When Dominic picked me up, he asked what I wanted to do for dinner. I used to say “you!”
Instead I directed him to my favorite greasy Chinese take-out place. We watched a movie and drank cheap red wine. He kept scooting closer to me on the couch. I silently cursed my stomach for not delivering the silent-but-deadly flatulence it normally produced after a double helping of deep-fried orange chicken because then maybe he wouldn’t have kept trying to sit closer to me on the couch.
Dominic’s hand found its way to my knee. Better my knee than my hand, like he attempted earlier. He kept trying to hold my hand, to interlace our fingers in that affectionate way that real couples have with each other. It might have helped if his hands didn’t look as thin and delicate as a girl’s.
His fingers traced a path up and down my calve. He found one of the many patches of hair I had missed during my hasty shave in the shower earlier. He chuckled at the stubble. I offered him a half-smile, but really, I resented him for keeping me from watching Sex and the City in my pajamas with the bottle of wine to myself.
Think of the sex think of the sex think of the sex, I told myself. It was the only reason I hadn’t canceled our weekly meet-up that night, why I had bothered shaving at all. History shows that if I don’t get laid regularly I lose the ability to do simple arithmetic.
Dominic laughed at what a lightweight he was and reached for more wine. I smiled weakly at him. Even though I drank less than I usually do, it was still enough to nearly forget him. An easy task when the guy has no stories, no opinions, no anything to make him remotely remarkable. He doesn’t even have hobbies! How can a person not have hobbies? What does he do with his free time, stare at the wall? His BLANK wall?
I didn’t realize the extents of how uninteresting Dominic was until he couldn’t provide a single answer to any of my questions in the Desert Island game: what five movies would you bring? five books? five songs?! In anticipation of this, I had given him a six-hour head start to think about his answers via email earlier that day.
He has a big dick he has a big dick he has a big dick he has a big dick
I wanted to like Dominic, really I did. It would have made everything so easy. What a pair, the power couple!–both of us with good jobs and newly purchased real estate; a couple years of courtship and riding that big cock, marriage, travel, maybe babies. It would have been nice. Nice in that pleasant and wholly ordinary meh kind of way.
He would have been just like Ex-BF, except with glasses and a different accent. No need to revisit the life I almost had and never wanted. I walked away for a reason. I needed to save my personality before it faded away entirely.
Toward the end of the movie, I started dozing off. Dominic asked me if I was ready for bed. Normally, i.e. if I was horny, I would shake it off and nuzzle up to his neck, my hand pulling up his shirt. But this time, I thought fuck it. I want to go to bed. To sleep.
In bed, just as I was about to drift off into fitful sleep, Dominic turned to me.
“What is it you don’t like about me enough to make me yourrr boyfrriend?” he asked.
Was I already dreaming? Or did Dominic just ask me the biggest dumbfuck question of my dating existence?
I didn’t move, a pillow secured over my head. “I’m trying to sleep,” I mumbled.
“No, rrreally,” he said. “I want to know what you don’t like about me.” I felt him reposition himself on the bed. Presumably to make it easier to talk. Fuck.
“Are you serious? I WAS ALMOST ASLEEP,” I told Dominic.
“No, I want to know, rrreally. Why can’t you be serious with me?” he asked. He leaned in closer and grinned. “Come on, I’m so nice! And I think you arrre ah-mazing.”
“You sound like a fucking girl. Leave me alone,” I mumbled louder.
“Come on. Answerrr me, please!”
“YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A GIRL. STOP IT,” I nearly shouted at him. Now I was sitting up in bed, outraged that he was trying to have this talk–again–AND that I had nearly been asleep.
“Please? Tell me. I want to know.” He smiled extra big.
“Let me get this straight. You want me to give you a list of reasons I don’t want you as a boyfriend?”
“Yes.”
“YOU ARE SO WEIRD OH MY GOD.” I fell back in bed and tried to suffocate myself with a pillow.
“I know. I’m sorrry. I am tipsy. Now tell me.” He scooted closer to me on the bed, perhaps to hear me better from where I was under the pillow.
“I’m not doing that! I’m not telling you all the reasons I don’t like you! That’s so fucked up!” I said from underneath my pillow.
“Viiiix, you tell me now! Please! I can take it. Go ahead.” He lifted the pillow off my face.
“FINE. Um…. You wear too much cologne.”
“No, that is not a rrreal rrreason!”
Fuck. I was trying to get out of this nicely. So much for that. I put the pillow back over my head.
“Do I rrreally wearrr too much cologne?”
“Yes, WAY too much. How many times do you spritz? You should only do one, maybe two.”
“Okay, what else?”
“You’re not funny. Like, AT ALL. That’s a big deal for me.”
My friends were mortified when I told them that Dominic wasn’t funny. Duchess said the multiple orgasms didn’t make up for it, especially since it took me three times to explain to him the meaning behind “that’s what she said.” Eep. What if I told Handsome Twosome, one of the most hilarious people I know? I could imagine him finding Dominic buried between my legs, then dragging him away by his feet while screaming YOU’RE NOT WORTHY! HER PUBIC HAIR IS FUNNIER THAN YOU ARE, MAN!
“Hmm… I can’t do anything about that. I’m not funny. I was born that way,” said Dominic.
Hmph. I wasn’t born funny either, but I actively tried to be funny and after fifteen years it started kicking in. But no need to encourage the guy.
“What else?” he asked.
I looked at him sideways from under the pillow. “I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU ARE MAKING ME TALK ABOUT THIS. YOU ARE BEING SUCH A GIRL.”
“I know. I’m sorry. Now tell me!”
I studied him. I hated that he was making me do this, but if the bastard asked for it, I would be honest.
“You’re boring. Like, REALLY boring.”
He seemed surprised. Oh. I guess boring people are so boring that they can’t see how boring they are? Well then they should stick together! Join a dating website like www.boringmatch.com and leave entertaining people like me alone. GOD.
“Borring? Yes… I see.” His face fell. I softened. No more talking in all-caps.
“I mean, you have no opinions, no favorite anything, no stories, no jokes, no hobbies, no ANYTHING. How is that even possible?! How can you be in your mid-twenties and have nothing to say about anything? IT’S NOT NORMAL.” So much for no more talking in all-caps.
“Oh. Yes. I can’t help it. I’m borring I guess.”
“I’m sorry… but you asked, and I wanted to be honest,” I said quietly. I felt horrible. But then again, someone should tell the guy he’s boring. Maybe he’ll be motivated to be more interesting, like speak in a French accent every other day or start using hand puppets named Clive and Junior and have them talk to each other in a high falsetto. Even strange or possibly possessed is better than boring.
There was another reason, something I would never say to anyone as nice as Dominic: it really weirds me out that he weighs twenty pounds less than me even though he’s several inches taller. My shoulders are as broad as his (granted, guys at the gym have told me they envy my shoulders, which just makes me giggle because I think of them wearing one of my sexy little tube tops). His arms are as thin as mine. If anyone tried to mug us in a parking lot, I feel like I would have to protect him. It’s annoying. I don’t want to be the guy all the time.
When I thought the conversation was over, Dominic started speaking again. I groaned. If he’s going to use his mouth so much it should be for getting me off, not for pissing me off.
“When you get tirred of me, do me a favorrr? Will you still be my frriend even if we no longer have “fun” togetherrr? I get so lonely herre since I moved from the Dominican Rrrepublic.” He looked so sad. It hurt to look at him just then.
Memories of the year I lived in New York City reminded me how incredibly lonely I felt. It pains me to remember.
“Yes. Of course,” I told Dominic. I reached over and placed my palm on his chest. Warmth. I would do for him what little I could, even though it falls far short of what he wants.
“Thank you.” He smiled. His eyes looked wet. I rubbed my hand up and down his chest.
After Dominic left the next morning (without sex or breakfast), I realized that neither of us were good for each other. He was nice. So nice. Too nice for a girl like me. I saw it from the beginning. He saw it too, but he thought he could change me. Get me to come around. Hah. It takes a helluva lot more than wishful thinking to change a girl like me.
What was so bad about Dominic that I couldn’t overlook it for the sake of multiple orgasms?
He couldn’t keep me interested. So much of the attraction for someone is personality. Sure, you can sustain a fuck buddy relationship with someone based solely (you think) on how hot he is, but there is more to it.
My favorite fuck buddy from college was actually kind of an asshole–he openly admitted it–but he was hysterical. Way funnier than I was. When we weren’t rolling around in the sheets or falling off his tiny dorm-sized bed, I turned my smartassness up a notch. Over that semester in college, I rose to his level of funny.
It was with him that I realized humor has its place in the bedroom. Since then, many of the people I’ve had sex with have told me afterward “you’re fun in bed.” It is often said in a way that makes me think it’s a first for the other person. How? SEX IS FUN. Not always obviously, because there are different kinds of sex: sexy sex, angry sex, hot sex, easy sex, weird sex, sympathy sex, lonely sex, silly sex, loving sex, closure sex, revenge sex.
I think sex is supposed to be fun. It sure as fuck can be funny, so you might as well embrace the funny.
Tex’s sense of humor was my favorite thing about him. He was so goddamn witty that it was a constant challenge to one-up him in who could make the other laugh harder. Not only did he keep me at the top of my game, he raised the standards substantially. That’s what made it so hard to get over Tex, because no one else had ever challenged me to such a high level.
I like someone who challenges me in both brains and in humor. Wit. That’s what makes someone so undeniably sexy to me; otherwise my interest disappears, as it did with Dominic. I felt no reason to be sexy or interesting around Dominic anymore because my desire to jump his uninteresting bones dissolved.
He was slight in body, quiet, someone who easily faded into the background. A very nice guy, but nice alone won’t make my panties drop. I need someone intriguing who can seduce with words alone.
Dominic was a whisper of a person. I’m sure he would be an excellent match for many, but not for me. I TALK LIKE THIS TOO MUCH.
Stumble it!
davis | 25-Nov-09 at 9:19 am | Permalink
Good for you! It’s important to let go of people who aren’t right for you. Letting go - dumping - can be ridonkulously hard. Congrats! Never settle
amber | 25-Nov-09 at 9:24 am | Permalink
hmmmmm. this post has left a sour taste in my mouth. perhaps it was partly the repeated anti-feminist “you’re acting like a GIRL” because the poor guy wanted to communicate about emotions, partly the ease at which you tell him all the things wrong with HIM, and partly the narcissistic feel to the whole post. what if instead of insulting him and pointing out his faults, you took a different tact, and pointed out yours? e.g., “I should never have entered this situation knowing I didn’t feel the way about you that you did about me. It wasn’t fair, because I knew I would get what I want, and you’d be left hurt in the end. But I did it, because my ego needs that boost of having someone admire me, while I have the upper hand. I did this in my last fuck buddy situation too. Perhaps I’m not as secure as I pretend to be.” You knew he was boring and unfunny the entire time- why would you enter a relationship with him of any kind and then months later tell him what a loser he is? It seems mean.
Taoist Biker | 25-Nov-09 at 10:11 am | Permalink
Well, I hate to see another Nice Guy hit the bricks, but it was time. If the guy was just boring the shit out of you as your twitters have indicated before, it’s best for everyone involved that he go bye-bye.
Of course, I have to look hard at myself and wonder if I’d be able to pass up some badass sex if I was single just because the chick annoyed the piss out of me. I really don’t know the answer to that question.
Amber, unless I missed something she told him early on that “relationship” wasn’t in the cards, and yet he refused to give it up. That’s how they got into the discussion above - “why don’t you want me as a boyfriend?” Admittedly, I feel a little sorry for the guy, but a) there’s a such thing as really thinking somebody is nice enough to want to look past the simple fact that they just don’t do it for you (I did that for 4.5 years with my ex, and honestly that’s what I kept thinking while I read this post) and b) if you’re over 21 and somebody tells you this isn’t going to end up as a relationship and you keep pursuing them as a relationship, then it’s your own damned fault.
Now what are the odds that my ex is also home for Thanksgiving and I’ll run into her at the grocery store or something? I’m thinking 15%.
Don't Panic | 25-Nov-09 at 11:49 am | Permalink
I have personal experience that “wit” can even over power sexual preference. It is a must have.
sirgalahard | 25-Nov-09 at 12:02 pm | Permalink
Your comments about wit made me think of something my supervisor once said. We work with several people who are razor-sharp smartasses, and the daily banter keeps you laughing and on your toes at all times.
One day we were walking out together, and my supervisor abruptly stopped at the door and sighed as he took a deep breath. I asked him what he was doing.
“Sometimes I have to remind myself,” he said, “that the people out there aren’t as clever as the people in here.”
And that’s the way it is for relationships, too. If you’re having to sigh and take a deep breath before being with someone, you’re downshifting when you need someone more clever and challenging. Dominic is perfect — for someone else.
Julie | 25-Nov-09 at 12:02 pm | Permalink
Frankly, I’m glad you’re talking about Dominic in the past tense….
Nola | 25-Nov-09 at 12:04 pm | Permalink
So, the moral of the story is that it’s ok to fuck a guy who’s been an asshole but is both INCREDIBLE in bed AND one of the most interesting people I know.
That’s what I’m taking from it because that’s what I plan on doing this weekend.
BTW, I agree with Amber about the “you’re such a girl” thing - I find most guys have more feelings about this sort of thing than actual real and not stereotypical women. And I really don’t like “girl” ever used as an insult because it enforces sexism. (We women can use it privately amongst ourselves only - like the n-word, I guess.)
But, I find it INCREDIBLY rude to keep somebody awake when they’ve made it clear that they want to sleep and not talk, and you deserve what you get when you’re a jerk like that.
k | 25-Nov-09 at 12:26 pm | Permalink
it’s fine to have a fuck buddy, and to string a man along with sex.
it’s not so fine to string along a guy for sex and then not have sex with him, but still have him over, get him to sleep in your bed and then piss all over his feelings without using YOUR mouth to get HIM off.
Buster | 25-Nov-09 at 12:35 pm | Permalink
While I can understand the importance of wit and intellectual stimulation, I think Vix finally hit on here the biggest reason why it wasn’t going to work out between she and Dominic: “I don’t want to be the guy all the time.”
The biggest issue is really the fact that Vix won’t feel protected by Dominic. More accurately, he doesn’t deliver the sense of emotional security that she needs to feel comfortable in the relationship (which I short-hand to “protected;” no offense intended to the undoubtedly capable Vix). She doesn’t feel like he’s got the physical or mental fortitude to take care of business if things go bad. We’re talking in a rather broad sense in the modern world, not the ability to beat down a sabre-toothed tiger, but that’s still millenia of evolutionary hardwiring. It’s the basic emotional dynamic that underlies most relationships: women want a man who makes them feel safe by virtue of a capability that instills a sense of trust and confidence and men want to have their masculinity validated by the woman.
Being boring and not witty are more surface level, though significant points. They’re easy to point at, but they miss the root problem. If Dominic were a hunky bad-ass but kind of boring things may have gone differently (at least for a while).
Thanks for helping me understand why my math skills are so shoddy. It’s been a while for me…
Innocent Loverboy | 25-Nov-09 at 12:54 pm | Permalink
Well, you certainly always make me laugh.
Bonus Fun Fact: The most intense orgasms make you laugh, as opposed to a moan.
SweetChuck | 25-Nov-09 at 2:07 pm | Permalink
The frustrated part of me wants to say: “I think the problem is many of us guys have been raised on the idea that in order to be good boyfriends/husbands, we have to be emotionally available, unimpulsive, adults. Yet so often women go after the guys that act out like children because they are funny/good looking/easy. Maybe if ya’ll could figure out what the hell you want, we could just be that guy.”
But the reality is, that is totally unfair. I’m frustrated because the women I have loved do not love me. It’s just that simple. It can’t be generalized, every relationship is different. When I first read this post I was angry because I have been “Dominic” so many times, now I have to come to terms with who I am, and what I want and need.
Thank you for the insight from the other side.
Kelkelt2389 | 25-Nov-09 at 2:17 pm | Permalink
So how big was big? lol
David | 25-Nov-09 at 2:48 pm | Permalink
That was kinda cruel. You should have let him go gently a long time ago.
Stephanie | 25-Nov-09 at 2:48 pm | Permalink
frankly, I agree with amber. usually I can really relate. right now? you just seem like a bitch.
Bonnie | 25-Nov-09 at 3:11 pm | Permalink
Okay I understand your feelings towards a person that you just don’t “click” with but to go in on him like that that was a little too much. Sure he was being annoying but if you told him how you felt without the venom then he’ll probably appreciate the message even more maybe not right then but down the road. I hope he doesn’t turn into a douche because I’ve come across a few broken men who’ve been hurt and then they turn into dicks with the next woman.
Andi | 25-Nov-09 at 3:55 pm | Permalink
You used a great analogy there yourself, Vix.
He’s 20 pounds lighter than you.
Um, yeah. It’s not him. It’s YOU.
The same way you need to quit being a lazy, fat woman and STOP STUFFING YOUR FACE WITH FATTENING FOOD [all caps, because I’m that awesome] - you ALSO need to stop being so full of yourself that you feel it is perfectly okay to be harsh to someone who cares about you and -for some odd reason- seems to worship the ground you walk on.
Just a thought.
He deserved better than that.
Vix, you love yourself so much there’s no room in your life for anyone else.
I’m not saying you should keep seeing him. Heck, I’m not even saying you shouldn’t have dragged this on for so long. All I’m saying is, why be such an asshole about it, Vix? Come on.
And to all those of you *cough* PAWNS! *cough* about to say it’s Vix’s life, she does what she wants with it; it’s also her choice to put it in a blog for all of us to opine.
X | 25-Nov-09 at 4:11 pm | Permalink
Boring is the ultimate deal-breaker. Nice, rich, whatever, doesn’t make up for it. I tried to force myself to be with a nice, successful, BORING guy because everything about him was right– on paper. I wanted to be with him and forget all about the “wrong” guy I couldn’t get out of my head: a married co-worker. But I couldn’t do it, I ditched him. I decided I would rather be alone than be with the boring guy. And I was alone, again, for a time. But, after a long struggle, I’m with no-longer-married coworker– the funniest, most interesting, most wonderful man I’ve ever met. Never thought it would happen for me, but it finally did. It wasn’t easy– still isn’t sometimes. But worth the wait.
John | 25-Nov-09 at 4:17 pm | Permalink
Another one bites the dust. I can’t help but think that Vix will break quite a few hearts along the way. Quite a few. Heaps.
Jul | 25-Nov-09 at 7:16 pm | Permalink
That whole “break-up” process sounds like torture for him. If he was a nice guy, why did you wait till you got REALLY bored of him to dump him? This guy was the marine 2.0, which should have told you right away it would not work in your favour. You cant have fuck buddies who like you. Its seems that you only pick ones that want to love you, and even though you don’t want that you still see them. This has nothing to do with him being boring, but you picking the wrong guy. I think this guy got burned and he didn’t deserve it at all. If you really just want sex, the best way to go about that is to find guys that are only interested in you for sex. Both Dominic and the marine wanted more than that, but stuck around because thats all they got.
Tania | 25-Nov-09 at 7:30 pm | Permalink
All those people paying out Vix are being a LITTLE bit harsh, I reckon…but perhaps I say that because I’ve been with a guy like Dominic before- super-nice, but boring and essentially a girl. ( I feel bad about calling guys ‘girls’ too, particularly because it kinda makes girls look bad- often these guys are girlier and more emotional than actual girls)
Anyway, Vix did TRY to let him down gently, but he was the one who kept pushing her to be honest. And it’s not like he didn’t know that she didn’t want a relationship, it was his
(somewhat misguided) decision to stick around in the hope that she’d change her mind.
Alison | 25-Nov-09 at 7:42 pm | Permalink
Jeez Andi, calm down. I thought Vix was a little harsh but you don’t see me sinking to the level of insulting. Though I must say…people who feel the need to insult other’s appearances tend to be the people who are most self-conscious themselves, the lowest self-esteem. People who are confident in themselves and happier just don’t feel the need to say those things to others (at least not out loud…). So be happy!
It’s just a breakup, no need to get all upset over a breakup of people you don’t even know personally. Breakups happen, they’re not fun and they’re not supposed to be nice. There are reasons you don’t want to be with someone long-term, usually not so nice reasons, so while it may be a bit harsh you don’t need to sugar coat it sometimes. I’d rather hear the truth than some half-truth or lie that keeps me up wondering at night and hopeful thar maybe that person will come back.
Dick | 25-Nov-09 at 8:21 pm | Permalink
I think you should just turn pro and start selling it instead of extorting it. Just be upfront about it. A rose by any other name….
Vix the Over Educated Nympho | 25-Nov-09 at 8:50 pm | Permalink
Thank you to everyone for your comments thus far. Although one or two have been made me want to screech “asshaaaaat” and throw the nearest object (fittingly enough, a rotting banana) at the patio door, most comments were thought-provoking and gave me some topics to consider in the current post I’m working on. The first part of my response addresses several comments at once, so pardon me for not answering them all one by one.
I would hardly call my treatment of Dominic “harsh” or “venomous.” During the talk itself, my tone was one of exasperation, especially since half of it was something he had pulled out of me already on the first date. I was very careful not to use a complaining or annoyed tone, because, well, the guy wanted a list of what I didn’t like about him. Holy fuck, how do you navigate that minefield with any grace at all? Besides, he was so incredibly nice, I would have been perfectly happy to have skipped the detailed list of less-than-desirable traits he requested. If he hadn’t pressed, I would have left it at “I’m sorry but I’m not interested in you anymore.”
I told Dominic from day one that 1) I was not looking for a serious relationship with him 2) if EITHER of us was getting too involved, then we should stop seeing each other 3) if either of us met someone we wanted to date seriously, to break things off with each other immediately. Ironically I said this for Dominic’s sake, because he had told me he had been spending a lot of time on dating websites and speed-dating trying to meet girls. He should not stop looking on my account, especially if he had the chance to date a girl who wanted to be seriously involved.
To reiterate: I said all these things on our first date. I put all my cards out on the table and told him he could take them or leave them, no hard feelings. He seemed a bit surprised at my forwardness, and then said that it was okay because he could tell I like to be the one to call the shots in a relationship. I agreed immediately and then clarified “actually, I like to call the shots in everything, not just relationships.” I did not hide my intentions or mislead Dominic.
Amber–If I were looking for a guy to use for an ego boost, I assure you I would have picked someone much hotter. And probably not so smart either. Please do not think that I kept Dominic around because of confidence or vanity. It was loneliness. The other post I’ve been working on for the last week is called “Just Me” and addresses the issue of loneliness (and the subsequent bad decisions I make). FYI when I want a quick shot of self-confidence, I go read fmylife.com. That ego boost comes with giggles instead of theses on why I’m a terrible human being.
k–It’s not like I told Dominic to come over just so he’d buy me the $6.50 Chinese take-out I wanted and then purposely not put out; he came over, I told him I was feeling tired from my day but I thought I’d be good, we watched tv, then I started falling asleep unusually early. By the time we moved to bed, I was too tired to brush my teeth, let alone blow him.
Buster–I’m glad you mentioned the “don’t want to feel like the guy all the time” issue, because that has been a running theme in every serious or casual relationship I have ever been involved in–except with Tex, the one break-up that crippled me. I don’t understand that part (theories? seriously, I’m clueless on the Tex aberration), but the important point is that I always feel like the typical guy in the relationship, but until Dominic it has only been in the emotional way. Dominic smaller than average stature was the first time I also physically felt like I was in the typical male position. It was unsettling. Not because I want the guy to be able to protect me in that caveman way, but because I like a guy who can BE the guy in bed. Throw me around, flip me over, hold me down–all that deliciously raunchy stuff that brings out my combative nature alongside the craving to meet a guy who won’t let me get away with all the dominating shit I normally pull off. Dominic? On our first date he said, “You could beat me up if you wanted to, couldn’t you?” And I said “Yup.” It was that obvious. MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THE FUCKING GIRL IN BED. Jeez.
Andi–Um, pardon me for being rude as you so articulately demonstrated yourself, but who the fuck are you? I would take some of your vicious remarks more seriously if you were not a first-time commenter and if you didn’t call me things like “a lazy, fat woman.” What does that even have to DO with Dominic or the break-up process? If you want to assault my character, at least use big-girl words like “morally deplorable” or “scheming narcissist.” Rational discussions are fine; childish insults are not.
If you want to pick on my weight, then you please provide more solid examples on which to base your claim. Could I stand to lose some weight? Shucks, of course. Is it a priority of mine right now? Not at all! Please, the holidays–it’s the season of eating! Sure, Dominic weighed twenty pounds less than me, but that is not because I’m fat; Dominic has a slender build for a guy of 5′11″. His entire frame/body structure was the same if not smaller than mine, right down to his unusually thin wrists. See my earlier response to Buster about why size was an issue.
Why did you bother with a tirade about my lazy self-imposed fatness? Were you trying to push my buttons? If so, you are so far off that you might as well be poking me in the belly button in search of the illustrious g-spot.
Your statement “Vix, you love yourself so much there’s no room in your life for anyone else” is fascinating. So many facets! I am delighted with the opportunity your attempt at a vicious attack on my character has provided me in exploring the many ways that I suck. THE BLOG ITSELF obviously has been insufficient.
Firstly, you must be a new reader, because the extent of my self-loathing is both deep and well documented on the blog (and my new Twitter account too! they’re bite-size nuggets of self-hatred for those who don’t have the attention span for a blog) Secondly, if you were perceptive, you would have accurately claimed that I loved the way Dominic saw me. That perception was short-lived, because he saw the stirrings of my dark side and he happily stayed away from me during that period. Regardless, the multiple orgasms distracted me for a couple more weeks before my head cleared.
Thirdly, well, you’re just wrong. As both readers and friends alike have told me numerous times, as much as I think of myself as a cold-hearted bitch (my exact words), I have so much love in my heart with nowhere to go that it’s simply easier to try to convince myself that I’m a cold-hearted bitch who is mean as fuck. My favorite self-deprecating jokes revolve around me being mean, not how I came in an hour late for work because I got caught up in gazing at my reflection in the bathroom mirror.
What it comes down to is I’m lonely. Yes I am selfish as well, but not when it comes to the people who make my world light up during the darkest of times. My parents, my brothers, my closest girl friends Duchess, Sweetie Pie, Barbie, Perfectly Normal Friend–I would rip the fucking spine out of anyone who ever attempts to hurt them.
Some final parting words for our new commenter Andi–if you ever dare say anything so rude to me again, I will sit my big fat ass on your face for as long as it takes to suffocate you and leave some nice Vix-shaped cellulite dimples imprinted on your merry cheeks.
John–Can you really claim this as a “broken heart” situation? On the first date I told him that I did not want a boyfriend or anything serious. He agreed to that. He made jokes about trying to win me over to become his girlfriend. I told him don’t bother. There is not a whole lot of gray area for a guy to hide in if he wants to claim a broken heart here.
Dick–Wow, you sure know how to be one, don’t you? You want to play that game? I tell ya what, if you come by my place and leave a twenty on the night stand, I’ll do my best not to bite your shit off. Kisses, darling!
Brittany | 25-Nov-09 at 8:54 pm | Permalink
I feel exactly the same way. Wit and cleverness are two of THE most important things to me - and that’s how I judge the worthiness of guys. They have to be able to entertain me and make me laugh and think and ugh, I just can’t deal with boring.
Stephanie | 25-Nov-09 at 9:23 pm | Permalink
Yeah, your response just makes me think you need to grow up all the more. =/
Am seriously disappointed. To be honest, this blog has helped me get a lot of sexual confidence but this is just really disappointing.
GROW UP.
JfC | 25-Nov-09 at 9:30 pm | Permalink
I don’t blame you for speaking as you did to Dominic. He put you on the spot and then prodded you. I will say that it’s odd for a self-proclaimed feminist to call someone a ‘girl’ as an insult and reinforce gender stereotypes about emotions and communication. But I don’t think you treated Dominic unfairly. You were explicit about your wants and expectations. There were some parallels there to the Marine, but it’s good you didn’t let it cycle over as long as your interaction with him. I would say you didn’t give Dominic as much ‘room for interpretation’.
Over Educated Nympho | 25-Nov-09 at 9:58 pm | Permalink
Stephanie. Babycakes. Kindly indulge me in my childish behavior for twelve more seconds. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0aI-4w1bW8
Tiberius | 25-Nov-09 at 10:12 pm | Permalink
Vix,
Coming from a rather nasty breakup of a three year relationship, let me briefly paraphrase and reiterate what Taoist said: When he ceased to hold your interest, it was time to end it.
I love my ex, and probably always will, but the relationship itself wasn’t there anymore, and we were drifting in seperate directions. The interest in who we were, wasn’t there anymore. So I called it off because it was time to move on.
I think you made the right choice.
As for the Tex thing: You were getting what you wanted, to be the girl in all parts of the relationship. It crippled you because he was the only relationship up to date where he was the man all the way through. It hurt so bad because you didn’t realize just how much you wanted it, until you’d had it, and it vanished out from underneath you by no fault of your own.
You have trouble finding a guy that will treat you like a princess, and know that you want him to be The Man at all times, while still being kind, generous, funny, and the other qualities you value.
For what it’s worth, your tweets make me smile and I look forward to the Turkey Day Antics.
Regards and Best Wishes for a Full and Happy Stomach,
Tiberius
Aulë | 25-Nov-09 at 10:22 pm | Permalink
Vix,
Your comments regarding humor and wit remind me of a famous author known as Spider Robinson who seems to think similarly. I have liked nearly all of his novels, especially the Callahan Chronicles starting with Callahan’s Crosstime Saloon or Lady Slings The Booze.
They might be out of print at the Barnes and Noble bookstore, but you could likely find it in a second hand bookstore. The puns themselves are especially breathtaking and in my opinion worth your time, and some of the character development definitely resembles some of the pain you have gone through.
Try them. I think you will like them, and reading them at home will make the time alone fly a lot faster.
Best,
Aulë
Thing Two | 25-Nov-09 at 10:27 pm | Permalink
You were up front and honest from day one. I find this situation strikingly similar to the end of your relationship with the Marine-in a way. You told them both what you wanted, and it doesn’t seem to work out. But that’s the thing I feel a lot of commenters are forgetting-Sometimes, things just doesn’t work out the way you planned (The Marine, Dominic), or come to their natural conclusion (Jazz Man).
As long as you keep being up front about what you want, when things do EXACTLY as you warned them not to, you can’t really be held accountable for your response, so long as it’s what you said your response would be. You told Dominic you didn’t want a relationship. He asked why. You told him. He brought it up again and again and again. You provided reasons-since when did simple reasoning equate to being a bitch? And I’m sure we’ve all been there with the whole being exhausted, but someone keeps you up thing. Especially when it’s some asinine question, as posed above, I’m sure everyone can attest to how awful it is. And yet, you tackled it pretty damn gracefully.
Vix, I feel that nothing you did was wrong here. As an avid reader of your blog, I have never thought that you ended things for an invalid reason, as you always warn respective partners of your intentions. This situation was no different. You ended things in a mature fashion, when even as you said, the entire subject was a freaking mine to step around.
So, congratulations on being a mature, stable woman, and proudly responding to those who haven’t figured out how to be one quite yet with uncanny wit :).
monica | 25-Nov-09 at 10:41 pm | Permalink
if you put all your cards on the table on the first date..it doesn’t matter if thirty amazing have gone by. in the end of the day if you laid it out in the beginning you did your part end of story. he can interpret it any way he wants to you did your part
lol if anyone is going to bug you to tell them why you dont want to be with them when you are half asleep deserves to get snapped at. it’s protocol especially in adhd land: tho must not disturbeth the add/adhders in times of slumber otherwise the big effing grouchy beat explodes.
i tried to have a serious convo with a past boyfriend once in the middle of the night. he was dead tired, i was emotional. i kept rambling until he started snoring louder than me talking. its hard to break up with someone when they’re snoring lol
important convos with nice respectful answers are given at the appropriate time…wake someone up expect to get bitched at and at least you were honest
cheers!
girlinthemirror | 25-Nov-09 at 10:53 pm | Permalink
I didn’t really enjoy reading this post. Mainly because it didn’t seem like it came from the heart. It seemed, rather, that you were posting to justify your reasons for not falling for this guy to a bunch of people who don’t even know him. You have every right to not be interested in someone. And you don’t even need a reason to feel that way sometimes. Keep writing for yourself. To clear your head and your heart. Not to clear the hot air that a bunch of people are blowing off.
Twisted | 25-Nov-09 at 11:10 pm | Permalink
First of all,
ICE CREAM IS FUCKING DELICIOUS. As are carbs, assorted alcohols, and CHEESES.
I wrote like 6 paragraphs but I couldn’t get all the stuff on my mind about Andi out there. But I’m pissed.
Vix, your self loathing is on my mind a lot. I worry about you so much! Andi’s a dick for saying you’re in love with yourself too much. He obviously doesn’t read your blog or your tweets.
I am very angered. And I’m gonna write you a letter because you’re awesome and I’ve adored you for 4 years now.
You were 100% right to leave Dom. Every reason makes sense. Also, I would really really like some more booty/booby pics. Thank you.
Twisted | 25-Nov-09 at 11:13 pm | Permalink
PISSED.
So so SO fucking pissed at Andi.
I would so stick my 8 inch stiletto in that fuck’s ass.
It’s not like you need anything but support at the moment either! You’re all bummed out and Dom was a big part in that! He was a wonderful dude and all, but he reminded you that you’re worried that you might not find Mr. Right.
Maybe you’re too awesome? What with the law school, private education, T and A, and BJ skills.
Tone it down Vix! …or switch to women,
Twisted | 25-Nov-09 at 11:19 pm | Permalink
AHHHHHH!!!
FUCK. DO NOT GROW UP. Go wear your fucking Christmas panties and get smashing hair cuts by Duchess and fart and giggle.
I’m so mad. I’m seething right now.
Vix! Please turn off your computer and ignore these people.
FUCK.
Over Educated Nympho | 25-Nov-09 at 11:25 pm | Permalink
Twisted–oh my beloved, I can’t stop giggling. Please visit Texas soon so we can go have a deliciously fat-filled drink together. First round on me.
Eric | 26-Nov-09 at 1:46 am | Permalink
Vix, I can’t help but feel bad for the guy and it sounds like it was a bit harsh. That said, I don’t think you really did anything wrong. I’d go into more detail but I think this is enough to convey the point
uneditedmara | 26-Nov-09 at 1:54 am | Permalink
In a way, Dominic got what he deserved. He wanted more from a relationship that was only supposed to be nothing more than what was agreed upon.
Could you have let him down in a more gentle way? Maybe. Would he have gotten the hint? I doubt.
The “harsh” breakup was a necessary evil. Else, he was just going to hear what he wanted to hear and thus, mislead himself on. Sometimes you just have to be cruel to be nice.
Missne | 26-Nov-09 at 2:18 am | Permalink
I don’t know… I figured I’d reply, but after all this… All I can distill my opinions to is that I think you did the right thing, he knew what he was getting into. As for the anti-feministic “you are such a girl” I can sorta agree with why another statement might have been useful, but heck, being that tired and that sick of the subject, I can’t say I would have been more eloquent and politically correct.
If so many of us get you, while he, face to face, don’t, then maybe he just ain’t the one, right?
Strong choice. Hope he can settle for being friends.
Adri | 26-Nov-09 at 2:42 am | Permalink
Seriously people he asked! I love all these people leaving comments saying that you were too “harsh” but HE asked. He asked and you were honest with him. If you already told him where you stood on your relationship with him and he was the one who wanted to know more in detail then everyone needs to just shut up and take it. Plus boring people wouldn’t understand it if you just gave them a hint. He never would have got it and would have kept living in his happy, little, boring, bubble of pink fuzziness.
John | 26-Nov-09 at 4:00 am | Permalink
Tiberius - I think that one of the reasons that Tex broke up with Vix was because they’d never had sex, yet she had a sex blog that he knew about. That would confuse most guys.
adorabilly | 26-Nov-09 at 5:07 am | Permalink
Vix.
I’m sorry. Sorry that you are going through this crap. Sorry that you have asshats and douches who find your blog and then decide to judge you for posting your thoughts and feelings about YOUR LIFE.
If they don’t like it, they can bloody well fuck off.
We (your loyal readers) know you through your writing and it has been an honor to watch you develop and “grow up” over time.
Hoping that all is well from Dubai. Happy Thanksgiving.
Crisa | 26-Nov-09 at 5:16 am | Permalink
I think it’s good that sometimes you receive a streight opinion like Dominic did. It makes you work with yourself, and improve yourself.
Being a nice guy it’s not enaugh. I’ve been with nice guys, who were ready to kiss my ass any time. Take my dog out, bring me cereals to bed. But when someone is so charmed by you, you lose you interest in charming them. You start treating them bad, you don’t care if you look like hell and he sees you. So you become less then you really are, and you start hating yourselv, and him to.
So it’s better to put and end to things before they go that way.
PS: sorry for my English.
Innocent Loverboy | 26-Nov-09 at 5:29 am | Permalink
Okay, everyone should be nice and quiet, this has gone on long enough.
Vix, you were a bit mean to Dominic but, as you have said, he did ask for a list and you gave it to him. As a guy myself, I know perfectly well that guys often ask these things when they don’t want such a list - however, you gave him plenty of chances to avoid hearing you listing, and he didn’t take any of them.
Maybe he didn’t realise. But anyway, you were being you, he was being him. You were cruel and pointed, but as you’ve said, you were only doing what he asked. Can’t fault you for that, really.
And to everyone else - although varying views are fun to discuss (one of the reasons I like blogging comments), we all have to accept that this is, essentially, a situation between Vix and Dominic. We are casual observers, and Vix is relaying her side of the story to us - we should realise that Vix did all she did on her own terms.
Yes, I’m sure we may all have handled the situation differently, but this was her life and ultimately her choice.
And it’s in the past. It happened. Nothing’s going to change it.
So, even if you don’t agree with Vix, yelling at her isn’t going to fix anything. It’s a waste of time, and ultimately a waste of virtual breath. If you think she was mean to Dominic, then what are you for being mean to her? A hypocrite, quite possibly.
So, please - everyone. Calm down. And move on.
Ryan | 26-Nov-09 at 6:22 am | Permalink
Vix…. I don’t want you to take this in the ‘Omg! Omg! Marry me!!!’ type way, but I fuckin love you. haha
Because on one hand I can see where Dominic is coming from wanting to be with you. But on the other hand, I know in the long run you’re going to be much better off having done this. So I’m extremely proud of you. There’s far too many people out there who wouldn’t be able to look at the big picture, and end up doing something they’ll come to regret.
Nola | 26-Nov-09 at 9:34 am | Permalink
When I was in high school I had a good friend about a decade older, so I often relied on her advice.
The best? She knew her husband was the one when they sat down and his thighs were larger than hers. She was a freakin cheerleader but large-boned, and wanted a man who was bigger.
I know it’s stupid but she nailed what I felt instinctively.
We don’t have to apologize for this and I TOTALLY get where you’re coming from on the thin wrists and fingers - BLECH. I put up with a lot for my current fuck buddy because the man can - and does - completely manhandle me. It is so delicious.
I am not saying objectively that small-framed men are repulsive - not at all! They just are to me. And I’m ok with that.
RM | 26-Nov-09 at 9:43 am | Permalink
I also object to your use of “acting like a girl” as an insult; you are a feminist and it is incontrovertibly an anti-feminist statement. However, no one is a perfect feminist, and you clearly have a lingering attachment to gender roles. The problem comes in with the fact that you don’t want to play the stereotypical “female” part, because you identify more easily with the “male” part. You are at odds with yourself. Example: you are very direct and like to go after what you want. But you believe it is the man’s role to chase after a woman. So you frustrate yourself trying to get them to chase after you. You seem to fear being too “masculine” even as you are proud of your “masculine” qualities. But those aren’t really men’s qualities. Having them doesn’t make you a man. And having “feminine” qualities doesn’t make a man weak. So don’t worry about it so much. Embrace who you are and do things the way you want. Forget about what’s “supposed” to happen in male-female relationships.
rocketman | 26-Nov-09 at 10:05 am | Permalink
This all makes me glad I lift weights, so I can make a girl feel like a girl.
Little Red | 26-Nov-09 at 10:42 am | Permalink
Gosh, Vix. I feel bad for Dominic, but he was kind of asking for it. You laid all your cards on the table for him. He just chose to continue on the path that would ultimately end in getting hurt, because he was so emotionally invested when you were so obviously not.
You were kind of mean, but once again…well, he asked for it. I probably would have done the same thing in your shoes.
PickledLeprechauns | 26-Nov-09 at 10:45 am | Permalink
I agree, dainty men and/or short men are icky.
However, I also agree with Andi’s assessment that you love yourself too much to have space for anyone else. It’s not even a bad thing, so I don’t understand why anyone is getting their panties in a twist. Self-deprecation doesn’t mean you don’t love yourself; you don’t have to be NICE to yourself to love yourself. I love myself more than anyone else could, so I choose not to have someone by my side. It’s not a bad thing whatsoever. I used to be terribly mean to myself, but I’m working on changing that.
You don’t need anyone, so there’s no sense in settling for someone who isn’t SUPERAMAZINGWHOA, even though sometimes you might want nothing more than a warm chest to lean against. The right man (or woman) is worth waiting for. So are you.
Lucky | 26-Nov-09 at 2:55 pm | Permalink
Good thing this ain’t a democracy!
Keep doing it your way, Vix. These darlings can save their seemingly infinite wisdom for their own lives.
Bisous | 26-Nov-09 at 8:15 pm | Permalink
Vix,
All I can say is that I’m very proud that you settled the Dominic thing at last. You have no need to justify yourself and your decisions to your readers. Those of us who are here (and have been here) for the long haul, know you well enough that we aren’t going to judge you for something not working out. People like Andi need to just back off, and you should not listen to them. Just get stabby at them and be done with it
Speaking of stabby !\_ I got your reward for the emoticon the other week, and I love it! It has brightened my last few weeks more than you could possibly know. Thank you so much, and don’t ever stop being you. All of your readers love you and would stab our stilettos into places your first time commenters would not enjoy… or at least I would.
Happy Thanksgiving. I’m enjoying your twatter antics.
Tiberius | 27-Nov-09 at 2:47 am | Permalink
John,
I would think most guys would have the common sense to understand that a woman who is passionate about sex, but does not offer to shar eit iwth you right off the bat, does so for an obvious reason: She wants the relationship to be something more. If all he wanted was twat, then he should have said so from the get go. I thought it was easily understandable that she wanted it to be something special with him, not something that was expected, or even something required.
Tim | 27-Nov-09 at 4:51 am | Permalink
Man, you’d think your readers would be a little more understanding. :/
Interestingly, your harshest critics seem to be female.
Admittedly, calling Dominic a girl also made me slightly uncomfortable, but I come from Hyper PC Land (a state of being, not a physical place), and I’m well aware of that. It seems incredibly rude to comment negatively on your character because of it.
Philip Clark | 27-Nov-09 at 9:19 am | Permalink
I’m just picturing this dude going home and sitting down and staring at his blank wall and saying to himself, “A girrl. Yes. I am like a girrrrl.”
AKC | 27-Nov-09 at 4:24 pm | Permalink
haha
You’re funny and I like you.
Amy | 27-Nov-09 at 4:48 pm | Permalink
Wow…Ok one, i completely support this post. You handled things in a very HONEST and SENSIBLE manner. I don’t understand what is difficult to understand about things that happened between you and Dom, or why you even have to justify any of it in the “Long comment.” IT MAKES FUCKING SENSE!! leave it alone people!! lmao Man, i dated a guy that sounded just like Dom. i even stood with him way longer than i should’ve because “he was nice”. No interests besides computer and video games, no hobbies, no stories, NOTHING. Finally it was all “AHhhhhhhhhhhh!!! i can’t do this any more” I also felt like the dude in the relationship!! how does that happen?! Seriously, how? So, I’m 100% with ya on this Vix!
Advocate | 27-Nov-09 at 10:17 pm | Permalink
When we find ourselves in these situations, I wonder why we chose to say “you’re not funny” and “you’re boring,” rather than “I don’t share your sense of humour” or “I find you boring”? Is it a desire to vanquish the opponent? The excitement from inflicting an emotional wound? A rationalization of our decision?
solo | 28-Nov-09 at 10:07 am | Permalink
wow, i didn’t stop by for a few days and lookie lu what all I missed…you don’t need my opinion, you handled the comments really awesome in true Vix fashion! I am actually happy to see your spunk come out, just sorry there are so many mean people that think that YOUR blog is here for them to unleashe their nastiness. Love ya Vix!!
amy | 28-Nov-09 at 11:59 am | Permalink
you did as well as i think anyone would’ve if they were in your exact position and had your understanding of the possible outcomes; I mean really, how many people have had their (semi-not-relationship-really) ex try convince them that they should keep seeing each other after you’ve given a half assed reason for the split to save their feelings? clean break saves a lot of time and usually unintentional confusion, you go girl! never let others peoples feelings decide your own
SilverAeris | 28-Nov-09 at 5:30 pm | Permalink
I think these things happen ’cause Vix has high standards for fuck buddy relationships.
“Sure, you can sustain a fuck buddy relationship with someone based solely (you think) on how hot he is, but there is more to it.”
As long as the sex is good and there is some physical attraction there, the fb relationship can be sustained for many people. But for you, this doesn’t work, which is fine - I just think it does lead to these type of situations with the Marine and Dominic. You do hang out with them, eat together, watch movies so there is something more than sex there. Like you said, you get lonely and want companionship but not exactly a boyfriend.
I’ve been in this situation before where I had a friends with benefits situation and I did lay my cards out at the beginning. He liked me more than I liked him and I broke it off with him and he wanted to know the reasons, etc. I can say I did nothing wrong because I said from the beginning I was not looking for a relationship and I said this more than once. But, I knew from the beginning I was not going to grow feelings for him, and I knew he only agreed to my “terms” because it was the only way to be close to me. Therefore I personally feel that I was somewhat responsible in keeping that arrangement going longer than I should have. Yes he knew what he was getting into, but I understand it’s difficult for those that do have feelings to cut things off.
Therefore, I feel it’s a good idea to stay away from those that we know are looking for more than just sex, even if we say our intentions first.
The D | 29-Nov-09 at 12:49 pm | Permalink
-claps hands in delight-
YOU ROSS-FLOPPED SOMEONE!!!
I heart you so.
lee | 29-Nov-09 at 7:02 pm | Permalink
Certainly a unique way of delivering a “dear john” message - in bed late at night.
You did the right thing. I thought you should have done it much much earlier. Obviously from your comments you were definitely NOT into him.
(ps. how big?)
Josh | 11-Dec-09 at 1:44 am | Permalink
Holy F.. that is a lot of response posts and a couple beastly responses.
I got a very different read on the event as compared to what post of the posters seem to think. People of different cultures think differently. Some places, you just don’t learn to ‘entertain’ like that and you view masculinity or sexuality slightly differently. Now, you don’t have to adapt to that, if you don’t think the guy has redeeming qualities to make the transition worth it. On the flipside though, if Dominic is a worthy nice guy..
..try putting him into a position which will test his wit, rather than asking him to display it upon the snap of your fingers. I had a Korean friend I used to do homework with. Thought the kid was dry as anything, barely had a personality, so much so that I dragged him out to a party to try and liven things up for him. Chit-chat wasn’t his thing, but given the reins to the wheels of steel, the kid was an unbelievable DJ. I would have never expected that. Needless to say, I have continued to hang out with the kid, even though he isn’t as vocal as most of my social circle and he never opens his mouth for that witty banter.
If the verbal sparring is that important, forget I said anything. It might justifiably be that for you.
Josh | 11-Dec-09 at 1:45 am | Permalink
Holy F.. that is a lot of response posts and a couple beastly responses.
I got a very different read on the event as compared to what post of the posters seem to think. People of different cultures think differently. Some places, you just don’t learn to ‘entertain’ like that and you view masculinity or sexuality slightly differently. Now, you don’t have to adapt to that, if you don’t think the guy has redeeming qualities to make the transition worth it. On the flipside though, if Dominic is a worthy nice guy..
..try putting him into a position which will test his wit, rather than asking him to display it upon the snap of your fingers. I had a Korean friend I used to do homework with. Thought the kid was dry as anything, barely had a personality, so much so that I dragged him out to a party to try and liven things up for him. Chit-chat wasn’t his thing, but given the reins to the wheels of steel, the kid was an unbelievable DJ. I would have never expected that. Needless to say, I have continued to hang out with the kid, even though he isn’t as vocal as most of my social circle and he never opens his mouth for that witty banter.
If the verbal sparring is that important, forget I said anything. It might justifiably be that for you.