{ 08 06 2007 }

Now Accepting Propositions: Submit Your Application

Over the course of this blog I have received many propositions for sex. Fine, whatever, it’s to be expected with a blog name such as “The Over-Educated Nympho.” Lately I have received more propositions* than usual in response to my frequent complaint that IT’S BEEN THREE AND A HALF MONTHS, kindly offering a willing specimen to suck off.

Golly gee whiz and shucks, that is just too sweet of you!* I am delighted to hear that you are “a givr” and “luv sexy nymp-hos lik u” and that you “have an IQ of 153 and an 8-inch cock, work in a pristegous law firm, and love dogs.” Wow. I mean that is truly awesome at its awesome-ist. So awesome I nearly forgot to hit delete and cackle.

Sadly it has come to the point that there are so many propositions that I simply can’t keep them straight. I hired a clever high school boy with pimples to set up a form and a database to make the selection process easier. I mean, when comparing such gems as “eats lunch with other Ivy Leaguers” and “luv ur pussy mama,” what is a girl to do? Well, I mean other than point and laugh.

These propositions come in a variety of forms, and they never cease to delight me with providing oodles of material ripe for ridicule. Sometimes I stop and think I’m being mean, but then I remember that I have made it extremely clear that I do not like or consider propositions from readers, as you can see here and here. Then I don’t feel so bad about making fun of the offending propositioners in instances such as here or here. Now don’t get me wrong, some readers send very kind, polite, and flattering emails filled with proper punctuation and plenty of polysyllabic words. These are not the ones I make fun of. Not that that means I actually consider any of the offers, but I’m much nicer when I turn them down.


PROPOSITION APPLICATION TO BE CONSIDERED FOR SEXUAL INTERACTION AND/OR DISCOURSE

Please answer the following questions. Don’t lie. I ask for references.

Before you begin: are you willing to accept the fact that I may actually be a balding fifty year-old man with a dickdo and elastic hairband fetish? Because I am, you know. How did I get those photos of me to look like a slender twentysomething girl? I am AWESOME at Photoshop. You should see my MySpace page. H-O-T-T.

Name ___________________________
Age (under 21 and over 35 are immediately eliminated) _________
Single? ___________________________
Like “not dating anyone at all” single or “well we’re not married” single or “what’s your definition of ’separated’” single? ___________________________
>>>Name ANYTHING I have written about other than blowjobs, sex, or threesomes: ___________________________
Did you have to cheat/look in the sidebar to answer that? If yes: it is not necessary for you to finish your application.
Location ___________________________
How far are you willing to fly/drive/swim/walk for booty? ___________________________
Occupation (aspiring or actual?) ___________________________
Man boobies? (specify chest and cup size) ___________________________
Height? (preference shown for midgets and anyone else located at a convenient height) ________
Accent? ___________________________
Can you do that trilling tongue thing? Because that is like WAY cool ___________________________
Do you smoke or do anything else icky that makes your spooge taste gross? ___________________________
Are you funny? Like actually funny or douchebag funny? ___________________________
Are you at least hot enough to make up for the fact that you are not funny? ___________________________
Have you ever propositioned someone on MySpace? ___________________________
Did you just lie? ___________________________
Why did you just lie? What the fuck, dude. Don’t lie. See? This is why I’m calling your mother. ___________________________
How many girls have you slept with? Don’t lie. ___________________________
Now please divide that number by 3. Is that closer to your real answer? It is? Dude, STOP LYING TO ME. ___________________________
Size of wang ___________________________
Oh my god stop FREAKING LYING TO ME. Size of wang. ___________________________
Any other numbers you want to boast about (IQ, salary, SAT/LSAT/MCAT score, girth, etc.) ___________________________
Do you use condoms or do you think you have special anti-fertility semen? ___________________________
What is record for number of times you’ve made a girl orgasm? ___________________________
Are you sure she wasn’t faking? ___________________________
Do you think those Geico caveman commercials are funny? ___________________________
Have you ever used the following line: That dress is really becoming on you… ___________________________
Do you find any of the following sexy: ______sticking tongue in my ear and digging for gold ______Princess Leia in the gold bikini ______Luke Skywalker in a gold bikini ______hairy nipples ______ripe cantaloupe
Do you have a big boy bed? Futons don’t count. ___________________________
_______________ is my homeboy.
Will you let me handcuff you to the bed and force you to watch twenty-four straight hours of Dawson’s Creek before I have my dirty way with you? ___________________________
Do you have any gunshot wounds? Please explain. ___________________________
Feelings about Harry Potter: ___________________________
Favorite sex music (Savage Garden, Ricky Martin, and white Michael Jackson are all grounds for immediate disqualification): ___________________________
Can you do any tricks with your penis? ___________________________
Are these tricks intentional? ___________________________
Do you ever say any of the following during sexual encounters: ______vagina ______pee-pee ______making love ______making whoopie-pie ______it itches ______is this the clitoris? ______Krull the Warrior King ______is it supposed to do that? ______YEE-HAW!!
Hours per week spent with following: video games______ computer looking for porn______ a bottle of scotch______ your mom______ the wife you still haven’t confessed to having______
In your emails do you (check all that apply): ______capitalize the appropriate letters ______use normal punctuation ______spell out words as they were meant to be spelled ______go back and proofread for glaringly obvious mistakes ______use an emoticon at the end of every sentence
Identify Texas on a map of the United States (domestic applications only. Foreigners have the accent thing going for them so it all evens out). Ask a fourth-grader to include a handwritten note in crayon that confirms your selection is correct.

PLEASE IDENTIFY FOLLOWING CULTURAL REFERENCES:
(so I know that you are not some uber-geek who’s been living in a hole for the last ten years collecting action figures like that guy from 40 Year-Old Virgin)
“How am I supposed to kill this bunny, how am I supposed to kill this bunny?” ___________________________
R.O.U.S. (bonus points for knowing acronym) ___________________________
“I think I have monogamy. I must have caught it from you people.” ___________________________
Yoanna: ___________________________ (actually, if you know this you’re probably gay)
“Hey, you created me. I didn’t create some loser alter-ego to make myself feel better. Take some responsibility!” ___________________________
The Rabbit. _________________________________________________________________________________
“You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you” ___________________________
A famous stapler: ___________________________
“Death you are my bitch lover!” ___________________________
Assistant (to the) Regional Manager ___________________________
“Giggity giggity. All riiiight.” ___________________________
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals ___________________________ allows to live.
“I choose Vodka. And Chaka Khan.” ___________________________

REQUIRED ESSAY (500 word minimum)
Please explain why sex with you would be better than watching TiVo.

REQUIRED SHORT ANSWER SECTION
Please state your formal proposition.

Say something, anything, that is slightly original and not exactly like every other proposition I’ve received over the last two years.

REQUIRED REFERENCES (please provide valid phone numbers)
—one ex-girlfriend confirming you are not a stalker
—your mother (to confirm dating status and jail records)
—two most recent girls you’ve slept with, commenting on the the following: skill, endurance, attention, courtesy in bed, knows location of clitoris, clean bathroom, showers regularly, validity of orgasm count, evaluation of your status as a shitfuck, dumbass, douchebag, or fuckwit.

BONUS POINTS
Mentioning leprechauns, drag queens, or Angelina Jolie in answer; responding in iambic pentameter; never using numbers 4 or 0; quoting Dwight; you’re pretty.

How many times did you lie on this application? ______

Thank you for submitting your application.* You are wanker #642 in the selection process. A decision will be made two weeks after I don’t fucking think so.

_________________
© 2007 the Over-Educated Nympho. Don’t copy this, asshole. I’m a big ol’ bastard, I can sit on you and suffocate your face with my massive male mammaries.

*DISCLAIMER: Okay, you do understand that THIS IS COMPLETELY SARCASTIC. Please do not actually fill this out and email me. If you do submit anything in response to this, you need to understand that I will consider it fair game for ridicule in a future post (with identifying information removed of course). Unless if the answers you submit are appropriately sarcastic, then send it on in and I’ll have a giggle.
**Am I being bitchy? I’m being bitchy. You wake up to these emails for months and you tell me if you’re all unicorns and rainbows. Frankly these things are making me that much more squeamish about guys.
***In conclusion: thanks but no thanks.

Posted by Over Educated Nympho on Monday, August 6th, 2007, at 2:38 am, and filed under sex, humor, I'm a bitch that's what makes me special, I just threw up in my mouth a little.

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