The Over-Educated Nympho

Early this afternoon I went out to a coffeeshop to spend a couple hours with some books and my journal. The coffeeshop I went to was a small one near my apartment. As soon as I walked in, I saw the place was packed, with one lone empty table. I made a dash for it before someone came out of the line and claimed it. As soon as I plunked down my huge laptop bag, the two faces sitting at the next table looked over at me.

“Vix. Hi.”

Oh fuck.

“Hot Coworker… hi…” and hi to the beautiful girl sitting with you… fuck fuck fuckfuckfuckfuuuuuuuuuck.

I looked down at my very non-beautiful self—loose pants, running shoes, college sweatshirt. No makeup (I refuse to wear the crap on weekends except on the rare occasion I go out somewhere fancy), frizzy hair pulled back in a ponytail. No indication of my many womanly attributes. I’ve got nothing on this beautiful girlfriend-looking girl sitting across from Hot Coworker with her looooong straight black hair, exotic features, and cute jeans-and-tshirt combo showing off a nice rack. FUUUUUUUUUUCK.

“Didn’t know you came here,” he said as I sat down with an audible huff.

I certainly won’t anymore.

“Yup. Live half a mile away.” But you know that already, don’t you, from all those pool parties of mine last summer.

“Uh huh. Soo…” he eyed my laptop bag, probably assessing how long I would be camping out next to them at the coffeeshop.

Argh! Why is he here?! At MY COFFEESHOP?! This is MY TURF. BACK AWAY FROM MY TURF BEFORE I POLITELY KICK YOU IN THE CROTCH TO GET YOU TO LEAVE.

“So…” I looked at him, then looked at the silent girl, and back at Hot Coworker. Introduce me, moron. Be polite, you fucking moron.

He looked back at me blankly. Fine. I turned to the beautiful girl and with the most genuine-looking smile I could manage, I stuck out my hand. “Hi. I’m Vix. I work with Hot Coworker. It’s nice to meet you.”

She shook my hand and smiled back. “Hi! I’m [exotic foreign name].” I studied her face for any sort of indication that Hot Coworker had ever mentioned “that crazy horny psycho-bitch from the office who kept inviting me to pool parties in a futile attempt to get in my pants.” I saw nothing but a big white smile.

She nodded toward my laptop and asked if I was working on office stuff. Um, not exactly. Working, yes, but not on office stuff. I felt Hot Coworker’s eyes darting back and forth between us, not knowing what to think or to expect—and not daring to speak.

As politely as possible I angled my body away from their table and pulled out my journal to show that Okay we’re DONE HERE so go back to being all happy and coupley and shit. A few minutes later I put on earphones and eventually fell into my own happy world. Hot Coworker and Beautiful Girl went back to talking and sharing the paper.

About half an hour later I got up for the restroom. When I came back Hot Coworker was outside on his cell phone. Beautiful Girl smiled brightly at me. “So how do you and Hot Coworker work in the same department?”

“No… we just talk occasionally in the break room is all. He’s pretty quiet and keeps to his desk most of the time.”

“Ah. Yeah, he can be quiet….” We stared at each other. Her eyes moved over the books spread out on my table. “Hey, I’m reading that book! The Tender Bar? Normally I don’t like reading, but this book is so good!”

“I know! I just finished reading it and I’m reading it again! I love memoirs! Especially when they’re by a normal person and not a president or someone so amazing that I could never relate to.”

“I know! My dad reads those. I’m like, okay, you were the president of the United States, now you’re not, yada yada yada.”

My heart stopped. She yada yada’ed the president. I love this girl.

From then on we were talking a hundred miles a minute. Eventually Hot Coworker came back inside the coffeeshop and found us giggling like school girls. I would have given my left kidney to know what went through his mind when he saw us.

“Well, looks like you two are having fun…” He noticed that she had her hand resting lightly on the inside of my arm. Aww, are we too close for comfort, babycakes?

Beautiful Girlfriend and I looked at each other and giggled. We talked for a few more minutes (with Hot Coworker noticeably fidgeting but trying to hide it) until he stood up and said they should be going.

“Bye Vix, it was so great to meet you! Get my email address from Hot Coworker on Monday, okay?”

“Sure thing, sweetie! Have a great weekend! Bye Hot Coworker, you take care of my girl, all right?”

Without looking at me, he took her hand and began pulling her away. She waved at me with her free hand. I gave a cute girly wave back, and smiled smugly to myself.

Befriending the girlfriend is the best revenge of all. How’s that for mindfucking, asshole?