The Over-Educated Nympho

I hate having upstairs neighbors. Unless if you live in a very solidly built apartment, you can hear every footstep and thud coming from the people living above you. This is why whenever possible I live on the top floor. I would rather walk up and down three flights of stairs six times every day than hear Elton John music coming through my ceiling. Nothing against Elton John! B-B-B-B-Bennie and the Jets! She’s got electric boobs and mohair shoes! But it should be my choice to listen to Elton John, not Joe Jackass upstairs.

Tonight I was in my bedroom writing when I heard a noise. It was the distinct creaking that only a bed can make, and it was creaking in the rhythm that only sex can bring out from a bed.

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I didn’t know what it was at first. Something about my new boyfriend Tex was weirding me out to the point that I noticed how unusually hands-off I was being. I found it especially odd because he’s the most attractive guy I’ve been with in a long time.Tex’s teeth and laugh alone made him five times cuter than The Marine.

And then I figured it out, and I was mortified. My new boyfriend acts and looks exactly like my brother.

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This is about the post I was writing last night that as you can see was not published. Every once in a while I like to write in the style of Bridget Jones’s Diary, like I did here, here, and here.

12:05 p.m. New boyfriend went out of town this weekend! Lovely, can just catch up on writing and things around the house.
12:07 p.m. Right, will just watch the telly for a bit.
1:02 p.m. Love telly, a wonderful contraption truly. Only Oreos and online banking are superior contributions by mankind. And rubbers, obviously. Otherwise would have twelve little ankle-biters calling me “Mum” and demanding that I unlock them from inside the closet.

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When you first start dating someone wonderful, every conversation is filled with “me too!”s, adoring eyes, and warm fuzzies. Same likes and dislikes, every match bringing you closer to that “he’s too good to be true” mantra. No one that wonderful can exist. The universe doesn’t work that way.

“I love gouda cheese.” Me too! “I have ADHD.” Me too! “I hate licorice. It tastes like feet.” I know, me too! “I love lamp.” Me too! “I hate cooking, but I don’t mind doing dishes.” Really?! That’s perfect! I love cooking and I hate doing dishes! Do me on the kitchen counter, you fool!

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Please read Our Unofficial First Date Part 1 first because otherwise, you know, it’s like showing up to a movie when it’s halfway over. Most people are already done with their overpriced munchies by then.

After seeing IT Guy’s enthusiastic reaction to the news that I write, it was time to open up as wide as my legs can go. I had to tell him the bottom line, that I am a sex blogger after-hours. I’m sure he never would have thought that of a girl who walks around the office dressed like a tight-ass. Hey man, nymphos shop at Banana Republic too.

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Originally my first date with IT Guy[aka Tex] was supposed to be on Monday, but Hurricane Ike’s arrival early Saturday morning threw everything to shit. Power was still out almost everywhere, so we postponed our romantic first date at IT Guy’s favorite cafe until later in the week when things returned to normal-ish.

Meanwhile on Sunday evening I had electricity at my place and IT Guy didn’t. The fact that he had a back-up generator was irrelevant. I suggested that he come over and enjoy my air conditioning in exchange for him bringing his entire Family Guy DVD collection. I knew the sparks were going to fly so much that I worried I might lose my power again.

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I know I am very behind in posting about IT Guy (blame the hurricane and thus the broken internet), but so much has happened in the last week that he has already invited me to meet his parents for Sunday brunch. That’s right, we are moving deep into boyfriend-girlfriend territory.

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The Marine and I walked around the neighborhood with my dogs the evening after Hurricane Ike hit. Every single street was full of leaves, branches, upturned trees, pieces of roofing material, random debris, down power lines, and occasionally glass. Everywhere I looked it was obvious that we had just been through a hurricane. The air felt oddly cool and crisp, which was unusual for the summertime in Texas. It was downright eerie.

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The following post is part narrative and part informational for those who wonder exactly what it’s like to go through a hurricane. My recommendation: DON’T. This post is rather long, so if you want the short version all you need to know is that really, really sucked. I would have preferred to give myself an appendectomy with a broken pencil and a Popsicle stick.

Even though I’ve lived in Texas most of my life, I’ve never been through a hurricane before. Hurricane scares and evacuations yes, but not a bona fide hurricane with 100 mph winds. It was no Hurricane Katrina, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t scare the holy flapjacks out of me.

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Power and internet has finally been restored to my part of the city after a category 2 hurricane came through Texas early Saturday morning. Let me just say THAT SUCKED. I hid in my closet most of the night and wondered why the wine/Benadryl/Melatonin combination wasn’t helping me fall asleep.

As if the hurricane weren’t enough to keep things interesting, I ended things with The Marine and started dating IT Guy. That’s right, I got myself a big fat piece of schmoopie pie and damn it tastes good.

Thank you to all those who wished me their best during the hurricane. It must have worked because I fared very well through it all with minimal damage. Some emotional damage, yes–ever try to break up with someone during a hurricane? Oodles of fun for everyone!

I spent all of tonight writing so you can start catching up on the many events that happened during the last week, starting with hurricane here and aftermath here. More to follow–

xoxo
Vix

The hurricane has continued its path toward Texas. I don’t live near the coast, but I am still in the large oh shit zone. I have spent the entire morning boarding up my windows and pretending that I’m a lumberjack. VRRRM VRRRRRRRRRMMMMMM goes the power drill!! BZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZ goes the circular saw! I could write a children’s book for little girls who like loud noises and things that vibrate.

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After finally discovering that the new cute IT Guy was single (and taking a few extra days to work up the courage), I talked to him today. Actually, first contact was over email. How many times have I said that I come across much better in written form than face to face? You can delete the dumbass side of your personality in written form much more easily than pulling the foot out of your mouth.

It started with an email. IT Guy sent out a generic message to the entire company about preparing the server for backup before the hurricane hits. The clever little biscuit that I am, I thought to myself alas! the perfect opportunity to display my wit and charisma to IT Guy in a controlled environment! Must proceed with Operation: Charm Pants Off immediately!

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