My Positive Attitude is My Best Quality As An Employee.
Yesterday was my first day working in the new department. For my exit review Former Big Boss and Former Cool Boss took me to lunch. We had all filled evaluations of my performance, so we put them side by side and went through each ability or quality that would probably contribute in a couple months to whether I’m worthy of a raise (you can bet your fucking bacon burger I deserve a raise. And some of your french fries, too).
Need to work on scheduling tasks by priority… good at multi-tasking… good at client relations (my eyes went big at that one, because I have yet to find a nice way to tell the client I ALREADY TOLD YOU WE CAN’T DO THAT, YOU IDIOT), tends to show up late for work… (please don’t ask about night time activities please don’t ask about night time activities you would SO FIRE ME if you knew about my night time activities), self-motivated and needs little guidance… takes initiative… rarely but can be very thick-headed… need to start learning managerial tasks (how am I supposed to learn anything managerial when I’m the department pee-on?), fairly reliable… solid knowledge base… all that sort of crap you see on an evaluation form.
As I was man-handling my ginormous hamburger, Former Big Boss turned to me in a very serious yet endearing way and told me, “by far the best part of working with you is that you have such a positive attitude.”
Say fucking WHAT?! ME?? A POSITIVE ATTITUDE? HAVE YOU MET ME?! I’M THE EVIL SPAWN OF SNARK AND SPITE. I HATE MY JOB AND I DON’T TRY TO HIDE IT BECAUSE I WANT EVERYONE TO SUFFER IN THE BLUE GLOW OF THE COMPUTER SCREEN WITH ME.
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