The Over-Educated Nympho

Christmas has Santa Claus, elves, the Grinch, Chevy Chase, Frosty the snowman, and scads of other cute little characters. Hanukkah has Adam Sandler, who counts for at least five personalities. Thanksgiving has the fine Thanksgiving Fairy who performs miracles. Where the fuck is a Festivus character? Festivus needs someone.

I give you Frank the Festivus Troll, as drawn for me by one of my favorite readers:

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Hello my beloved readers,

I wanted to wish all of you a very fine Festivus. Today, December 23rd, is the actual day of Festivus, so gather around the pole, engage in feats of strength, and oh yes I’m sure this will be happening in family-filled households all over the world no matter what your Seinfeld affiliation: the airing of grievances.

Here is a recap of recent posts written for single people out there who feel a tittily bit resentful of Christmas and all the happiness we are supposed to be having with someone special (apparently your dog/cat doesn’t count, to which I say with more than a little spittle: phooie).

Festivus For the Rest of Us, damnit single people take back the holidays
All I want for Festivus is Booze based on “All I want for Christmas is You”
Yada Yada Yada based on “Dreidel Dreidel Dreidel”
O’ Lonely Night based on “O’ Holy Night”

And depending on how bored I get at my parents’ house, there may be more bastardized songs coming in the future:

“Oh Festivus Pole,” (”Oh Christmas Tree”), “Santa Got Pinned Down By Frank the Troll” (”Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”), “Here Comes Festivus” (”Here Comes Santa Claus”), “Joy to Singletons” (”Joy to the World”), and “All I Want for Festivus is Lasik Surgery” (”All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth”). If you have an idea for a song I haven’t mentioned, submit it and I’ll do my best

To those who think Christmas is getting shafted on this blog: I have a damn good reason.

Happy Festivus, my beloveds.

xoxo
Vix