The Over-Educated Nympho

This is a real application that I received, and it is nothing short of pure awesomeness. His answers look like __this__, my remarks to his answers look like [this]. Sorry for inconsistent formatting, I slammed this out during my lunch break and SHIT I forgot to eat again.

If anyone else wants to be a contender for Top Smartass, send in your own application. Answer all of it or parts of it. I don’t care. Make me laugh.

PROPOSITION APPLICATION TO BE CONSIDERED FOR SEXUAL INTERACTION AND/OR DISCOURSE

Please answer the following questions. Don’t lie. I ask for references.

Before you begin: are you willing to accept the fact that I may actually be a balding fifty year-old man with a dickdo and elastic hairband fetish? Because I am, you know. How did I get those photos of me to look like a slender twentysomething girl? I am AWESOME at Photoshop. You should see my MySpace page. H-O-T-T.

In reply: It’s ok. I may actually be an eighty-year-old man who has been trapped in his apartment for the past thirty years by agoraphobia and/or extreme morbid obesity and therefore haven’t been laid in so long that “slender twentysomething girl, balding fiftysomething guy, whatever, just touch my willie.” [it’s not my “willie,” it is my SWORD OF MANHOOD. It even comes with pearls on it, see here?]

Name ___Taoist Biker____
Age (under 21 and over 35 are immediately eliminated) __33_____
Single? ___Uh, no, but keep reading, it gets funnier.______
Like “not dating anyone at all” single or “well we’re not married” single or “what’s your definition of ’separated’” single? ___Married and kid single.__And not “open marriage” single, or “3-way with wife” single, or anything that you might find in Penthouse Letters (well, except for the light bondage thing I wrote about last fall, mmm-mmm) just the plain old married.___(My wife loves your blog. She’s a fellow ADD chick.)
>>>Name ANYTHING I have written about other than blowjobs, sex, or threesomes: ___Personally, my favorite is about hiding the dirty dishes in the stove. [link here. And I really do that.] I’d burn up a pot a month if I did that. You think I ever check the oven before I preheat it? (Can I lob a softball joke-target or what?)_____
Did you have to cheat/look in the sidebar to answer that? If yes: it is not necessary for you to finish your application. ___No, I had to cheat/look at the sidebar to figure out what a “blowjob” was. Woo-wee it sounds nice!___
Location ___North of the South, south of the North, east of the West, west of the East.___
How far are you willing to fly/drive/swim/walk for booty? ___Let me ask my wife. [pause] She says I have to be home by 5, and bring a gallon of milk, would I?_____
Occupation (aspiring or actual?) ___Aspiring: Motorcycle racer. Actual: Academic desk-jockey.____
Man boobies? (specify chest and cup size) ___Uh, I haven’t had my cup size measured, but I think 46B would be my guess. But I don’t have the super-big fat guy nipples. Is that a plus or a minus, out of curiosity?___ [plus that you don’t have them, minus that you’re bigger than me anyway.]
Height? (preference shown for midgets and anyone else located at a convenient height) ____5’9”____
Accent? ____Old Virginian. I’ve had two different people ask me if I was British, which nobody else I know can figure out. Oh, and there was that one chick at that one party who said she wanted to follow me around with a tape recorder and listen to me talk allllll day. Did I hit that? NO. Lesson: I was a clueless nerd. Okay, so the past tense there is a bit of a fib.___
Can you do that trilling tongue thing? Because that is like WAY cool ___Yes. And my son laughs his fool head off when I do an exaggerated Spanish rolling “R” sound.____
Do you smoke or do anything else icky that makes your spooge taste gross? __Smoke, never. Drink bourbon like it’s water, yes.___
Are you funny? Like actually funny or douchebag funny? __What’s so funny about douchebags? [by avoiding the question you are incriminating yourself as a tentative member of the douchebag group.] ___
Are you at least hot enough to make up for the fact that you are not funny? __Sadly, probably not.__ [Bake me cookies and play with my willie and then I’m down with that]
Have you ever propositioned someone on MySpace? __Uh, hell no. It’s hard to find a woman above the age of 24 on there. And the word “jailbait” makes me all nervous.________
Did you just lie? __Yes. The word doesn’t make me nervous, the idea of being prosecuted for statutory rape makes me nervous.__
Why did you just lie? What the fuck, dude. Don’t lie. See? This is why I’m calling your mother. __Okay, okay! I just hate the thought of being the creepy old come-on dude. I’ve blogged about it. That’s why I don’t smile at students on campus, because I don’t want it to be spread around ABC sorority that EWWW that old bald dude just LOOKED AT ME!!!___
How many girls have you slept with? Don’t lie. ___Slept with? 3.___
Now please divide that number by 3. Is that closer to your real answer? It is? Dude, STOP LYING TO ME. ___1. No, if you’re asking how many girls I’ve had sex with, it’s equidistant to the real answer, which is 2 (and I married the second one). The other chick, we made out really heavily but kept our undies on.___
Size of wang ____6 inches._____
Oh my god stop FREAKING LYING TO ME. Size of wang. __uh, what, you want metric? 15.24 centimeters? __Geez.____ [does it come in Yen? Bah chi chi wah waah]
Any other numbers you want to boast about (IQ, salary, SAT/LSAT/MCAT score, girth, etc.) __I just said I have a 6” unit and I’ve had sex with as many people in my life as you’ve blogged about doing at the same time. Would any other bragging outweigh those things? Besides, a public school education will definitely discourage you from bragging about intellectual accomplishments. _
Do you use condoms or do you think you have special anti-fertility semen? __Are you kidding? My wife and I bought condoms for, uh, special purposes a few times. Both times we bought a full box and threw away all but about one per box. _____
What is record for number of times you’ve made a girl orgasm? __Uh, in an hour, a day, a lifetime? (It’s probably the same number.)__
Are you sure she wasn’t faking? __OF COURSE I’m sure! With all my experience, I’m an *expert* at knowing what women want and how they feel!___
Do you think those Geico caveman commercials are funny? __The only one I think is funny is when the guy in the therapist’s office says he’ll put his mother on speakerphone.__
Have you ever used the following line: That dress is really becoming on you… ___No, I wouldn’t use the word “becoming” in that context unless I want to be pictured as a guy with ribbons on his hat named Fauntleroy.
Do you find any of the following sexy: ______sticking tongue in my ear and digging for gold __HELLS YEAH! Princess Leia in the gold bikini ______Luke Skywalker in a gold bikini ______hairy nipples ______ripe cantaloupe
Do you have a big boy bed? Futons don’t count. ___Yes. And I wash my Star Wars sheets once a year whether they need it or not.___
___Sir Mix-A-Lot___ is my homeboy.
Will you let me handcuff you to the bed and force you to watch twenty-four straight hours of Dawson’s Creek before I have my dirty way with you? __You had me up until Dawson’s Creek.__
Do you have any gunshot wounds? Please explain. __No. Knife wounds but no gunshots.__ [EXPLANATION, PLEASE.]
Feelings about Harry Potter: __Never read it, but as many times as I’ve read Lord of the Rings (YES, BEFORE THE MOVIES) I feel like I can’t make fun of Harry.__
Favorite sex music (Savage Garden, Ricky Martin, and white Michael Jackson are all grounds for immediate disqualification): __Sade, Enigma, Armin Van Buuren, and the Hee-Haw Collection.___
Can you do any tricks with your penis? ___Sure, give me a bottle of hand lotion and watch.__
Are these tricks intentional? ___I told my mother that I was putting lotion on my hands and I must have tripped.___
Do you ever say any of the following during sexual encounters:

_Only when screaming in orgasm__vagina

_ditto_pee-pee

______making love

______making whoopie-pie

______it itches

______is this the clitoris?

Only when she says “Say my name, bitch!” during role-play time_Krull the Warrior King

______is it supposed to do that?

Only afterwards_YEE-HAW!!

Hours per week spent with following: video games__3-4__ computer looking for porn______ a bottle of scotch______ your mom______ the wife you still haven’t confessed to having_30-50_____
In your emails do you (check all that apply): ___X___capitalize the appropriate letters ___X__use normal punctuation __X__spell out words as they were meant to be spelled ___X__go back and proofread for glaringly obvious mistakes _(Only at the ends of paragraphs!)___use an emoticon at the end of every sentence
Identify Texas on a map of the United States (domestic applications only. Foreigners have the accent thing going for them so it all evens out). Ask a fourth-grader to include a handwritten note in crayon that confirms your selection is correct.

It’s the biggest state, right? Here it is, way up north here by Canada. [I loathe you.]

PLEASE IDENTIFY FOLLOWING CULTURAL REFERENCES:
(so I know that you are not some uber-geek who’s been living in a hole for the last ten years collecting action figures like that guy from 40 Year-Old Virgin)
“How am I supposed to kill this bunny, how am I supposed to kill this bunny?” __Winnie the Pooh finally tired of Rabbit and all his shit._
R.O.U.S. (bonus points for knowing acronym) _I don’t think they exist.__
“I think I have monogamy. I must have caught it from you people.” _What my best man said at my wedding.__
Yoanna: __(Whew, glad the pressure’s off.)__ (actually, if you know this you’re probably gay)
“Hey, you created me. I didn’t create some loser alter-ego to make myself feel better. Take some responsibility!” __The book was better._______
The Rabbit. _I know, I know! That’s what Neo was supposed to follow so he could go meet Trinity and that’s when all the badass shit started happening and shit started blowing up and WOOO oh shit I think I have to change my pants now. (My wife prefers the Layaspot.)_
“You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you” _Better yet, how about “I need you to feel this. I need this to make me whole.”
A famous stapler: _Swinglines are the best. (Come on now, admit it, “Milton’s Stapler” would be an awesome name for a punk band._
“Death you are my bitch lover!” _I couldn’t watch, ever since “Shanghai Noon” I can’t get over the penis nose._
Assistant (to the) Regional Manager _Only if I get promoted two more times.___
“Giggity giggity. All riiiight.” _My wife said that when I got out of the shower this morning. I don’t know why._
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals _Chuck Norris. Or Mr. T, or Vin Diesel, depending upon the site you visited._ allows to live.
“I choose Vodka. And Chaka Khan.” _Uh, I wouldn’t know, I always choose bourbon and death metal. And yet, damn you, now I have “I Feel For You” stuck in my head. AAAAH!!!

REQUIRED ESSAY (500 word minimum)
Please explain why sex with you would be better than watching TiVo.

How many of those words could be “very?” Oh, fine.

I can explain what a steamy encounter with me easily could be like, but to do so I need to tell a bit of a story. I work better in prose, anyway. Bear with me.

When I hear your voice, I can’t avoid a smile. I so enjoy hearing from my favorite Overeducated Nympho that I find it hard to concentrate on the rest of my day, to appear unconcerned and cool when, in reality, my thoughts are churning with an armada of lustful possibilities. I have to stop my mind from circling; resolving to let the moment dictate where we go, what we do. It always works out somehow.

By the time I’ve showered and dressed for dinner, I can barely concentrate to drive. Every bit of my attention is focused on you.

As you eagerly await my arrival, you find yourself unwillingly pacing back and forth, weakly trying to suppress the overpowering passion that you feel building inside you, knowing full well that such effort is futile. You can feel your heartbeat fluttering faster when you hear the sound of my footsteps approaching your door. Impatiently, you aggressively rip open the door, dragging me into your apartment. Your ardor fuels mine; reaching toward your wrist, I enfold it with my hand. As we turn together to close the door, I have you pinned against it as I caress you.

Beneath my shirt, you can feel my chest heaving, my breath already becoming raspy and uncontrolled. You place your hand on my chest, feeling the light play of my muscles as they tighten involuntarily at your touch.

All through the evening, that is the theme: muscles moving almost of their own accord, moving irresistibly to the rhythm of a passion that is felt and expressed without speech, unable to be expressed in any language. Without plans, without forethought, we both succumb to our most primal need, each slaking our desires in the other’s passion. Then in the depth of night we rest, recovering our strength from hours of exertion. As we do, nothing intrudes upon our quiet repose. We revel in silent communion; slowly but surely gathering strength for the next movement of the symphony.

***

There, that might explain it. Or the whole thing could be an acrostic that might explain more accurately. I dunno. It’s not quite 500 words, but I figure it’ll do.

REQUIRED SHORT ANSWER SECTION
Please state your formal proposition.

Hmm. I’ve done this so rarely. How about this:

(shifting, finding it difficult to make eye contact) Uh, hi, Vix! How’s it going? [5 minutes of small talk, leading to 10 minutes as I try to steel myself] So, hey, would you like to come over to my place for a quick dinner and a movie tonight? I know you’re probably busy, but I just thought, y’know… oh, no, that’s OK, I understand. Yeah, sure, see you later. (walking away, replaying Scotty’s “fucking idiot” scene from “Boogie Nights”) [points for using proper sentences. I personally prefer the answering machine scene from Swingers]

Say something, anything, that is slightly original and not exactly like every other proposition I’ve received over the last two years.

Oh hell, I can do that. How’s this: “My penis was severed in an industrial accident and replaced with a woodpecker’s bill. So it’s only about an inch long, but it vibrates at multiple speeds up to 20,000 Hz. So, you wanna get some coffee?”

REQUIRED REFERENCES (please provide valid phone numbers)
—one ex-girlfriend confirming you are not a stalker I think she still has her number as 1-800-CHRIS-10. Gee, wonder why I dumped her?

—your mother (to confirm dating status and jail records)
Are you kidding? My mom keeps my room at home with my 2nd-grade spelling trophy on the dresser, and you think she’ll even admit to herself that I’m dating? I think she has willed herself to believe that her grandchild was delivered by God.

—two most recent girls you’ve slept with, commenting on the the following: skill, endurance, attention, courtesy in bed, knows location of clitoris, clean bathroom, showers regularly, validity of orgasm count, evaluation of your status as a shitfuck, dumbass, douchebag, or fuckwit.

Well, the Christian would probably complain that I had sex with her and then didn’t marry her. (I waited FOUR. FUCKING. YEARS. And then figured out that she made Jerry Falwell seem sexually adventurous by comparison. God DAMN it sucks to be a “nice guy.”) Then there’s my wife, who would give you a completely different answer from day to day based on [original answer redacted**].

BONUS POINTS
Mentioning leprechauns, drag queens, or Angelina Jolie in answer; responding in iambic pentameter; never using numbers 4 or 0; quoting Dwight; you’re pretty.

It would take a whole army of leprechauns for me to get lucky. Drag queens are fun, especially when you grew up in the Bible Belt. Angelina? Give me Salma Hayek any day of the week (please!). I think I beat iambic pentameter with the acrostic (even before I read this section, so go me). I used the word “four” just up above, but goddamn it, I think I earned it. I quoted Maynard instead, how’s that? If not, if I quote “Lycidas” from memory, would that work? And on the last one, well, I have a great personality. [I do too. That’s why I’m an anonymous blogger.]

How many times did you lie on this application? ___I dunno, I lost count, I just hope you had fun. I was amused in writing it.___

Thank you for submitting your application.** You are wanker #642 in the selection process. A decision will be made two weeks after I don’t fucking think so.

** No way, lady. After almost 10 years of marriage, when it comes to wanking, I’m NUMBER ONE.

__________
*Sorry wifey, it was just too good to pass up a REDACTED joke. I still love you. Kiss and make up? –SMOOOCH–