The Over-Educated Nympho

If you somehow managed to miss in this clear and well-written post that I met a couple guys on Saturday night, here’s the sober translation. Which has to be brief because I’m on my lunch hour.

The Saturday of Halloween my girl posse and I got all dressed up in our highly inappropriate outfits and went to a party that Blondie’s friend was throwing. Blondie’s friend had many many many guy friends there. Many of whom were looking a little too guido for my taste, but there were still some yummy ones to choose from.

Although I was introduced to everyone, I spent most of the party chatting up a cute short guy. Who later gave me his phone number (I did not ask, but I didn’t mind either) and then a few minutes later said he wasn’t dating because he had a fiance. Er, ex-fiance. It was never clear. He kept changing his stance on the situation. Needless to say, he crossed himself off the list.

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I was not doing well over the weekend. I could feel the Depression Beast fighting its way out. Yesterday wasn’t so good either. I was quiet at work (normally I’m a smartass chatterbox, as you could imagine) and I barely ate all day.

So when Dad called to tell me he would be in town and need to stay with me for three nights instead of one like he originally said, I wasn’t exactly jumping for joy. When I’m pissy I want to be alone. My father is a happy smiley type so he has never really understood that whole side of me (and frankly, good for him).

He arrived last night with a truck full of furniture for me. We unloaded it and managed to get the bed and bookcases up three flights of stairs and then promptly rewarded ourselves with beer and some licks of the pasta sauce I was making.

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Yesterday I spent two hours trying to write and make sense of everything that was going through my head. Several bad starts and two completely different posts and still nothing felt right, in my head or on my computer screen.

If you want to put a silver lining on it, you could say “well isn’t it nice to know that good guys do exist out there, even if they are dumbasses?” or “better to now than later he’s an idiot” or “at least you got a free dinner” (I didn’t, I paid my half because he just finished school and doesn’t have a job yet) or “it’s nice to know that your heart hasn’t turned to stone.”

Yeah. If only. I think this may have done it.

My smelly little troll of a heart is running back to the safety of its cave.

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Go here to read what happened next.

Not doing so hot. Last night I went to bed at 6:30pm and didn’t wake up again until a little while ago to get ready for work.

This is really not a good sign. That was a depression sleep, not a “golly gee whiz I’m so tired from partying all weekend” sleep.

And for those of you who think I’m all sad and pissy about this, you’re wrong. I felt it coming even before all that crap. Although it’s certainly not helping.

Oh dear, I think it’s going to be a big Xanax/chocolate day.

STupid pfucking priack and then stupid fucking boys at abar make me want o ckill them all. Al boys. suck,. ecpete jack from jakc in the tbox. he makes hm e happy . mmm goopd barbaeque suace. in kidie meal .

After trhe shit afomr from earlie rthis evenign. I stl want to kill them all.. l;
Fine. Fuckhowl ekhandosm enerd suck. I go out tol fuck yh panin away. Lots o f boys at paty then bar. Boy in my eye gutnr sout has fiance asex ex ex fiancan dd hit on me I thought but then shwne I say so what’s tyour deal hofucklhole. he say he not fhitting on me even htoughtol dmme put his number in hmy hphone. LBecuase ex-fance! fiance. Not hitting on me! Thought iw as wacol cool because hwe went to same smarty uinviersytiy and yada yada. and I don’t care fuckhol ew I awant seax and tkyou can ‘ t even tdo that sutpi ASUPTIDP IDOT.L; I HATE OBOYS;. FUCKHOLSE S.

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I had the perfect first date last night with Handsome Nerd. I mean perfect. All day today I was all sappy and happy and thinking that maybe my heart won’t turn to stone and maybe my pussy won’t become a weapon I use against all mankind for pissing me off one too many times. This evening I called Handsome Nerd (after I knew the college football game he was so excited about was over) just to chat and tell him I had a great time last night.

As soon as he answered the phone he sounded odd.”It’s weird, it’s like you’re too much like my friends. We got along so well and you laughed at all my stupid jokes and it was ok being an idiot in front of you because you still thought I was cool…”

“And that’s bad? I don’t understand.”

“Well, I have my friends, and they’re fun and everything, but you’re exactly like a female version of my friends. I don’t want to hang out with my friends all day and then see you and have it be the same thing.”

“I still don’t see how that’s bad. Isn’t that what all guys WANT in a girl?”

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So so many things were wrong last night on my date with Handsome Nerd.

I was ten minutes late to the restaurant.

We had to go to a different steakhouse because the first restaurant’s wait was 45 minutes long.

He didn’t wear nice “first date” clothes. Or do so much as tuck in his shirt, or wear a belt, and I believe he wore hiking boots or something of the R.E.I. variety.

It did not start well. It also took a while to get the conversation going, mainly because our HIMYNAMEISTAMMYANDIWILLBEYOURWAITRESSTONIGHTANDOHMYGODGUYS
THISPLACESERVESTHEBESTSTEAKREALLYREALLYIUSEDTOCOMEHEREALLTHE
TIMEBEFOREISTARTEDWORKINGHEREANDILOVEITSOMUCHANDIMSOHAPPYYOU
DECIDEDTOJOINUSHERETONIGHT waitress was trying so very hard to be the perfect attentive waitress, talking so much and telling us cute stories and yes, she was very adorable, and I did give her a huge tip because she was an (otherwise) attentive waitress, but COME ON WOMAN, YOU’RE TALKING THROUGH MY GAME, HERE.

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An hour after I got off the phone with Handsome Nerd, I got a phone call from Handsome Twosome, of Handsome Twosome and Pretty Twosome, the very cool couple I’m going to have a threesome with in the near future.We talked on the phone for an hour and a half. Needless to say, we get along well. And it sounds like I will get along with his girlfriend very well too. Yesterday I emailed them to propose meeting for the first time tomorrow night. He called tonight to say that Pretty Twosome is feeling sick and they may not be able to meet tomorrow depending on how she feels, but they’re both hoping she pulls through because they can’t wait to meet me in person.

We talked about all sorts of stuff during the phone conversation, shooting the shit. I told him I was excited about my date Friday night, and he asked lots of questions about the guy.

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When I talked with Handsome Nerd on the phone last night, I told him I usually get home from work around 6 or 6:30.

Tonight I went to the store for necessitites (wine. cereal. ice cream.) and so when my phone rang at exactly 6:30, I was walking up three flights of stairs with my arms full of groceries while it was raining. I shuffled bags around in mid-flight and pulled the phone out of my purse, only to say quickly “Imsorryicanttalknowihavegroceriesanditsrainingillcallyoubackinfiveipromisereallyokaybyeee!”

I flipped my phone shut and managed to get all my groceries into the apartment without dropping anything (note to self: stop drinking so much wine if for no reason other than ALL THOSE BOTTLES GET HEAVY AFTER THREE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS.)

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Read this happy little story here first so you can see the juxtaposition and irony in the situation that follows:An hour after I got off the phone with Handsome Nerd, I got a phone call from Handsome Twosome, of Handsome Twosome and Pretty Twosome, the very cool couple I’m going to have a threesome with in the near future.

We talked on the phone for an hour and a half. Needless to say, we get along well. And it sounds like I will get along with his girlfriend very well too. Yesterday I emailed them to propose meeting for the first time tomorrow night. He called tonight to say that Pretty Twosome is feeling sick and they may not be able to meet tomorrow depending on how she feels, but they’re both hoping she pulls through because they can’t wait to meet me in person.

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That’s right I am triumphantly raising my fist to the sky and giving myself the double-guns because I AM SO AWESOME.I have a date. A DATE. A real date. With a guy I actually like and respect and can look in the eyes instead of the crotch when he talks.

This is Handsome Nerd of course, the cute nice guy I met at Friday’s party who made me laugh so hard my cheeks hurt. He went from hook-up potential to boyfriend potential faster than anyone in my dating/sexual history. Impressive. Especially considering the strength/hunger of The Pussy as we’re going on ten weeks without sex. (Another record for me. Not a happy one, mind you.)

While at Dr. Barbie’s apartment tonight, I grilled her fiance Ken about what Handsome Nerd thought of me. In typical guy fashion he was brief: “Yeah, he liked you. Thinks you’re cute, nice. Sure, call him up.”

YESSSSSSSSS! Don’t mind if I do—

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I’m not good at the waiting game. Never have been. But some things I am much less impatient about waiting for than others.Guys? Generally I want to know what the hell is going on right now.Work? I can wait that one out a lot longer.With guys I’m especially bad if I’m waiting on someone I genuinely like, ie someone I see as quality boyfriend material. Frankly it’s because I assume that any guy I like realizes what a huge deal it is that I’m seeing him as a real human being and not just a hottie to ride for all he’s worth. But you can’t tell a guy that.

With guys I only see as a piece of ass, I can usually wait longer. This is because it’s a lot easier to find a hot guy than a nice guy. (Um, not that I have gotten on a guy of either variety lately, but I am actively trying to improve that situation.)

With work, I’m in it for the long haul. That position I interviewed for in another department at my office–that was what, a month and a half ago? But it’s cool. I’m still here. Being as patient as Mary Fucking Sunshine. It’s cool.

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