The Over-Educated Nympho

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Okay, I’m ‘fessing up. This post is the reason I got, um, side-tracked last night. After reviewing the notes from my old journal to prepare for this, I only managed to write one paragraph before the overcoming whirlwind of sexual memories knocked me on my ass and forced a vibrator into each hand. OKAY?! Want to know the secret to masturbating for two and a half hours, without any reading/viewing material? Real-life memories like this.

It was me and two guys. Two hot guys. Like hottie hot McHottie hot. And to top it off, they were from the country. I tell you, it’s like it was right out of Penthouse. Except way better because it happened to me, and before then I thought things like that only happened in $9.99 porn.

This is the sexcapade that was mentioned in my interview in Maxim. The crazy sexcapade which I somehow forgot to mention to my ex-boyfriend, according to him. Hmm. Quandary.

Note: this is my ONLY story that starts “So I was at this bar..” I’m not into the bar scene (because normally I bomb out and run out of dignity before I run out of cash), which makes this night all that more triumphant. And I have to warn you, I didn’t finish this post. As you regular readers know, when I’ve got something good it takes me a couple posts to get it all out. If you don’t want to be teased, it may be best if you hold off on reading this.

So I was at a neighborhood bar with two friends for happy hour on a random Tuesday night. I had told Cool Friend and Shy Friend I was looking to get laid, and I had dressed appropriately for it: tight booty jeans, 4″ tall stiletto boots, and a slinky black top that was full in the front and fully exposed in the back with only two tiny strings keeping it tied on. Cool Friend had a boyfriend, so she offered to play wing(wo)man. Shy Friend was, well, shy, and seemed flustered with the whole idea of picking up a guy and using him for sex.

But sex wasn’t my only reason to be there. Cool Friend and Shy Friend were both about to move to the other side of the country, so we were spending as much time together as possible before they left. We shared an order of onion rings, drank our three dollar margaritas, and shot the shit. Cool Friend started egging me on to hit on some guys already.

Fine. I blatantly looked around the bar for some guys worth looking at. And I was being really obvious. Like half-propping myself up on the bar with one arm so I could stand and lean over for a better look. Let’s not forget the 180-degree turn-around-and-check-out. Yeah, I’ve got that one down so that it’s funny and endearing rather than utterly lame. At least that’s what I like to think.

It was during one of these blatant stares that I noticed a guy at the pool table blatantly staring back. This guy was hot. He was working a plain cotton tshirt in that sexy and rare way that makes for instant wet between my legs. And he was staring in my direction with such interest that I was sure he was looking at some super hot blonde standing behind me or something. I turned aroundj to look for her. I shit you not, I turned around because I honestly expected him to be staring at someone else. I was not used to getting stares like that from anyone other than the creepy maintenance guy.

There was no one behind me other than tables of guys chugging two dollar beers. Now–I am so lame, I have to warn you–I actually pointed my finger to my chest and mouthed “Me?” –putting head in hands– I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe he didn’t change his mind after such a dumbfuck move. But I did, and he smiled and nodded. I hesitated. He motioned for me to come over. I got up and then looked at my friends, who had stopped talking to watch me be a first class dumbass. I pointed to them. He motioned for all of us to come over.

SCORE.

I wasted no time walking around the bar to the pool table, where I saw another hot guy come out of the shadows.

DOUBLE SCORE.

I introduced myself to them and asked if they minded us joining them for a game of pool. They grinned and said sure thing as we made introductions all around.

The first guy was Army Cowboy. He was mid-twenties, strawberry blonde hair, warm smile, tall, in the army, and looked like he had quite the ripped body underneath all those clothes. Thin tight tshirt, jeans, brown leather boots (the kind of work boots country boys wear, not cowboy boots). And to top it off, he was as sweet as could be. Very easy to talk to, if I gave him shit he gave it right back–my kind of guy.

As soon as he spoke and a sexy-slow Texas accent came out, I asked him exactly where he was from. Army Cowboy said the name of a small town about an hour and a half away. I teased him for wandering off a long way from home, and he said that he and his best friend Dark Cowboy had just come to the city for a night of fun before he shipped out that weekend.

Mmmmm hmmmmm. I know what that means.

Dark Cowboy was also sweet, fun, easy to talk to. And hot. Oh so very hot. He wasn’t quite as beautiful as Army Cowboy, but shit, that’s like comparing Catherine Heigl to Elle McPhereson. Like his best friend, he was tall, thick body, handsome–and a devilish gleam in the eye. OH how I love it when the eyes are asking to get into trouble. And of course by “trouble” I mean “me.”

I suggest playing pool girls against guys, but Army Cowboy vetoed that and said it wouldn’t be fair. He said we should be on one team and Dark Cowboy and my two friends would be on the other team. We played a couple rounds, having great fun teasing each other and flirting shamelessly. Army Cowboy was clearly into me, and it looked like Dark Cowboy was into Cool Friend. She had a boyfriend however and was politely side-stepping all flirtations. I whispered this in his ear as encouragement that he switch preference to Shy Friend. But Shy Friend was, duh, shy. The beer helped her to loosen up and flirt some, but Dark Cowboy wasn’t quite into her like Cool Friend. Being the Southern Gentleman, he kept buying rounds for everyone nonetheless.

By the end of the last round, Army Cowboy’s hand had made it onto the top of my hip a couple times and I kept playfully touching his arm (stroking, whatever), which is classic guy-girl TOUCH ME MORE behavior. Neither of us wanted to make the next move though, so for the rest of the night this was the extent of our physical flirtations.

We moved on from bar to bar, enjoying a pitcher of beer at each. Cool Friend went home to the safety of her boyfriend, leaving me and Army Cowboy paired up and Shy Friend and Dark Cowboy awkwardly attempting to talk. The booze helped, but it can only do so much. If the chemistry isn’t there, it’s not going to magically appear from a tabletop sticky with beer. None of us drank so much that we got drunk, thanks to the slow waitstaff.

Finally a bartender announced last call. It was now or never, and I wanted my hot country boy RIGHT NOW.

The two guys were talking to each other when I put my hand on Army Cowboy’s knee. He didn’t move or give me anything to go on. Shit. I moved the hand up. A tiny grin. Excellent. Let the teasing begin.

Shy Friend got up for the restroom. My hand was inside his thigh. I started making slow circles with my finger. The grin is still there. I start lightly running my fingertips up and down the upper part of his thigh. Dark Cowboy got up to pay the tab. Immediately I felt Army Cowboy’s hand pulling mine onto the bulge in his pants. HELLS YEAH NOW THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

Without even thinking I found myself pushing back the table and straddling his lap. My lips were on his, his tongue was in my mouth, my hands were all over his shoulders and arms, his hands were on my ass–

“A-HEM. LAST CALL. THAT MEANS LEAVE.”

Army Cowboy pulled back in embarrassment at having the bartender catch us. I looked around for our friends. I saw neither, and the bartender walked away. Still straddling him, I leaned in to whisper do you want to come back to my place?

Fuck yeah, he exhaled, and I started biting lightly on his neck.

Then our friends came back. As we walked out of the bar Shy Friend pulled me aside and said she thought it was cool if I wanted to go home with my guy, but she had never done that before and didn’t want to go home with hers. I said that was fine with me, I’d get them to drop me off at my place.

I got in the car with the two country boys and wondered what the fuck to do with the friend. They had driven into town in one car. Shit shit shit. Maybe he can fall asleep on the couch… or watch a movie? In the living room? Aw shit I had no idea. Okay yes I did, but that would only happen in a shot in hell.

I wasn’t the only one thinking that. From the back seat Dark Cowboy stuck his head between us and said “so, uh, what are we going to do next?”

We all looked each other.

“Well, I’m going to have wild hard sex with your best friend… although I don’t really know what to do with you.. Um, I have movies..?”

Silence. Shit.

Then I laughed and added, “unless if you’re really open-minded…”

Pause. He cocked his head to the side. “I’m okay with that.”

No fucking way…

They looked at each other. I watched them visually talking it out.

After a few seconds, Army Cowboy looked at his friend and said, “I guess that’s okay.”

“Are you sure? Because I’m serious.”

I placed my left hand inside Dark Cowboy’s thigh to help him think.

“Yeah…”

“…Yeah”

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!

We all looked at each other in a completely different WTF?! way, and then busted out laughing.

“Shit, we’ve been friends since kindergarten, but I never expected this!” said Army Cowboy.

“Are we really going through with this?” asked Dark Cowboy. Mmm, such a sexy southern drawl.

I looked at both of them and said fuck yeah.

_____________________

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