The Over-Educated Nympho

In a sad attempt to make my life sound more interesting than it really is, here is a multiple-choice quiz about my weekend. Which of the following are true?

1. Family came to town and stayed with me for a weekend of museums, restaurants, and good ol’ fashioned bonding. Minimal liquor or medication required beyond the usual. –rejoice–
2. Dog got into trash in bathroom, chewed on tampon applicator.
3. Have family-wide contest to see who does best impression of a bobblehead.
4. Brother found vibrator.
5. Brother stole vibrator.
6. Brother is huge raving pervert.
7. Mother announced that has decided to go vegan. We shun her.
8. Ran into Handsome Nerd at lunch with friends. We pretended to ignore each other, or maybe we actually were ignoring each other. Inconclusive. My boobs looked good though.
9. Ran into Ex-BF at the grocery store. “Accidentally” slammed into him with my grocery cart, then in a wholly insincere attempt at apology gave him an Altoid and a purple Flintstones vitamin found at the bottom of my purse. Boobs also looked good.
10. The MOM gave me another huge bottle of iron vitamins because “anemia runs in our family.” I now have five ginormous bottles for a grand total of 23,442 iron pills. Taking vitamins is unnecessary because blood is forever scared into behaving.
11. Got into slapping fight with brothers over The Princess Bride. Brothers are stupid, because it is obviously ONE OF THE ALL-TIME BEST BAD MOVIES EVER.
12. Brother walked in on parents making whoopie in my bed. I haven’t made whoopie in my own bed in years. (Revision to New Year’s Resolutions: make whoopie in own bed before 2009).
13. The MOM made chocolate chip cookies. Saddened and yet triumphant of fact that my chocolate chip cookies are far better than hers.
14. Dad taught us how to cuss in cowboy German. Shiza, fuckhole!
15. Kicked little brother, on principle.
16. Had terrible dream that was giving a Powerpoint presentation at family reunion, and OVER-EDUCATED NYMPHO homepage appeared on screen in front of entire family.
17. Cut thumb open while slicing bagel. Refused to go to emergency room because anything less than ten stitches is for pansies.
18. Play board games. Just try playing a board game when four out of five players have A.D.D. “Is it my turn?” “No, it’s mine”… “Is it my turn?” “You just went”… “Whose turn is it?” “Dunno.” “Um, his?” “What? You say something? “Did I lose my beer?”… “Is it my turn?” “Don’t know, count cards” “What number comes after six?” “Shithead comes after six, which is right before JACKASS”… “Did I just go?” “Wait, whose turn is it?” “Did ANYONE take their Ritalin today?” “Hey let’s go watch tv!” “Can’t, lost the TiVo remote” “It’s in your pocket, Mom.” “Is it my turn yet?” “What? ‘Posturepedic?’ What did you say? ‘Pasta’? Is that what we’re having for dinner?” “Whose turn is it?”
19. The MOM asked to borrow my copy of Bridget Jones’s Diary. WTF? Mother only reads books about money. Is mother trying to be hip? Mother should know better. Author hints at bum sex in book. Mother is not hip enough to read about bum sex. Hope mother is not hip enough to want to read about bum sex.
20. Realized am wallowing in lameness, so pathetic that have to make up things to put in this post just to get a giggle because current life is so not giggle-worthy, let alone snort- or chortle-worthy. Resolve to one of the following soon to make life more exciting, or at least less lame: go skydiving, pick up someone at a lesbian bar, wear see-thru blouse to work (Bridget got to bugger Hugh Grant when she did it, v.g.), dye dog pink.

Only a few of the answers above are correct. Imaginary lollipops will be awarded to the first reader who guesses which correctly. An imaginary half-licked lollipop will be given to those who correctly identify events that have happened to me, just not this weekend. Double-guns and a wink to be awarded to those who admit to having a life as dull as my own.

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Read answers here.