as when you do, you want to be the person you actually are, not someone else.
I think you’re wonderful. You’re well spoken (or written at least), funny as hell, and while I know in your family three degrees don’t seem like anything, you’re educated. You’ve got a lot going for you. You’re going to be even more awesome than you already are someday.
Serenity | 20-Dec-09 at 8:49 pm | Permalink
I think the biggest lesson you should take from your dad’s example, is not to let the corporate world steal your life away. You know you’re not happy there, and if something should happen in the new year, i hope you see it as a chance to pursue what really truly makes you happy and satisfied. You know what that is. It’s not in any cubicle.
Tania | 20-Dec-09 at 11:49 pm | Permalink
Honestly, I think what you do with this blog is pretty extraordinary. I’m sure a lot of us here have been inspired by your words, and found comfort in knowing that no matter what our friends/family say, being a nympho does not make you a freak, and it’s possible to be smart and comfortable with your sexuality at the same time. You are completely and utterly awesome and FYI, I thought your blowjob posts were brilliant and contained advice that I put to very good use
Twisted | 21-Dec-09 at 2:36 am | Permalink
You’re saying you’d rather be famous in corporate America than inspire the masses sexually?
No, you won’t probably find much on google if you searched your own name because you have to keep your secret identity intact, but if you search “the over educated nympho” you get pages of results. Penthouse forum, quotes on twitter, and even your own Urban Dictionary. Hell, you’re a house hold name with my friends.
It’s not too shabby, and even if it wasn’t original at first, your blog has inspired the launch of hundreds of other blogs where people hope to be as interesting as you but aren’t. That was almost 5 years ago, ad now your blog is completely your own and I have yet to find another one quite like it.
Fun fact,
if you google my name it comes up with a lesbian porno. One that I’m not even in. At least your hits have to do with you!
Blissful_Explorer | 21-Dec-09 at 11:47 am | Permalink
Platitudes…
All part of our human condition, both the platitudes and your misgivings. What can you, or any of us do about these?
Live your life. CHOOSE the life you live (we live in historically unique times that most of us CAN). Be happy with the life you choose - if you are not, then change it.
We’re all dead for a long, long time. No do-overs. No “challenge calls.” You only get today, whatever happiness you create, and that you give to others. Thanks for shining a little (even through a blog) on me
Maxine | 21-Dec-09 at 4:57 pm | Permalink
Come from a similar over-achieving family babe so know what you mean. And you know what those over-achievers really respect? If you just go and do your own thing without giving a shit what the rest of the family thinks. They might complain to your face but they’ll secretly love it. I think its cool you’re a writer, a family of over-achieving professionals (lawyers etc) is sooo boring. Got to mix it up a little.
Aulë | 21-Dec-09 at 5:01 pm | Permalink
Vix,
A father who formerly ruled a kingdom settles down to raise his little girl. Decades later the girl discovers herself to be a princess.
Sounds like a fairy tale come true. Consider: what happens in most of these tales once the discovery is made? The girl either decides to undertake an adventure or is forced to.
The adventure will test her mettle, increase her courage, and grant her the skills necessary to become a princess in fact as well as a princess in title.
I believe your father was extremely wise to have raised you as someone with sensible and solid middle class values, and to have allowed you to make mistakes and learn from them.
As I said before in a previous comment, you appear in your blogs to be a smart lady with intelligence, courage, and leadership skills who would go very far in any field you choose to undertake.
So I suggest you have a talk with your father and ask him the very same question you have asked us on your blog: how could I best contribute to Civilization on the scale which
you evidently have, but in my own unique manner? And maybe tell him your fears about the recession and your hopes for eventually finding purpose, and ask him for help or advice in same.
Good luck, Princess Vix!
Aulë
Sarah C. | 21-Dec-09 at 5:13 pm | Permalink
First and foremost: Yes, your parents DO expect a lot of you. It’s what they do. However, above all else, they want you to be happy in what you do. Your parents are probably unbelievably proud of you, but may not be that great at voicing it. That’s the way my parents are, anyway. I don’t know you and the only part of your life I know of is what I read here, but I can promise that your parents are crazy-proud of you and would do anything in the world to make sure you succeed.
Ajax | 21-Dec-09 at 6:53 pm | Permalink
Have you read this book: http://www.randomhouse.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9781400063512
From here you see an intimidating outcome. But what do you know of the path that lead there? You see parts of it: The hard work, the finely honed skills, the intellect… Do you also see the breaks, the dominoes that fell just so, the butterflies in the rain forest? What can you control?
Go see Tufte on January 29: http://www.edwardtufte.com/tufte/courses PowerPoint corrupts.
Don't Panic | 21-Dec-09 at 7:04 pm | Permalink
Hang in there, Vix. Being open and honest with what we want is all we have. You are not responsible for making anyone else happy with you, just yourself. I am in the process of going against my family, some friends and potentially losing my job, all for love. If you really want something, go get it.
BTW, still waiting for the book. I bet you could have sold enough to top this year’s salary. Smile.
Randomly Passing By | 21-Dec-09 at 10:57 pm | Permalink
All that could come from the mouth of Ronald Weasley.
I’m sure that in the end you’ll be the best of them all, too … just in your own way.
Niamh | 22-Dec-09 at 12:52 am | Permalink
My friend Siobhan and I think you should listen to this. But only if you turn it up; and close your eyes.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNu44Rtev2E
sophia | 22-Dec-09 at 2:30 pm | Permalink
Vix -
I’m only 16, but I feel as though your blog is narrating my life. To stay true to yourself AND honor your family by changing the world is not an easy task.
But you are an immensely gifted writer - perceptive, empathetic, witty - and if anyone can take the world by storm, it’s YOU.
Don’t worry, keep it real, and everything will fall into place. You’re going places.
Love, Sophia
kc22 | 22-Dec-09 at 6:42 pm | Permalink
“And the shadows that you walk around,
Will still be there, when the sun goes down”
A line from one of my favourite singer/songwriters (Ron Hawkins).
Vix - the shadow is of your own creation. Try to figure out why you needed to create it. Then maybe… you won’t need it any more.
Kimmybr | 22-Dec-09 at 11:14 pm | Permalink
I just want to say that I think you are extraordinary. Being yourself is sometimes the hardest thing to do. Be true to yourself and your dreams. And I happen to agree with others that all your parents have probably ever wanted for you is to use the opportunities that they were able to give you to be happy in your own way.
CJ | 23-Dec-09 at 3:11 am | Permalink
My parents and grandparents achieved a lot of prestige and wealth in their lifetimes as well (even if some didn’t manage that wealth very well, or gave it away to charity). Heck, my Mom was on Oprah. I can relate to your situation.
The first part of my life was spent rebelling against their expectations and judgement, which meant under-achieving unfortunately. I spent a lot of time self-medicating and bitching about the love I didn’t get (if you love me, why do you judge me?), instead of being thankful for the love I was receiving. I didn’t get life. At all.
Once I started getting over myself (oh not so long ago) I realized the creation of beautiful moments, for yourself and others, is the key to happiness. Everything else just comes and goes. For example I’m sure there are gazillions of schools and museums named after rich people who’ve died and who no one cares about or remembers. So just do what makes you happy and hopefully it’s something that improves the lot of others too.
And if it’s any consolation, your blog has helped me grow past my inner bitch, to let go of some baggage and to embrace life more fully. So thank you Vix!
Shasta | 28-Dec-09 at 12:59 am | Permalink
Ok, I’ve been gone for a while and I read this and think to myself “What the hell?!” You are an amazing writer, and if they don’t see that then they should be shot! You shine in other ways. Corporate America doesn’t have to strangle you like it does to many other people.
That Robbie Guy | 29-Dec-09 at 1:55 pm | Permalink
Casted shadows = rays of sunshine.
Or at least to me.
I guess it’s all in how you look at things.
That Robbie Guy | 29-Dec-09 at 1:57 pm | Permalink
So much pressure.
So much expectation of one’s self.
Gosh. I could only imagine being your boyfriend.
To think of how I see myself.
To think of how you would view me.
To think of how your father would view me.
F*ck.
Over Educated Nympho | 30-Dec-09 at 4:19 pm | Permalink
Wow, it seems like this happened so long ago and it was only a week or so. I have a tear-filled post to write about discussing all this with my father on the way to the airport last week. It was brutal–Dad shared all his own Corporate America stories–and freeing.
In a nutshell: Dad said if he still worked his office job, he would have over 5,000 people reporting to him by now–and he probably would have had a heart attack five years ago. I agree. I remember what he was like.
I have no idea when I will be able to write this post, since it will be long and emotional for me to write and Little Bro and I haven’t returned to the hotel before eleven this whole time. We have some badass plans for New Year’s Eve though, which will hopefully be the best New Year’s celebration of my life thus far.
We’ll be spending seven hours on a bus in two days, so I’ll sedate my brother and try to get some writing done at that time. No promises there, but I can tell you we’re having one hell of an amazing time. Check back for brief updates and nightly rounds of Twatters.
Twisted | 31-Dec-09 at 7:42 pm | Permalink
I gave you a shout out on my blog…
“The Over Educated Nympho is best enjoyed with a pint of ice cream, a vibrator, and a fuck-you attitude. ”
Blog pairing is the new wine pairing.
Twisted | 31-Dec-09 at 8:55 pm | Permalink
also, Jim Halpert’s ass.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/101179/the-office-webcam-shock
girlinthemirror | 01-Jan-10 at 7:57 pm | Permalink
I can’t even read a book without thinking about whether I’ll ever sit down and pen something worthwhile myself.
Point is, even if your father didn’t have a big name you’d probably still be giving yourself the same hard time. And I think that’s a good thing. It keeps you on your toes and never content to rest for too long. Don’t measure up against others, measure who youare against the person you are capable of becoming. And go from there.
Over Educated Nympho | 31-Aug-10 at 4:17 pm | Permalink
I stumbled across this old post of mine yesterday while looking for something else relevant to my latest post. Reading it again after all these months made me tear up.
I wrote this post less than a year ago, and already so much has changed. In January I got laid off. Immediately I started my own company, which has done far better than I expected. A month ago I started a new project, writing a novel based on all the males who have influenced my life in every way possible. I firmly believe that getting laid-off was a blessing, because it has given me a chance to pursue dreams I otherwise would have ignored. This year is the opportunity I’ve been dreaming of, and I would be a damn fool to ignore it.
In February, my mother and I got in a fight (if that’s what one would call a heated email exchange between two women who never raise their voices when arguing anyway), and it came out that she doesn’t give a crap what I do with my life as long as I can support myself and be happy doing so. That concession of hers blew my fucking mind. My mother, the one who has held the quarter of a million dollar education over my head for years (which was part of the reason both my brothers went to cheaper prep schools than me, followed by public (albeit fantastic) universities), said she didn’t care if I was in the professional world, a writer, an artist, what-the-hell-ever-I wanted-to-be.
At first I wanted to challenge her newfound generosity of spirit. I remember how hurt I felt when I wrote this post about telling my parents that I want to be a writer one day. Dad was cool with it, but Mom’s silence terrified me more than any amount of yelling could have. And that was only three years ago.
This afternoon I heard the Albert Einstein quotation, “Try not to become a man of success but rather to become a man of value.” I’ve heard that quote before over the years, but with this post fresh in my mind, it rang a lot louder than ever before. I no longer care about being a successful [advertising exec]. All I want to do is have some kind of tiny impact that (cliche as it sounds) makes the world a slightly better place.
I love to tell stories. I love to make people laugh. If I’m being completely honest, my dream is simply to spend the rest of my life making people laugh. It’s that basic, and I do that with my writing. My old career in Corporate America did neither of those. It left me feeling empty and lifeless every day when I drove home from the office. But this? My tiny little blog that follows my every up and down and all-around? It fills me with life.
After being in a waking coma for the last nine months, I came back to the blog. Over the last several days I have read dozens of old posts, including comments. So many of these old posts and comments moved me to tears. At one point I actually wept because I couldn’t believe how stupidly I have fought against being a writer just because of my background and education. Creative spirits are among those who drive the motor of the world. How could I have seen writing as less valuable than an office job with a healthcare plan?
Writing is where I belong.