The Over-Educated Nympho

Mom just called. Phew, she’s in a good mood. Thank holy fucking god, mama’s in a good mood. She was calling to ask if she should get ice cream while she’s at the store (duh, mother, YES). I’m so relieved she’s in a good mood. Mom can be absolutely hysterical is she’s in a good mood and/or drunk. I’m incredibly relieved. So we’ll actually have fun tonight and there won’t be any passive-aggressive snarking going on.

But here’s the good stuff from the phone conversation:

Mom: Did you see Dr. Phil yesterday?
Me: No.
Mom: Well luckily I have it on TiVo, so we’ll watch it when you get here. It was really good.
Me: Why?
Mom: He talked about the real reason you may be depressed.
Me: Oh goodie…
Mom: So it’s another genetic disorder you got from me
Me: Well, shit. You know mom, the intelligence isn’t compensating any more. Now you’re just in the red.
Mom: What? The depression isn’t THAT bad.
Me: I was talking about my bad knee, that huge operation six years ago that wasted a whole summer? That surgery with all the pins and things on my x-ray?….
Mom: Oh shit, I forgot about that. Well now I feel bad! It’s my fault, those are all my bad genes!
Me: Mom, it’s ok, really, I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad
Mom: I know, but you got all those bad genes from me! The bad knee, the depression, and now this… and your intelligence isn’t making up for it any more, is it?
Me: No, I think you max-ed that out with the knee surgery
Mom: well shit. Ice cream?
Me: Ice cream helps
Mom: So Dr. Phil. I’m going to go buy a book he recommended on this.
Me: Will you spare me the suspense and just tell me what’s wrong with me now?
Mom: Undiagnosed A.D.D.
Me: Hmm. BF does accuse me of that all the time. I just tell him he’s too boring to keep my attention, but it could be ADD.
Mom: I think it is. Your father accuses me of it all the time.
Me: I know, so have I. So we have it?
Mom: yes, apparently the two key symptoms of undiagnosed ADD in women is anxiety and depression, both of which you have, and the anxiety is especially bizarre because you’re not in school and you’re not working and you’re still just as stressed out as always.
Me: Hmm, that’s true… ADD isn’t really out there as a possibility… and we do have bad genes
Mom: I’m so sorry about more bad genes honey. They’re all my bad genes.
Me: But Dad gave me the creepy toenails.
Mom: Ew, you DO have weird toenails.
Me: Very weird. So you and Dad are even. Although it still doesn’t make up for all the damn pills I have to take.
Mom: What if I let you eat ice cream for dinner?
Me: And strawberry daiquiris?
Mom: Would that make you feel better?
Me: Absolutely. But BLUE BELL, Ma, none of that generic ice cream crap.
Mom: Sure sweetie. I’ll see you in a few hours.
Me: Ice cream and Dr. Phil, it’s a date. Bye Mom

Aren’t we sweet? Oddly enough, yet another genetic dysfunction makes me feel closer to my mother. Awwww.

I am so not freaking out I am so not freaking out motherfucker I am so fucking freaking out arggghhhhhhhhh

I was supposed to leave for my mother’s an hour and a half ago. I was supposed to get there early so Mom and I could spend the evening doing quality mother-daughter bonding, ie eating ice cream, watching trash on TiVo, drinking margaritas, and talking about how girls are smarter than boys.

WHY HAVEN’T I LEFT YET?? WHY HAVEN’T I EVEN FUCKING FINISHED PACKING YET??????? ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Thank goodness BF isn’t here. I dropped him off at the airport last night. His office paid for him to go so we ended uptakin g different flights.

Why oh why oh why did I have to get drunk last night instead of doing all the things I was supposed to be doing? argggghhhhh And now I’m all over-caffeinated to the point of being useless (but I’m being useless really really FAST) and I still haven’t packed and I still haven’t even called Mom to tell her I haven’t left yet. crap crap crap. I so suck at being an adult. Yesterday I got a strange-looking letter from my bank, and I flipped out because I was so sure it was going to be a letter saying “So sorry ma’am, but clearly you are not responsible enough for you to have anything in your own name. It’s a good thing you’re on the marriage track, because otherwise you would have to spend the rest of your life paying bills in one dollar bills reeking of the cheap beer that cheap men spilled all over you and your cheap sparkley tassles last night.”

I so suck. And for some reason my dog is trying to have a staring contest with me. Fuck. She’s giving me a LOOK, man! She’s looking at me like I’m irresponsible! STOP IT!! I SAID STOP IT, DOG, OR SANTA IS NEVER BRINGING YOU SCOOBY SNACKS AGAIN, YOU HEAR ME??