The Over-Educated Nympho

I’m giggly. I’m smiley. I can’t think straight. For the first time in ten years I feel the urge to play my Boyz II Men CD.

We talked about how nice it is getting to know each other. We flirted. We were cute and coy. We each shyly admitted that we really really like each other and can see this going somewhere special… we talked about how we feel we can be in it for the long haul. I truly believe this could be something amazing.

–big dopey smile–

Oh wait–you didn’t think I was talking about a guy, did you? Oh no, that’s just silly. No no no. As far as I’m concerned guys are still dumbfucks.

I’m talking about the sex toy company I’ve been courting for quite some time. Come on, I’m a nympho who writes about sex. The only successful relationship I can pull off is with a sex toy company who hires me to do all the naughty things I do so well. Which is exactly what I want. It’s perfect.

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For those of you who have fantastically pitiful stories about how you almost (BUT DIDN’T, YOU DUMBFUCK) got laid on Valentine’s Day, then you should enter this contest at HowNotToGetLaid.com, “a compendium of coitus rejectus.” You can also enter stories about how you rejected someone on Valentine’s Day, but that’s mean and Valentine’s Day doesn’t need any help being mean since it is essentially “National Single’s Awareness Day, You Fucking Loser.”

If you have a great story on how you once almost (but didn’t) get laid, they are always accepting submissions. Although according to the author of the site, most of the girls’ stories tend to be about how they rejected someone, and most of the guy’s stories are about being rejected.

When he told me this I scoffed and said no way, I’m sure someone has rejected me for sex in a really funny manner that would be perfect for anonymous publication. –blanking– Or not. Yeah all of my funny stories are about me pointing and laughing (and not in a mean way. You would laugh too. In fact, you probably already have). The stories I have of being rejected are all boring. “Hey, you wanna fuck?” “No.” That’s the story.

But then again maybe I just blocked out all the details of the many times I’ve been rejected for sex in a futile attempt to hold on the tiny sliver of an ego that is still intact. Or I could just try to be cool and say no one has ever rejected me, but we all know I would be lying, and then I would have to change my blog name and address and start a new identity as a conservative-yet-feisty third grade substitute teacher who lusts after the assistant (to the) principal and masturbates between teaching Texas history (THERE IS NO OTHER HISTORY. THE ALAMO IS YOUR HISTORY) and multiplication tables.

People have found me through some very bizarre Google searches, but not once that I have seen has anyone found me through my favorite of gross pervy jokes, the midget.

I love midgets. They are just too cool for words. Everything’s more fun when there’s a midget involved.

So imagine my delight when I was checking my latest blog stats and saw that someone from my very own hometown found my blog by doing a search for “midget doing goat.” I was number 1 of about 151,000 sites, and it tickles me pink that it sends you to my post on How To Get Your Coworkers Fired, which is probably the most popular non-sex-related post on this entire site. Except for the bit about the dirty sanchez, so I guess it is sex-related after all.

I am honored to be found by searching for “midget doing goat,” even if it’s only me who think midgets doing goats is fucking hysterical. I mean, come on, does he have to have a step-stool? A ladder? How does he get the goat to stay still? What does the goat have to do to be attractive to the midget? What does the midget have to do to be attractive to the goat? Do they cuddle afterwards or is the goat like, sorry babe, gotta leave I have an early bleating?

So many possibilities. Where’s that little dude from Jackass when you need him to explain the intricacies of fucking a goat?