The Over-Educated Nympho

I’ve got a fucking beast of a post in the works. Stick around. Meanwhile frolic amongst yourselves.
xoxo

Vix

I’ve never been a girly-girl by any stretch of the imagination. Sure, I wore pouffy pink dresses, but I also played soccer while wearing said pouffy pink dress. But I’ve never considered myself one of the guys either.

So-the-fuck-what if I like the occasional glass of whiskey, curse like a sailor, sit like a guy (only occasionally when wearing pants), and leave in the middle of the night after a hook-up even if they’re asking me to stay?

Just because I’m guy-ish it doesn’t make me “one of the guys.” Fuck no. If I were really one of the guys, they would see me as, well, one of the guys. Like, if we got it on that would be totally gay. Or weird, like having sex with your sister. You hear her talk about her thong underwear and it’s weird, not hot. THAT means you’re one of the guys.

But me? Nuh uh. I’ve slept with several of my guy friends.

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This post assumes that you have made it past putting “icky” things in your mouth, getting into the proper sexy mindset, and making your way down the treasure trail. It’s crucial that you feel comfortable giving a blowjob, otherwise even the best technique won’t make you every guy’s fantasy woman.

Ok, well a good blow job is a good blow job but what I’m aiming for is being the girl he fantasizes about years later when he’s thinking about the best head he’s ever had. Just having that attitude of “I want to want to suck you off like no one has ever done before” will get you far.

Don’t believe me? I bet you half the guys who just read those last two sentences got a little hard. Attitude is everything.

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Finally, I’m working on the final post of the blowjob series. Although given my past history it may end up being 1) ridiculously long 2) broken up into more posts 3) leading to me masturbating for forty-five minutes and not finishing the post.

Addendum 1:15 am:

Yep. There’s going to be at least one more post. I only made it to the balls.

A favorite reader of mine requested a FAQs page full of OEN snark at its finest. So here we go with a little preview.

One of the most frequent accusations I receive in comments or emails is that I must be ugly/fat/a virgin/a thirteen year-old boy. I assure you, this is only mostly true. Here’s a little teaser from the FAQs page addressing this issue:

Are you really as hot as you say you are?

One of the answers below is correct:

1. No. I’m a troll. Unless if you’re into trolls. My mouth is located at a convenient height. And I have a really kinky hobbit outfit I wear on special occasions. –wink wink– Here’s lookin’ at you, big guy!
2. Minus the hairy belly button, I’m smokin’.
3. Dude. I make fat phat. I’m so fatty phat PHAT that I need two t’s to show how HOTT I am.
4. One word, mah bitches: K-Fed, if he had these sweet little titties, yo. I’se one fine ass mothaFUCKA.
5. Heck yeah! I was voted “cutest boy in Mrs. Anderson’s homeroom” last year by all the girls in my seventh grade class! Any day now my pubes are going to grow in and then I’ll be the cutest boy in all of Jefferson Junior High! BOO YAH.
6. Well. I have a really really great personality. (That has absolutely nothing to do with why there’s no photos posted here on my blog. Ever.)
7. Yes.

See the rest of the FAQs here.

Have any FAQs you’d like me to answer with nothing less than the highest level of snarkasm? Leave questions in the comments.

First the Thanksgiving Fairy was very kind, and now it looks like Santa is going to be generous as well. He’s bringing me sex toys from my adults-only wish list. Merry Christmas to ME.

Here are the items I’m putting on my naughty wish list for the sex toy company I’m in cahoots with:

1. The jack rabbit from Sex and the City. I’ve been told it will hold up much better than my current one.
2. Remote controlled vibrator/underwear.
3. A sex toy for men that is not a pump, penis ring, or for her. Men deserve to be selfish too.
4. An anal dildo (currently I just use a thin g-spot vibrator but this one has a better shape to it).
5. A dual-headed vibrator for men and women to use at the same time.

I don’t know how many/which toys I’ll be receiving, but I’m sure I’ll be buying more items from them later on anyway, so not to worry my beloveds! OEN will do her best to write reviews in time for your own naughty Santa to buy your presents. A-hem through me, of course.

This site gets the nympho stamp of approval. Depending on how amazing the toys are, I may be giving them multiple stamps of approval.  Mmmm. Merry Christmas indeedie.

We had been at Grandmother’s for less than ten minutes when she said she had a surprise for me. She pulled out two beautiful quilts that she had made and told me to pick one out to take home. I oohed and ahhed while deciding which one I wanted. Silly me, I didn’t think to ask why she was offering me one when I knew there was a long list of family members waiting for one of her prized quilts.

Suddenly Grandmother’s eyes got big. “Oh! Wait! There’s another one I want to show you!”

With great excitement she motioned for me to follow her as she shuffled down the hall. She led me into the guest bedroom where she pulled out a half-finished quilt.

Grandmother spread it out over the bed. She looked at me with pride while I ran my hand over the curved pieces of fabric stitched together in interlocking circles.

“It’s a wedding ring quilt. For whoever gets married next!”

Aw fuck.

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My company’s holiday party is coming up in a couple weeks. I’ve been told the party is a huge deal. Oh goodie (does that at least mean we each get our own miniature bottle of Peppermint Schnapps at the table?).

The invitations encouraged us to bring our special someones.

Oh fucking hell.

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I am leaving for my family’s Thanksgiving festitivies shortly. I will be gone for a few days, and I don’t know whether I’ll be able to sneak away to my laptop to post during that time. Hopefully there won’t be anything post-worthy (see above link). And if there is, hopefully I’ll be too busy giggling at every thing my father and brothers say as we pass around the fifth of Jack Daniels I’m packing.

So while I’m gone, here’s a little something I wrote out especially for all those people who are a little afraid of facing their families (or complex carbohydrates or whatever your demon is) and could use a little Thanksgiving miracle to make it all go smoothly:

Easter has the Easter Bunny, Christmas has Santa Claus (and Charlie Brown and Chevy Chase), Halloween has evil cats (and The Simpsons), I think Thanksgiving needs a magical spirit behind it as well. Thus I create for you…

—waving arms around wildly but with an elegant flourish—

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Really. I know I’ve said this before but I misspoke. They’ve been working out the Beta version of their software and recently told me they’ll be ready to launch soon. Yippee! Just in time for the holiday/shopping season!

The company has asked me to submit my “naughty wish list” for toys to try out and review here. #1 of course will be the jack rabbit, excuse me, THE jack rabbit, from Sex and the City. Which I’ve been told is much more durable than my previous one that has required multiple repairs.

Aside from that, any requests for toys you want to read a review on? Guys out there, I remember you wondering about sex toys for men, is there still an interest there?

So…. start thinking what sex toys you want to buy for your loved ones at Christmas! Keep in mind I get a nice commission on everything bought from my link in, so if you want to make it a VERY VERY MERRY Christmas for your favorite nympho, drive right past your favorite sex shop and come home to your computer instead!

Pretty please with cherry-flavored lube on top? (they sell that too…)

Soon there is going to be a porn convention here in Texas.

A writer at the Houston Press who likes my stuff has recruited me to co-author a piece with him about the porn convention. I’M GOING TO A PORN CONVENTION. AND THEN I GET TO WRITE ABOUT IT. FOR A REAL NEWSPAPER.

This is like… wow. All poetics have gone out the window. All I’m left with is “wow.”

WOW. And I mean a big ol’ Texas-sized WOW.

I don’t get to do stuff like this at my day job. Wow.

Before we begin, make sure you’ve read How to Give a Blowjob: It’s All in Your Head. And Eyes. Because you can have a great technique, but if your love of sucking cock doesn’t come through the eyes (or if you’re faking the love to begin with), then well that kinda kills it.Then again many guys have said that (assuming there’s no teeth) there is no bad blowjob because his dick in a girl’s mouth is going to be good no matter what. Fine, that may be so. But my competitive side doesn’t want to be “just another blowjob.” I want to be the best fucking blowjob he’s ever had. I want to be remembered.

Here’s how I do that:

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