The Over-Educated Nympho

Sometimes I find myself so horny, my body so wet with excitement, that it is damn near physically impossible for me to do or think about anything else until the craving is gone.

Sometimes I go a couple weeks without this physical NEED for sex. I never made it longer than a month before I called up a fuck buddy or went out in search of prey. Fortunately being an attractive female, this was never difficult. It was almost like that movie Species. Except without the actual breeding/spawn part.

Since I woke up this morning I have been acutely aware of between my legs because it has been sopping wet all damn day long. How is a girl expected to work like this?

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Sorry I disappeared for the last few days, and after a proclamation of more blog posts thanks to my new spiffy laptop. Maybe you’ll forgive me once I tell you my good news.

I started writing a novel.

It’s going to be great. I’m really proud of it and I wish I could tell you more. But it’s kind of like when you first meet someone really special and the intimacy is so delicate you hesitate to do more than whisper to someone “I think I’m in love.” It’s too early for me to go into detail because the spine of it is still forming and characters are fighting for positioning and all it’s so beautiful in this half-formed state that I almost don’t want to touch it, lest I shatter it into an armful of jagged pieces.

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I was looking through some of my old journal entries and I found this from two years ago. I thought you’d enjoy seeing where I’m coming from. Although I must warn you that this is a little more honest than I would like, but it’s the raw nakedness that makes things interesting.

It was different for a girl. So much harder. Nothing was nothing. Even a half-assed blowjob two years ago with a guy you kinda maybe remember is something.

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I bought a laptop today. Between my new bigger salary, my five-month old savings account, and a birthday present contribution from BF, I was able to go to a real store and buy a brand-new laptop (yes, as opposed to buying something old/ghetto via ebay or craigslist.com, which is the sort of thing I would normally do).

There will be no more fighting, arm-wrestling, or punching my boyfriend over who gets to use his laptop. His.laptop, yes, which was why I usually conceded and would retreat to the far end of the couch and pout. BUT NO MORE!!! I can now post to my blog or write as often as I want for as long as I want without any fighting.

I honestly think buying my own laptop will ease a lot of tension in our relationship.

But aside from that–yes, I am in fact one step closer to taking over the world, via my anonymously published blog….

I wrote this for a dear friend of mine, who doesn’t know what a nice guy is, who doesn’t know what normal is, and who is so wonderful and kind that she deserves the nicest of nice guys.

I also dedicate this to all the nice guys out there who don’t feel appreciated because they’re swept aside for the assholes. Be patient guys, every girl has to date a bad boy or two to realize what she’s missing, and then she’ll appreciate you all the more when she finds you.

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One of my friends just got engaged. The first of all my friends in Texas.

This set things in motion, it seems. Without my involvement. Hours after my newly-engaged friend left the apartment, BF sighed dramatically about not buying any more shiny things for himself because it was my turn for something shiny.

The irony is that BF was the one to bring up marriage, and I was the one trying to hide my panic over the dreaded M-word.

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Creepy old men everywhere I go,
Why must you stare at me so?
I was just walking by
You stopped to say Hi
I don’t look up, I keep on walking
You follow and keep on talking
Like you’re just another nice guy
But I see what’s behind your fly–
You nasty, disgusting old man
Not just another adoring fan
Why don’t you go fuck yourself
Before I cut it off myself

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I woke up this morning with hunger pangs, not a nasty gonna-hurl stomach ache. YES!!!! BRING ON THE DONUTS!!! ARE THERE ANY LEFT FROM YESTERDAY?? THEY’RE STILL GOOD THE NEXT DAY, I SWEAR!

I had a painful stomach ache all day yesterday. Which had been off and on since Friday morning. I thought it was a mix of my normal stomach problems and anxiety. But last night was particularly bad, and I woke up at three am to go puke.

I feel like crap. Not just crap. I feel like crappy crap crap.

But what am I going to do, call in sick on my SECOND DAY at a new job? Karma is totally getting me back for having a remarkable first day. Karma’s a fucking whore.

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One or more of the following may or may not have happened today:

1. There were all sorts of cool things (tshirt, hat, mug, etc) with the company logo on it awaiting my arrival.
2. Nearly threw up today from legitimate stomach illness, not anxiety (progress!!)
3. Tripped on a cord, unplugged the entire office network, fell on president of the company while accidentally grabbing at his crotch in an ill-placed attempt to put out my hand to steady myself, all before landing on my ass and having my pants split down the back seam and show half the office that I wear glittery Superwoman underwear.

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As a final fuck you to my former office, I was sure to leave some of my leftover chicken stir-fry in the back of the fridge in the break room. It has already been there three weeks. I suspect it will be at least two months before the smell starts to invade the rest of the office.

Don’t you dare forget me.