Since the break-up, readers and friends have regularly asked me why I don’t get laid more. Now that you know I don’t look like a troll, that scratches off possible reason Vix doesn’t get laid #1.
Some of the other reasons that may have crossed your mind (and mine as well, I must admit):
2) I’m a bitch (only when provoked)
3) I’m needy (once upon a time maybe, but certainly not now. I am Vix, HEAR ME ROAR, MOTHERFUCKERS)
4) I’m a bitch and I don’t know it (doubtful. I’m quite lovely in person (as long as I’m not put in a situation where someone is wearing gauchos paired with a pair of knee-high boots, in which case I have no choice but to unleash the ridicule))
5) I smell (only after rigorous exercise, otherwise I smell like cupcakes and rainbows)
6) I don’t put myself out there (this one is somewhat true but the reasons for that are not funny and therefore not worthy of mention in this post)
7) I’m a hermaphrodite (nope. There’s none of that kind of junk in my trunk. I repeat: THERE IS NO TUCK-AWAY SITUATION HERE.)
This question of why don’t I get laid more is always in the back of my mind because as someone who is smart, sexy, funny, and happy to engage in casual sex (for the sake of blog material, of course), you would think I would have more sex. I mean, shit, I need material, right? I’m a sex columnist (can I play the card that I can pull off being a sexy sex writer even when I’m not having sex?).
I agree. I expected to be having more sex too. Which is why over the last week since I posted the nearly-naked photo that I’ve received a large number of comments and emails asking this question with greater conviction than ever before, I’ve been thinking about that a lot myself.
It’s not like there’s anything noticeably wrong with me. Right? I mean, there’s the normal stuff, but nothing that makes people question my right to breathe.
At the beginning of my singledom this previous summer, two of my closest friends were single as well. The three of us would go out together. The two of them always had a guy they were dating, and usually another waiting on the sidelines for his chance to jump in. Over and over I observed my two friends in awe: how could they both always be dating someone? Sure, they’re cool as hell (and let’s not forget hotter than hell), so it’s no surprise that they didn’t stay available longer than a week, but I’M COOL AS HELL TOO, GODDAMNIT. WHERE’S MY LINE OF GUYS WAITING TO DATE ME?
There were stirrings of self-doubt the other day. One of my coworkers got divorced recently. As long as I’ve worked there, he’s been the bastard bitter beyond his years, and the divorce certainly didn’t help things. Then a few days ago I found out he has a girlfriend. I smiled and congratulated him, but I was thinking to myself, this bitter jackass has a girlfriend, and I can’t even find someone to fuck. I’M NOT NEARLY AS BITTER AS HIM AND HE’S MANAGING TO GET LAID. ASSHOLE.
Then yesterday while I was walking my dogs I had a bad moment of doubt, so bad that I was near tears. Maybe there is something wrong with me, and I don’t know it. Is there some sort of huge sign on my forehead that says FUCKED UP. STAY CLEAR. and is visible to everyone but me? What’s so irreparably wrong with me that I’m not lovable or even fuckable?
But I got over that. In less than ten minutes. For all the self-doubt and issues that are laid out on this blog, I know I’m a helluva catch–someone who is lovable, huggable, and certainly fuckable. Oh HELLS YEAH. End of pity party.
Which leaves us back at the original question. Why don’t I get laid more? Or at least date more?
I haven’t written this post sooner because of what I’m about to say. It seemed so arrogant that I always dismissed it and thought surely there’s a better reason, or at the very least a better way to say what’s going through my head. But no. Not this time.
I don’t waste my time on anyone who’s not worthy–and I’m not just talking about my sweet ass.
It’s not like I think I’m the best thing that ever existed, because such a statement would deserve a royal bitch-slapping. But most days I do think I’m pretty fucking cool. And dare I say funnier than the average jackass?
Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not dissing guys. I love guys. I’m only dissing those guys who aren’t worth the time it takes to find matching shoes. There are some awesome guys out there. Somewhere. For dating, for sex, for -ever. It’s just a bit of a bitch trying to pluck them out of the crowd. All the douchebaggery can make for a thick fog through which to seek out a good one.
But I have no doubt the awesome guys are out there, and if that means I have to wait six more months before having some fantastic casual sex, then so be it. I’ve had my share of sex (casual and serious) that left me wishing I had watched a rerun of Sex and the City instead.
Getting laid for the sake of getting laid isn’t a good enough reason, at least not for me. Not anymore. It doesn’t matter how much I want, need, to run my hands over a hot guy’s hard body–if he’s a dumbfuck, then I’d be dumb to fuck him. If it’s a crap shoot that he’ll be good in bed, then I’m not going to bother. Sure it’s funny to acquire some really terrible sex stories, but not at the price of going through the tragic sexcapades that get them.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’m done with casual sex. Oh HELL NO. I’m just saying that I’m done with bad casual sex. I want nothing but mulitple orgasms and steamy memories that provide months of masturbation material. I see nothing wrong with choosing to wait for sex worth having. Sure I may complain and my pussy may be whimpering for something, anything, just a little bit of cock to feast on–but I’m not pulling down my panties for any guy who can’t prove himself worthy of having my naked legs wrapped around him.
This is a bigger issue with dating than with simple sex. There are a lot of people out there who are dating someone who isn’t good enough for them. I hate witnessing that, and yet I see it every which way I look. Unfortunately, I’ve been there.
With my high school boyfriend, well, he was an asshole. As if that weren’t bad enough, the scope of his dreams was very small. So small that he forbade me from indulging in the idea of many of my own dreams. Fuck that shit.
The college boyfriend was a good guy. The ultimate Nice Guy: he never said a cross word to me, and he never held me back from anything I wanted to do even though what he wanted out of life was so much simpler than what I wanted.
While dating each of these boyfriends, my father made a single plea-filled comment that made it clear he thought I could do better. I had known that all along, but didn’t want to admit it to myself. In high school I was so insecure that I couldn’t stand up to my boyfriend and tell him I wasn’t going to take any more of his shit. In college I was so relieved to have a nice sweet considerate boyfriend that I didn’t feel I had the right to complain about his lack of drive to improve himself.
Then I met BF. He was a good guy, smart, established in his career, of the right caliber background, driven. A lot of his dreams matched mine, including my desire to live abroad and have a powerful career. At last, I’d met a guy who was good enough for me, about whom my father would not give me that pleading look that said sweetie… really? When I first mentioned to my parents that I thought BF might be the one I could marry, they were delighted. I was relieved.
Eventually I realized that that wasn’t enough of a reason to marry someone, and I left.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned in this last year is that just because someone/thing is good, it doesn’t mean it’s good enough for me.
Stumble it!
Griff | 18-Mar-07 at 1:42 am | Permalink
Huh, the lurker is the first to post, strange. Anyway, I think it’s good your looking for good men. I seen so many relationships out their where one side or the other is getting fucked (metaphorically speaking) and I wonder why they put themselves through it. Than I realize that they want stability and consistency, not love or happiness. So more power to you, find the good guy.
Vixen | 18-Mar-07 at 2:04 am | Permalink
Wow…ur up as well!! Don’t you like have soccer tomorrow morning or something?
I did the Sex Eyes, as well as the Stop & Go blowjob methods. It was a total hit!!!
Thanks:D
Vixen | 18-Mar-07 at 2:10 am | Permalink
I just read your post all the way through and it’s so heartfelt and refreshing. It’s a tragedy how many women put up with a man that isn’t the right guy, or not good enough just because they want to have someone or be in a relationship. At least your Sixth Sense is dead on and you cut out the bullshit early. It would be nicer if there were a plethora of great guys out there…but I guess after wading through tons of rubble, we actually appreciate the right guy more when we meet him. And of course, because he’s the right guy he appreciates us as well.
Alicia | 18-Mar-07 at 3:51 am | Permalink
Awesome job on figure that out! I’m totally a work in progress, but the last couple years, but mostly the last few months, I’ve gradually discovered how important my happiness is, how much what I love, what I have passion for, what I WANT is the most important thing. It’s not about “oh, that/he is beneath me” but more “I deserve better”.
I’m working on it…
Anyhow, just had to say “yeah, what she said”. So, kick ass…and hopefully get some soon.
TTBOO | 18-Mar-07 at 11:43 am | Permalink
How come I want to copy all of your ideas for posts, well, not how to give a BJ. Don’t settle. Most men/women who are always dating and always have someone in the wings…they are doing it out of convenience. I’ve always wondered if something was wrong with me because I date differently. Well, I won’t go out with someone more than once or twice unless I feel they are amazing enough to be with me. This will mean I get laid less too.
Bob | 18-Mar-07 at 11:45 am | Permalink
I knew it was because you are a nympho with standards.
Over Educated Nympho | 18-Mar-07 at 1:42 pm | Permalink
Griff–welcome out of the shadows! Happy you decided to stop lurking. I completely agree that many prefer to accept stability over satisfaction. Hell, that’s why I stayed in a relationship as long as I did.
Vixen–two of my three sports finished last week, and I barely got to play because of the damn injury. I’m glad your fiancee enjoyed your new blowjob routine!!! Ha, I wish I had a tshirt that said BULLSHIT DETECTOR IS ON.
Alicia–not “deserving better”… but “deserving the very fucking best.” No more settling here on ANY account.
TTBOO–well babe I don’t mind you using my ideas for posts as long as you mention and link to me in your post somewhere.
I finally figured out that with my two girlfriends who were always dating someone–they never dated any of these guys for more than a month. Then there’s my style which sounds more like yours, which is that I rarely make it to a second date with anyone. In fact, I’ve had six second dates ever… half led to long-term boyfriends.
Bob–damn straight.
Tifoso | 18-Mar-07 at 2:18 pm | Permalink
Maybe you would do better if you thought about the reality of the situation. You act as if you are still in high school when you dated some guy more to impress your friends than because he was right for you. Somewhere between after age 22, the supply of “perfect” men begins to disappear. What you seem to want is a perfect physical specimen (even though you describe yourself as “pudgy”). By your age, the men who have perfect, hard bodies are becoming fewer and fewer unless they work hard labor. With your education, they would make a bad match. Men are marrying off. Your pool of candidates dwindles. If pudgy is OK for you, why are you so picky about men? Start looking beyond the shallow elements you seem so focussed upon. That short, balding guy carrying 20 extra pounds may just be best clit licker who ever put his head between your legs. Start looking at what a man is rather than what he looks like.
Over Educated Nympho | 18-Mar-07 at 4:01 pm | Permalink
Tifoso. Chill.
I didn’t date him to “impress” anyone.
Even if that were the case, it’s not like “showing him off” was the only thing he had going for him. He was nice, sweet, funny, smart. I was considering marrying him even though he was far from the “perfect physical specimen” that you seem to think is my number one requirement for a guy.
There is no such thing as a so-called “perfect man,” and I haven’t had any hopes of such a thing since I was a child. I fancy a perfect physical specimen when I can manage it (I am human), but I’m realistic enough not to cross off someone as a contender just because he doesn’t have a perfect body. I certainly don’t have a perfect body, although if you had read enough of my posts, like the one from several days ago with a photo, you’d know I’m no fatass either. Don’t fucking tell me that someone who works “hard labor” would not make a good match for me because of my education level. I’ll take someone with a good head on his shoulders over some arrogant ass who can recite Proust any day.
I know the pool is dwindling off as people get married, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to go chase down a guy just to have him when I’m not ready for it. I’ll take my chances at the dwindling pool in five or ten years when/if I’m ready. If that only leaves the baldies and the fatties, fine. I don’t care as long as he’s a good guy who’s so funny he makes me squirt water out my nose from laughing so hard.
For the record, my college boyfriend was about eighty pounds overweight–and the nicest guy I’ve ever met and yes, one of the all-time best clit-lickers I’ve ever had the honor of experiencing.
“Start looking at what a man is rather than what he looks like”? OH FUCK YOU. Half this blog IS about understanding what a man is.
Are you a first time reader? Or are you coming out of the lurker’s shadows to throw daggers at me when I’m not even the person in the picture you’re so intent on defiling? Don’t pull that shit again.
Phalanx | 18-Mar-07 at 6:43 pm | Permalink
I’ll be the first to say that I got lucky when I met my wife. I know you’ll agree, Vix.
I had my first girlfriend when I was a senior in high school. I’ve had a total of four serious girlfriends and had casual/friend sex with only a few more girls.
I couldn’t agree more that you shouldn’t settle just for what’s “okay”. I’d much rather be single than stuck in a bad or souring relationship. I saw the damage from my mom and stepdad staying together longer than they should have. I refused to repeat their mistakes.
Somehow, I met the perfect woman for me my last year of college. We have totally different career goals, but a nearly identical worldview and approach to living our lives. We met at just the right time and everything fell into place. We even survived two-and-a-half years of cross-country long distance because we knew we had something worth fighting for.
When I moved back to Texas, my roommate in DC said that it still amazed him that I beat his initial prediction of lasting six weeks before giving up and finding a new girl. In my mind, there was never a question that - whether she moved to DC or I went back to Texas - we would be making a home together in the end. I knew I’d beat his prediction from minute one.
Through it all, I’ve known that I wasn’t settling with her. I knew then (and still know now) that I was sharing a love like no other I’d ever known. Our marriage isn’t about satisfying the social mores of others or meeting the expectations of our families. It’s about the life and love we’ve chosen to share with each other.
Go for what you know you deserve, Vix. It’s definitely worth the wait.
TTBOO | 18-Mar-07 at 6:51 pm | Permalink
BS. Hard labor people are no more likely to have hard bodies. In fact it’s the driven “business” types who often spend more time at the gym, because to generalize, they care about money and being ripped. Yes, that is a blank generalization. But if you’ve read more posts, you’d realize that Vix would date a guy who looked like a small furry animal wearing a bowtie and checkered vest if he was driven, funny as shit, nice, and packed some serious man meat. Well, maybe that’s too far, but to come down on someone and call them too picky because they aren’t always dating someone or go many months between relationships…that’s crazy. People who jump from person to person and who are always dating someone are the ones with issues because they rarely focus on themselves and develop other parts of their lives. If you live a busy full life, you don’t have time to date some knobjob who is 28 and still thinks it’s funny to name a coed rec sports team “The Shockers.”
Maxine | 18-Mar-07 at 6:53 pm | Permalink
I’ve known a few Tifoso types - bitter men, who after a lifetime of probable rejection by women, nurse a bitter resentment against them.
They’re usually the ones who take refuge in trotting out the standard tropes about how women, who were so shallow and judgemental in their youth, are now finding themselves considered less attractive and less ‘worthy’ in the marketplace - it gives them a certain sadistic, schadenfreudic (?) joy.
They may sound chauvinistic & misanthropic but are really just very cynical and very unhappy.
Tifoso, dude, let me do you a favour by telling you that love doesn’t work in the darwinian terms you envision. I can guarantee you that your lack of success has more to do with your attitude than your perceived lack of alpha male characteristics such as good looks, career success etc.
There are plenty of good men & women in the world, just as there are plenty of misguided ones. The skill is in being able to discern the difference and in having the qualities and the wisdom to maintain a great relationship with a great person.
Tifoso, you need the courage to look honestly at yourself, your behaviour and your choices as opposed to blaming the opposite sex. It is NOT male vs female.
OEN, I’ve been where you are and I reckon you’ll be okay. There’s a lot of men in the world, but you only really need 1 (or maybe 2). They’ll find their way to you eventually.
Tifoso | 18-Mar-07 at 8:21 pm | Permalink
Vix - I must have misunderstood your situation. I was trying to help. Obviously, I failed. Sorry. The fault was mine. I wish you well in your search for a solution to your problem.
Over Educated Nympho | 18-Mar-07 at 11:27 pm | Permalink
Phalanx–I hope I can be as happy as you and your beloved one day. It sounds really nice.
TTBOO–An excellent point. I’ve been with many of those over-achieving types who get the bodies just to be coveted. I had forgotten about them because it was a while ago… my sex memories are disappearing out of self-preservation.
PS I like that you said “Vix would date a guy who looked like a small furry animal…” ONLY if he could rock the bowtie. If he did a cheeky naked booty shake for me (wearing only the bowtie, tube socks, and a smile), that would totally win me over.
Maxine–ooh la la, I learned a new word today (and yes you spelled it correctly). And thanks for the encouragement–I’m sure I’ll find my one guy when I’m finally ready for him.
Tifoso–I appreciate your apology. Just take care in the future to dispense advice without the judgmental tone.
Sky | 19-Mar-07 at 12:44 am | Permalink
I understand completely with getting stuck in relationships for the security.
I also agree, and would encourage you to continue your quest.
And lastly, I’m reminded just how much I despise the phrase, ‘it’s all good.” I realize that some people don’t know good from bad because they’ve never had good, but damn, once you have, it’s easy to see bad–sex especially.
I agree…if you can do it, hold out.
[I’ve tried…and wasn’t so successful. But I’m a man and we’re just weak.]
Mike | 19-Mar-07 at 5:07 pm | Permalink
I just commented on another post and figured I’d mention here how much I really enjoy reading your blog.
I especially enjoyed this post because I recnetly found myself in similiar place mentally. Living in Austin I figured finding a date (whose not a crack addict, and yes this was a brief problem) or simply getting laid wouldn’t be much of an issue. Oh how I long for the days when I had other single friends to go out with. I turned 24 and suddenly everyone was engaged or married. I sometimes wonder if I’m too picky, though I’ve been reassured that holding out for a woman or a lay who wouldn’t settle for doing a line if there wasn’t anymore rum at the party isn’t setting my standards too high.
Anyway, I’m sure you’ll be fine. Someone once told me that too often we treat dating like a race when it’s okay to wait a little while for a good person who does meet our expectations or makes us happy to come along. Of course, I still really want to get laid in the meantime.
I hope your dryspell ends soon and you’re back to having some good old fashioned debauchered fun. With chains. haha.
figleaf | 19-Mar-07 at 7:53 pm | Permalink
Call me a doof but as you were cataloging your list (not a gnome, not needy, etc.) I didn’t see “awfully busy and maybe stressed out with work.” I bring this up because a) those were times I had the hardest time meeting quality partners and b) incidentally those were also the times when I often would up in relationships that didn’t work. Oh, and c) the fault wasn’t always the other person’s. Oh yeah, and finally, d) because often when we’re single and backed up at work the pool of seemingly-available partners are also stressed out and overworked.
I’m not saying you’re in that situation. Just observing that it seemed to work that way for me.
Cool post, you know.
figleaf
Stockton | 20-Mar-07 at 11:22 am | Permalink
Vix,
Based on what I read here I have to say that even if you were a picky, smelly non hygenic troll that you would still have a pick of men (and women) lined up around the corner to sleep with you if thats what you wanted.
What is good enough? Can you answer that? Do you know what you want? Need? Can you define it?
happy2Bsingle | 20-Mar-07 at 4:33 pm | Permalink
Vix,
This is 1st time I am responding to your posts.
Even though, I have been reading your posts religiously since I first stumbled across your post: “What I miss about being SINGLE.”
I can relate to every single thing you say.
And in reference to this article especially: I have been thinking to myself lately as to why am I not even dating for such a long time. I am a beautiful, sexy, smart woman; but somehow I dont seem to be dating or even having casual sex.
Just like you, I can’t see myself even doing casual sex with a guy who is not worth it. I seem to have become such a bitch (according to the world).
I feel uncontrollably horny lots of times, but I can’t do casual sex like how I used to do it before..
When I read your posts, it makes me feel that that there is nothing wrong with me (cause sometimes I doubt myself when I look around my GFs or guy friends hooking up with so much ease).