The Over-Educated Nympho

Read this first. I mean it.

I can’t believe this. There is just no fucking way. HOW DID HE KNOW?? I swear, Handsome Nerd must have felt that little BOOOM! of his number being deleted out of my phone, because within the hour HE CALLED. I nearly dropped the phone when I heard “Hey Vix, this is Handsome Nerd…” on my voicemail when I got back from walking the dogs. Has my over-active imagination suddenly stretched to include audio?

What the fuck. This sounds like a boring and predictable plot twist in the typical chick flick, but for once in real life it actually happened. Just as the girl was ready to give up on him, the bastard called back. WITHIN THE HOUR.

After my run I dialed the very number that had just been deleted two hours earlier. Briefly I considered making him sweat it out for a few days, but I’m impatient as hell and wanted to hear what he had to say.

I called and it went to voicemail. Of fucking course it went to voicemail.

________________
Go here to read what happened next.

DELETE! There goes Handsome Nerd’s phone number.

I really wish that cell phones made a gong sound every time you deleted someone. Sure my phone showed me a little trash can opening and closing, but that just doesn’t cut it. I would prefer some sort of small explosion. What a fantastic representation of complete dismissal! BOOOM! And little pieces of electronic carcass fall like snow in the light of 20/20 hindsight.

Continue Reading »

Having dogs is a great way to meet guys. Of course these guys are often married, but you can pretend in your head that he’s checking you out (sometimes they actually do) and is trying to muster the balls to ask for your number (sometimes they actually do, ick).

Then every once in a while, life throws you a boner.

Continue Reading »

Today my friend Barbie asked me if Handsome Nerd had called me back yet.

Nope. I haven’t gotten so much as a hang-up since I called him Thursday night.

“Does Ken have his number? I’m not entirely sure it was Handsome Nerd, because it was one of those generic voicemail messages…”

“Um,” said Barbie, “I think he got your message.” She paused. “I have news.”

Continue Reading »

The migration between web hosts went smoothly and quickly. Did you know that could happen? I’m blown away. Let’s compare my experiences:

Previous migration: down for four days, lost eight days of posts/comments, lost thousands of hits, wrote six extremely pissed emails, temporarily lost #3 standing on Google for “how to give a blowjob” (that’s harsh man–don’t fuck with the goods), sent thoughts of deflated wangs and itchy testicles toward Virginia where they reside, and eye still twitches every time I see the numbers 4 or 0. The Host Group, you can suck my big hairy left one and choke on it.

Current migration: only a couple hours of weirdness, nothing lost or broken.

I’m confused.

And delighted. I will stick with delighted. To S. J. and J., thank you for everything you’ve done. You are nothing short of pure awesomeness. I can sleep peacefully knowing that my site is in excellent hands.

Ahem, that’s what she said.

For real this time. The migration is happening very soon, probably today. Sorry for all the false starts, the guys taking care of this are friends with full-time jobs who are doing this as a favor to yours truly and for that THEY ARE SUPREMELY AWESOME. I’m sending all of you cyber-kisses.

–kisses wireless router–

So if the site is screwy for the next two days, please be patient.

In other news: Handsome Nerd didn’t call (but who calls a girl on a Friday night? And it’s not like he knows I’m a total lame-ass nerd who spends most Friday nights on the sofa with a stack of books. Not that I’m waiting ), I am now fully medicated thanks to seeing Dr. Fix-Me-Upper yesterday (post to be written), the hissing has faded into the normal tirade of smartass remarks (I AM SO ALL OVER YOU, DEPRESSION. BRING IT. I WILL FIGHT YOU LIKE THE BIG BULLY YOU ARE.)(post to be written), and my brother is staying with me for the weekend so I won’t be writing but my site will be weird anyway so go drink amongst yourselves and be merry.

Since I saw Handsome Nerd at the wedding nearly two weeks ago, I haven’t been able to get him off my mind. Hanging out last night with Barbie and gabbing about the wedding didn’t exactly help, especially once we started talking about the digital photos the photographer had just sent her.

“There’s this one of Handsome Nerd that was so amazing that Ken and I stopped when we saw it. He looks really good. And then it’s back to goofy photos of his friends… want to see it?”

“Yes! No! Yes. Shit.”

Continue Reading »

I can feel it creeping in.

It starts in my head and my hands. The tightening of my jaw as I bite back harsh words, the eyes consciously closing in tears before anyone notices them. My hands clench into fists so hard that the fingernails leave marks in my skin. With every moment of intensity I feel my torso flare with heat.

The rage starts at one end of my body as it takes over my upper body with an unnatural but all too familar stiffness. Then exhaustion starts in the legs and slowly takes over the anger. It leaves me begging for the moment that I can fall into bed for hours of nothingness. All I want to do is sleep it away.

Continue Reading »

Is there anything more fantastic than starting a Wednesday morning with a speculum in your crotch before the coffee has kicked in yet?

Except maybe some of the following fantastic things: sitting in a freezing exam room with my bare ass hanging out of the prepubescent-sized gown I’m wearing, having twenty minutes alone left to stare at the assorted long pokey devices that WILL be poking around in my Happy Place, or repeating the following mantra in my head: “I DO NOT HAVE A CROTCH ROT MY MOTHER WILL NOT DISOWN ME I DO NOT HAVE CROTCH ROT.”

And yet this was still sooooo much better than being at work. At least while sitting in the wet spot I was able to read Rilke.

Continue Reading »

I’m going to the gynecologist this morning.

I am pretending that I am so not completely nervous. Sure it’s been a very slow year as far as friendly visitors who’ve cum calling (always with a wrapped twinkie, of course), but there’s always that freak chance that there’s something wrong. I tried to go to the gyno four months ago but they told me my insurance only covered one exam a year. What the fuck? Dude, what if I’d had crotch rot? Would I have to wait until the year’s billing cycle was over to deal with a horrendous Itch situation?

Oh, um, have I mentioned that cracking jokes is how I deal with uncomfortable situations? CROTCH ROT!! tee hee hee ah fuck.

A couple weeks ago the creator of Hardwood Dildos contacted me about reviewing one of his custom hand-carved wood dildos on my blog. What kind of girl would say no? I only have twelve sex toys, keep ‘em cumming please! Ooooh and this one is pretty. Mmmm and STURDY. And doesn’t have pieces that fall off at bad times.

I received my new dildo and, um, conducted thorough research today. I had intended to try it out and then write the review tonight but, well… you know how these things go. I like to make sure all products that cross my hands undergo extensive research so I can give the most informative review possible. For the sake of my readers, of course. That’s just the kind of selfless person I am.

Here’s the quickie review: I would give two enthusiastic thumbs up if they weren’t otherwise occupied. So I guess we’ll have to settle for ten curled toes instead.

Detailed review cumming soon. But I may, uh, have to do some more research first. Just sayin’.

Here is a little something that one of my favorite readers wrote me the other day in response to this post. The poem made me squeal with pure delight, which of course meant I had to share it on the blog like all other things that make me squeal. I wish I could take credit for writing such a clever poem, but unfortunately “Ode To Creepy Old Men” is the extent of my poetic ability.

A cubicle monkey named Vix
Finds herself in a terrible fix.
She fumed and she pouted,
But lest she be outed
She labors from nine until six.

Continue Reading »