The Over-Educated Nympho

Being in a college town surrounded by thousands of hot nerdy guys has left me with a drooling problem since I got on the airplane to Boston. Since then all I can think about is getting off.

It’s really bad. Every time we’re out in public I have no clue what any of my relatives are saying to me because my eyes are constantly scanning the crowd and sizing up every sexy-nerdy guy I see. And then mentally undressing him, mentally grinding my body against his, mentally pushing his fingers between my legs, mentally sucking him off, and mentally fucking him so hard he forgets his own name.

For some bizarre reason listening to my many relatives talk in science-speak just can’t seem to hold my attention when there are a dozen fuckable guys within moaning distance.

Today we attended my cousin’s doctoral ceremony. It was awesome. It was like every super hot super smart guy was herded into one huge room solely for the purpose of me sexually objectifying them. I appreciated the university’s concern for keeping me entertained (and wet) during an otherwise dull event.

Okay yes I mean DUH there were scads of uber-geeky D&D-playing hardcore nerds who clearly don’t know how to operate a stick of deodorant let alone a washing machine, but my eyes passed over them so quickly they barely registered, lest my hard nipples lose their inspiration.

Once the ceremony started, I became bored rather quickly. Before the ceremony I had been reading a New Yorker but once the procession began my aunt insisted I put it away. What to do, what to do…

The I’d fuck him game. Yes, brilliance.

Every guy who passes your line of sight, you think to yourself (or preferably say, if you’re with a girl friend who admits to being just as disgusting as you are, and you’re not surrounded by relatives) “yeah I’d fuck him” or “nope, wouldn’t fuck him.” Or there are the conditionals, like “I’d fuck him if he got his stupid fugly hair cut” or “I’d fuck him if I got to fuck his friends too–all for one and one for all! The three Fuckmeteers!”

Of course this game is oodles more fun with a catty/sassy girl friend, but I played it by myself in my head because I didn’t think my aunt would appreciate me saying such things as “hoooooo baby, I’d fuck that PhD guy back to stupid is as stupid does. Giggity.”

So I sat in silence, squirming frequently in my chair and wishing I had worn tighter pants so I could get myself some clit ring action.

A little sampling of what went through my head as I watched guy after guy (and chick after chick, I’m equal-opportunity here) walk across the stage:

Fuck yes I’d fuck him five ways from Sunday… fuck no… fuck no, unibrow… fuck NO, COLUMBO LOOK-ALIKE WITH A COMB-OVER… fuck yes oh FUCK ME YES… fuck no, is that waxy build-up? EW… fuck no he looks like Uncle David… oh my fuck yes THAT GUY LOOKS LIKE MATTHEW MCCONAUGHOTTIE NOW GET OVER HERE AND LIE DOWN AND TELL ME I LOOK PRETTY AND WE’LL SHOW EVERYONE WHY IT IS SO AWESOME TO BE A TEXAN… fuck no… fuck no… fuck maybe if he shaved that bushy beard off because there’s only room for one bush and you want it to be yours, buddy?.. oooh that curly-haired girl has THE MOST AWESOME BOOBIES I’VE EVER SEEN… oh fuck no no no no he’s wearing a Star Trek pin! [shut UP I used to watch it, OKAY?! IT WAS QUALITY TELEVISION, JACKASS]… fuck yes Mr. Tall Dark And Handsome OH CAN I GET A FUCK YES.. AND THEN A FUCK YES YES YES YES YESSS!.. fuck no he looks like he belongs on Jesus candle… fuck maybe if he got me some stimulants that actually work, stupid stupid Ritalin I HATE YOU YOU BIG MEAN TEASE [90 mg in one day and nothing but a twitch]… fuck no, he must weigh thirty pounds less than me, fuck maybe if she wore sluttier shoes to go with those fantastic calves… fuck who are you? I’m still thinking about those calves… fuck yes, AND FUCK YES TO YOUR TWIN BROTHER TOO, BOOOYAH!… fuck no he looks stoned… fuck me what is it about that guy that makes me want a donut?… fuck no, wearing Tevas (sooooo 1996)… fuck no, he looks like the sort of weirdo who stares at you in the elevator and then waits for you outside the womens restroom but never ever speaks to you AND THAT SHIT IS WEIRD, YO… fuck yes sweetie, you look like know how to make a nympho break a sweat… fuck no he looks like a pussy who cries a lot, fuck maybe if you kept those heels on and let your boyfriend watch… fuck yes Brad Pitt look-alike, want to act out that scene from Fight Club? Take caution: THE PLATINUM PUSSY HAS MADE GROWN MEN WHIMPER.

Aw fuck. Now after writing this and remembering the procession of Dr. Hotties I am SO NOT READY TO GO TO BED. And I’m staying at my cousin’s tiny apartment, which means there is no room or privacy to, um, calm myself. DAMNIT. Tomorrow we’re going through all this again! BUT WITH FIVE TIMES MORE PEOPLE TO SEXUALLY OBJECTIFY.

Aw fuck I have to wear my tight pants tomorrow. And then disappear with a guy from the crowd who listens to instructions well and isn’t wearing anything with the Star Trek insignia.