About Me:
Hi. I’m cute, horny, and need help painting my new house because it keeps getting in the way of my goal to be naked as much as possible. I like reading, blowing, and moaning. Also, I enjoy a good quiche Lorraine.
About You:
Must be willing to cook, fuck, do dishes, clean, fuck some more, sweep, paint, pick up heavy boxes (preferably while tan and glistening), and be completely agreeable when I go into a rage about having to drive to Home Depot for the third time that day to buy more paint for the cabinets. Then calm me down with multiple orgasms. If you’ve ever gotten a submission accepted to textsfromlastnight.com, I will consider extending the contract terms because I swear I’ve seen like eight of my soul mates on that site.
No vegetarians, Jesus freaks, assholes, or druggies please.
Terms
Will date for one month or until all walls/cabinets painted. Will compensate with copious amounts of sex and occasional baked goods.
“Dating” will not begin until both parties have signed the following contract with amendments for duration. Now accepting applicants. Be prepared to paint a wall as part of the interview process. Bribery in all forms not only accepted, but demanded. Also, there will be a timed competition in how quickly you can take off your pants.
Stumble it!
melanonia | 14-Aug-09 at 12:54 am | Permalink
haaa!
Tales From A Bar Stool | 14-Aug-09 at 3:09 am | Permalink
Nice… I think you just described the dream man. Isn’t there some Keanu Reeves movie where Charlize Theron wanted to date him for just one month? November something…
Excellent idea in my book… Good luck with your search
Taoist Biker | 14-Aug-09 at 7:06 am | Permalink
Hmm. Take away the limited duration (and, of course, the fucking) and it sounds a lot like marriage.
Now that I’ve lost some weight, I think I can just yank my jeans down without unzipping etc. (and I think that earns bonus points over the guys who’ll cheat and wear sweats or gym shorts) - but I don’t think my wife will let me race. (At least not in front of another judge.)
As a somewhat-related aside, even as a guy, I think the intro to HBO’s “Hung” is awesome. $5 says if I link to it this comment will be held for moderation, so I’ll just say go search for it on YouTube. I find myself singing it and/or playing it if my guitar is handy every time the show comes on. Of course, my wife makes me stop, which is probably not a good sign.
Almighty Tallest | 14-Aug-09 at 7:21 am | Permalink
I can also drop my jeans without unzipping. Hell, without undoing my belt.
Alas, if only I were in Texas….
dave | 14-Aug-09 at 9:19 am | Permalink
you are not only funny, you are a control freak.i bet in the sex dept you want to be submissive, yet become bored.
great blog…hope you find your painter
Rae | 14-Aug-09 at 1:51 pm | Permalink
I’m a woman, sorry. I’d lend you my boyfriend, but he’d either come back broken or in love with you so no go lol. Hope it goes well with the search, though I’m not sure how easy it’ll be to find a guy with all those qualities and abilities. I know your jack rabbit can’t paint, but still…
Justin | 14-Aug-09 at 3:55 pm | Permalink
I have those qualities, just ask my girlfriend
Le Moi | 14-Aug-09 at 4:27 pm | Permalink
Girlfriend says I’m not allowed to stick it in anyone from Texas, sorry.
Wincent | 14-Aug-09 at 7:52 pm | Permalink
Hmmmm, well here’s a shot in the dark:
Good:
Painted before (been awhile though)
General handy man, from computers to lightbulbs
Willing to learn
Polite
Can drop pants very quickly (due to said pants being for 255 pound stomach, not 215, and I REFUSE to eat tuna)
Worked at UPS central shipping so knows how to move boxes
Enjoys cooking and knows how to operate a kitchen including hand washing dishs
Has been repeatedly told: Listens well, so much so that chose psychology as a major
Don’t drink,smoke, or do drugs
Now Bad:
College student one semister from graduating at UTSA (San Antonio).
24 Year old Virgin - willing to learn but inexperienced, completely.
Initally shy
Still bloody overweight (my goal is sub 200)
Games saturdays at Universal City (Dnd 4th ed.)
Hasen’t Painted in awhile
Due to lack of experience unsure how well would deal with termination of contract
Possiable transportation issues (sharing a car)
Blushes furiously (like right now)
Soo, there be meh’ resume, anyone think ah got a shot?* =P oh sec need to tack one onto end of bad list: Likes to make many jokes, often at the expense of quality through high quantity.
(This post is serious but I’m not placing any bets on getting far in the line I figure is forming outside Vix’s door) Good Luck lass!* (* = scottish/Scottie [Star Trek] accent)
-Wincent
GM | 14-Aug-09 at 9:31 pm | Permalink
Well, atleast Wincent doesn’t play Warcraft…
SwGts | 15-Aug-09 at 3:42 am | Permalink
Awesome I meet ALL of the criteria! Where do i fax my application into?
Wincent | 15-Aug-09 at 9:42 am | Permalink
.> *whistles innocently* *minimizes a Warcraft screen then closes it*
Chris | 15-Aug-09 at 3:54 pm | Permalink
Lets paint naked. Just gotta keep the AC on high. I’d win the pants off and have more time for other things. What time should I be there?
EG | 15-Aug-09 at 5:13 pm | Permalink
Damn. Wrong state. Already helped lots of people move this summer…picking up a few boxes or a Vix into the air would be fun.
EG | 15-Aug-09 at 5:13 pm | Permalink
Damn. Wrong state. Already helped lots of people move this summer…picking up a few boxes or a Vix into the air would be fun, and painting is easy.
EG | 15-Aug-09 at 5:14 pm | Permalink
Damn. Wrong state. Already helped lots of people move this summer…picking up a few boxes or a Vix into the air would be fun, and painting is easy. Grill a mean steak and dessert. Hmm…steak…sex…boxes..sex..dessert…sex…maybe a road trip is in order.
EG | 15-Aug-09 at 5:15 pm | Permalink
bah- dupe posts
adorabilly | 16-Aug-09 at 7:40 am | Permalink
Adorabilly wife just tsk tsked and pointed out that you like Boobies.
She wants to know if you have a form for females…
I’m not sure if I should be worried about that…
SemiAssHat | 16-Aug-09 at 1:54 pm | Permalink
I can have your cabinets/house painted in a couple of days….but when I’m done with you, you’ll need a carton of cigs and 3 weeks to recover…..
Vincent | 17-Aug-09 at 8:49 pm | Permalink
what kind of a name is Wincent?
beckster | 17-Aug-09 at 9:21 pm | Permalink
Wow. I dunno how you do it but simple posts like this make this happily married straight woman want to throw her husband to the side for a day or ten of crazy ass sex. I think you have super powers-seduction sexy super powers. Damn you.
*as a side note: warcraft is awesome.*
Twisted | 18-Aug-09 at 1:37 am | Permalink
THE MARINE HAS MUSCLES TO PAINT AND CARRY SHIT!!! He also has a super dick to play with! He’s whipped as fuck! He’ll do dishes!
Now what did that voicemail say??
Just do it Vix! Puh-leassssse! I am so down for some more marine lovin!!
Wincent | 18-Aug-09 at 7:52 pm | Permalink
Vincent in German, or at least what my teacher called me while I was going to grade school in Germany.
Warcraft… should I mention I’m taking this weekend off to go to Blizzcon? *cackle*
Quasior | 18-Aug-09 at 9:23 pm | Permalink
Well, would you look at that… the peeps coming out of the woodworks for a female in need…
As for Tex, you’ve proved yourself better than that ass, aim higher!
oeng38 | 19-Aug-09 at 12:43 am | Permalink
I knew the Marine would be back. I was saving one for him:
Our Vix had a great big Marine
Who could give her six in fifteen
But so much was lacking
He had to go packing
His talent was huge, but obscene.
That stupid twitter is squandering your gift. Get serious again!
Ellie on Oz | 19-Aug-09 at 11:17 pm | Permalink
I’m sorry Vix, not even for you can I join Twitter. But I still have the odd squizz.
GM | 21-Aug-09 at 4:13 pm | Permalink
Ha! Hillarious stuff. If you decreased the term of service you would get more out of state applicants. Hell…I would totally take 1/1.5 week(s) of vacation from work to work on a house/fuck repeatedly. Guys have to do chores like that all the time just for the hope of fucking some women so entering into an agreement with a card carrying nympho doesn’t really phase me that much. The only concern I would have is the painting the wall as part of the interview process. You could hypothetically have your entire house painted without any sex ever taking place if you abused this. If you write a compensatory blowjob into the contract regardless of whether the temporary boyfriend position is offered, then you have a deal. Feel free to do any pre-travel vetting you feel is appropriate.
Not in TX | 25-Aug-09 at 1:21 am | Permalink
I can do all that. In fact, I’ll venture to guess I can do all that better than you have ever seen/felt/tasted. I just have a hard time doing it for a piece of ass; honestly, I’m not sure the trade’s fair. But, to come clean, I suppose I’ve done far more for what ultimately amounted to just a piece of ass anyhow. Difference was, was that came with all the pain in the ass that a piece ass so often does when it goes by the name of “girlfriend” which incidentally, you seem to have covered with the contract, so out the window that argument goes…
Anyhow, painting really sucks, you know? You probably don’t know–you just imagine you know. Well, you’re right. It DOES suck. Big time. So I don’t do it anymore. Which is not to say my walls are stark white mind you. I’d tell you on here what I do, hell I could point you to my website, but I’d rather my clients not know how I entertain myself late at night. There’s really just no need. You’ll have to ask me about it I suppose. Paint’s a lot cheaper though; I suspect you’re on a budget and my stuff would likely blow that well out of the water. Never mind then.
So, I’d make an exception. I’ll paint this one last time only because I’ve got shit (in the “not much at all” sense of shit, not the “I’m shit-deep in trouble” shit and need a place to go on the DL for a while, variety) going on at the moment. You better be good under the sheets though. Or wherever else it might happen. You are more than moderately attractive, right? I’ll need to see a pic prior to signing on the dotted line…
Moving on, my services come with their own set of stipulations however. To begin:
You will be responsible for all of the at-home cooked food expense. And I’m a good fucking cook. So when I say I need the *insert basic ingredient here* that costs twice as much as what you would normally buy, don’t fucking bitch about it, just buy it. It’s why mine tastes better than yours. Well, that and I know exactly what the fuck I’m doing and I do it really well.
You’d do good to send along a list of a few of your favorite dishes/cuisines so I have a general idea of what we’re to be in for. It’ll also help me plan. I need to know about your pans and knives as well. Brands, models, condition, shapes and sizes, type stuff. I suspect I’ll need to bring my own, but you might well surprise me on this one. I don’t bake, so your baked goods will be much appreciated. I’ll do the majority of the cooking and I’ll do the dishes, but you will be expected to help out with some small things here and there. Not for all meals, just dinner mostly, and not all of the time. Think of it as not quite a prep cook but more than a, “I’ll be in the living room watching TV” relationship.
Generally I am loath to go to the store. Unless you can really make the experience far more engaging than I am used to, plan on taking care of that one by yourself. Really, I’m supposed to be painting anyhow.
Speaking of painting, if you want a shitty looking job, by all means buy cheap throw-away brushes and rollers. Find someone else to paint your walls too. I’ll require professional grade brushes and rollers. Your walls will look better for it. Trust me. And I’ll be in a better mood at the end of the day. Also, we’ll discuss a timeline for completion of the work, and I’ll keep to that, but there will be no bitching and griping if I choose now and again to sit in the sun for several hours with several drinks having passed through my hands during that time. You’ll get your walls, you’ll get them when we agree on, but my schedule will be (largely) set by me. So don’t complain about it. If you really don’t like something I am doing, try taking your clothes off. Most likely I’ll stop said undesirable activity.
Lastly, (for the moment anyhow) don’t expect a sample wall. For one, I’m out of state so you’ll just have to take my word that as with the kitchen, I know exactly what the fuck I am doing. Further, you start having multiple people all doing a sample wall for Sunday amateur night auditions, well, you might as well have the local frat house send over the new recruits with the beer bong and several cases of Lone Star, wait an hour, and then ask them to take turns projectile vomiting all over your walls because that’s about how good they will look.
We’ll get to the plane ticket later.