As a nympho I receive many propositions from guys who promise to rock my world, pleez me up and down, make me feel like a woman, you name it they promise it. Sometimes the email simply says something like “hey baby im six feet tall, blue eyes, 180 lbs, 8″ of pure man, and can make you cum all night long.”
Aw, how sweet. Nothing woos the pants off a girl like an email filled with such dazzling displays of poetry. Good golly gosh, call me bedazzled. The guys who are nice enough to appeal to the over-educated side of me will also mention their IQ. Let’s not forget the real geniuses out there who fill their emails with six-syllable words that I’m pretty sure are not being used or even spelled correctly.
Wow. The pants are practically flying off my crotch in excitement.
I know that I’m in no position to be mocking people who hit on me, but come on. I’m speaking on behalf of disenchanted girls everywhere.
Crap come-ons like that didn’t work in college (and back then I was much less picky) and it definitely doesn’t work now. It takes more than “I have a big dick and I know how to use it” to arouse my interest. I’m going on six months without sex and hearing stupid shit like that just makes me that much more resolute in holding out.
It’s really not that difficult to attract a girl using something other than your god-given manliness. Now of course I can’t be a hypocrite when it is well documented how much I enjoy checking out a hot guy, but there’s a huge difference between staring at/fantasizing about a hot guy and the sort of guy I’ll actually fuck. It never ceases to amaze me how many guys cockblock themselves with their own dumbassery.
My favorite one-night stands and fuck buddies all had one attribute that caught and held my attention: a sense of humor. Wit. Someone who’s a smartass, who’s not full of himself or full of bullshit about how much he can fill me up with his man-love. Like many other girls, I go for smart, funny, cool, normal, and did I mention funny? FUNNY IS VERY IMPORTANT WHEN THERE IS A POTENTIAL QUEEF SITUATION. Funny may even keep me from kicking the guy out when we’re done. I may be a nympho but I have a heart for anyone who can amuse me with his mind as much as his hands.
Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not knocking cock. I am down with cock. Cock and I are BFF. I’m just saying that it takes a helluva lot more than cock to get me on my knees. You want to know the best way into a girl’s pants? Be funny, don’t be a dumbfuck.
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Now that I’ve completely railed on guys who want to rock out with their cock out, I feel that I should offer some compensation for the emotional damage I have inflicted. Allow me to offer you a sexy pic of me playing with myself.
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See? It’s easy to be funny. Although some may say I’m confusing “funny” with “evil witch of a smartass.” Ay, these are but mere words, my friends.
Stumble it!
One Wanker | 07-Mar-08 at 4:08 am | Permalink
Your tits are really going south these days — but I imagine the tape is good for eliminating your hairy nipples…
Taoist Biker | 07-Mar-08 at 9:08 am | Permalink
Fine. There was a joke I almost posted in a comment on your Hairy Man Ass blog some months ago that I thought, “Nah, that’s going too far.” But what the hell. Here it is.
“No hairy man ass? How about depilated man ass? Does depilated man ass work for you?”
Bill | 07-Mar-08 at 9:24 am | Permalink
Funny, cool, normal huh? Nah, I ain’t buying that.
A couple of years back I saw a comedian who did a bit comparing himself to Antonio Banderas (so, it’s been a while). He mentioned he read in all the women’s magazines about how having a sense of humor was supposed to be the number one thing women cared about with finding a man.
He brought up that he knew funny and wasn’t getting any play, no way. Women don’t want funny. They say they want funny, but most women given the choice between Antonio Banderas, a dark-eyed greek god type (like I said, it was a while ago) with a bunch of money, some fame and a cool accent or a guy who could tell a good knock-knock joke, the comedian was going home alone.
It’s funny because it’s true.
Speaking as a pretty smart and funny guy, having those kind of traits has never been that much of a selling point to women. For women, I think a sense of humor in a guy you want to sleep with is a nice option, like a warm dinner roll with your steak, but not entirely necessary.
That’s been my experience, anyway.
From the side of funny guys, it sort of sucks, but it teaches you to appreciate the importance of cable television and the necessary virtue of not beating yourself up over not quite being what anyone wants.
Anyway, best of luck with the whole getting laid thing.
Tokemak | 07-Mar-08 at 10:11 am | Permalink
My strategy would be to build a makeshift backstop, perhaps some sort of scaffolding, to catch your pants in the unlikely event that they were to fly off your crotch. Then I’d retrieve them, hand them back to you in a gentlemanly fashion, and say “excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice that your pants have flown off your crotch.”
My momma raised me right.
Heather | 07-Mar-08 at 10:38 am | Permalink
Well said, well said.
I personally think all guys these days have an IQ of 15 when it comes to knowledge on how to impress a woman…
Rae | 07-Mar-08 at 11:57 am | Permalink
No kidding Heather. I go into to chat rooms on occasion looking for some good conversation, and guys there seem to have no intelligence. It’s all pics and cams to them lol.
Keep your spirits up Vix, you’ll find a good guy.
And Bill, I would take a funny guy over Banderas any day.
adorabilly | 07-Mar-08 at 12:28 pm | Permalink
Ah Vix…
I’m sorry that you are just finding the jerks, the losers, and the rejects. It is really too bad.
Ya see, most guys are idiots. No, we really are. When we meet a woman who is cute/attractive we lose the ability to relax and be the cool inner dudes we are. We usually say something stupid, or are just completely oblivious to your women’s well known signs of “FUCK ME NOW! I LIKE YOU.” We don’t get it. We are afraid, and when we meet smart, funny, and FORWARD women (like that guy you mentioned a few weeks ago) we usually get very very scared… what if we aren’t good enough, what if I have bad breath, I don’t have a condom… oh shit… and then the moment passes and now we are in the douche category… Doh!
Here is a thought (and it may freak you out some). Think of your BEST guy friend who isn’t married or dating.
I’d bet you my pay check vs yours that he is very interested in you (unless he’s gay), and just doesn’t have the nerve to tell you that he wants to see you naked, writhing on his/your bed because he is afraid you will laugh at him.
Fozzie | 07-Mar-08 at 2:10 pm | Permalink
Hey baby. I’m 326 pounds of pure funky studlyness. 4″ of hot man love and I have no idea on how to please a woman.
Hmmmm that didnt work either did it?
RandomPinkness | 07-Mar-08 at 2:16 pm | Permalink
I have known men, that just by looking at them I wouldn’t think in a million years I’d sleep with, then they open their mouths and if they’re kind, witty and intelligent, I find myself falling for them. I would rather have a guy who might not give Brad Pitt a run for his money in the looks department but could show Einstein a thing or two, than some dumb pretty boy.
TXPhysicist314 | 07-Mar-08 at 4:46 pm | Permalink
Recent studies have apparently shown that the more attractive you are, the higher you rate attractiveness as a desired choice in a mate. This is especially true for women. For those of us who are “average,” though, other traits become more important. I think they found that the top two of these “other” traits were 1) sense of humor and 2) ambition. I guess that means I’m “average” because I definitely think those two are more important than smoking hotness!
Becca | 07-Mar-08 at 7:36 pm | Permalink
I just got my first creep-o-gram email the day before yesterday. Dude said he’d been “searching for pictures” and came across the one I had on my blog profile. Then he read my blogs, thought I was smart and then said “If you’re interested in talking more or making a new friend you can email me.” Then the next one he sends he wants to know if there’s “somewhere I’m not hiding my identity?” Uh, what kind of idiot douchebag tries to pick up somebody they don’t know by email? Especially by reading a blog? Am I missing something here? I swear, the next one that does that to me is getting mocked mercilessly.
Lorri | 08-Mar-08 at 9:04 am | Permalink
I am totally with you on this…if they can make me laugh so hard that my drink almost comes out of my nose…chances are they are hanging around until breakfast.
Justin | 08-Mar-08 at 10:47 am | Permalink
Is that a royal flush or are you just happy to see me?
I find it ironic RandomPinkness posts about a guy as smart as Einstein and then a Physicist posts after her. I think they should date.
Jonathan | 08-Mar-08 at 1:13 pm | Permalink
I can only imagine what the tone of the verbal exchanges within the Triad must be like these days.
It will happen in due time Vix - not all of us guys are just cock talk. There’s a good one out there…..you two just haven’t crossed paths yet.
rocketman | 08-Mar-08 at 9:37 pm | Permalink
ESPN radio host Colin Cowherd conducted a little informal poll before the Super Bowl, thinking that most women would much rather date Tom Brady than Eli Manning. To his surprise, most chicks seem to dig Manning, at least for LTRs anyway. They evidently find his ‘aw shucks’ demeanor appealing.
A Loyal Reader | 09-Mar-08 at 4:13 pm | Permalink
I definitely love that sexy pic of you playing with yourself. =P
That Robbie Guy | 10-Mar-08 at 9:00 pm | Permalink
Smart - at times.
Good looking - I can be.
Smartass with charm = me.
adorabilly | 12-Mar-08 at 12:15 am | Permalink
I’ve been thinking about your “hey baby” line and what I would probably say…
See the problem is a lack of confidence.
I mean if a guy walked up to you and said
“hey baby wanna ride my face until it looks like a glazed donut?” Would you want to take him up on it?
Or would you ever say to someone
“hey baby, I want to ride your face so much that when I’m finished it would look like a glazed donut?”
See the problem is that guys are much “smoother” on the net than in real life… they make promises they can’t possibly keep, and IRL they would be stammering and tripping over themselves…
you need to find and fuck the cock off of mr cocky… go ahead, I give you permission… (try the lines I just gave you…)
RandomPinkness | 12-Mar-08 at 4:40 am | Permalink
Justin - tee hee, well spotted.
TAG | 12-Mar-08 at 4:26 pm | Permalink
Keep holding out for the witty guy VIX. You deserve nothing less than the best. The cool thing is, it’s up to you what you settle for. So, never settle.
Having said that:
Did that win me any points in the Who is Sexy Game?
TAG
ShanaRose | 13-Mar-08 at 6:54 am | Permalink
It is SO a shame you’re all far away in Texas. Maybe, when I make it down that way sometime, I’ll start turning on the girl juice to get you hard for my mouth. What? I’m talking humor here woman!
An overeducated nympho with a stellar sense of humor AND the TX accent that melts my soft mid-western heart is enough to make me…be late to work, as I am right now…and smile smugly about it.
martian | 14-Mar-08 at 2:30 am | Permalink
You got this posting right. Smart asses talk less!