The Over-Educated Nympho

Happy Fourth of July everyone, and don’t go outside without tending to your hair down there. Ok, I know, I could have said “bikini area,” but I had a cute rhyme thing going.

Note: although this entry is targeting women, men should take the time to groom their nether regions as well. Not so much for swimsuit season, speedo-clad Euro-trash aside, but in general for your respective ladies (by the way, the more you trim the bigger it looks), especially if you already use all the tricks you can think of to get her to go face to head.

1. WAXING
I have tried this personally on several occasions, both regular bikini waxing and brazilian. I feel that I should say up front that both hurt like a motherfucker. The brazilian much more so. The difference between the two is the bikini wax only removes hair on the outer regions, ie what can be seen while wearing a bikini. A brazilian is more um, “localized” (translation: they go for the lips. That shit HURTS), and you can also choose to remove the triangle of hair, although it’s standard to leave a landing strip. When I got a brazilian I thought I’d be all sexy for BF and get everything waxed off. Two days later BF came home from a long business trip and said “what the fuck happened to you?!” It was not a pretty sight. Red, bumpy, itchy and scratchy. That shit was there for nearly a week, and I was moisturizing constantly. I do not recommed removing all the hair. Very important: before you go somewhere to wax (do not be cheap and try to do this yourself. Save that home shit-kit for anywhere other than the goods) TRIM your hair to be roughly 1/8″ (3 mm for my two readers in Africa) so that it’s easier for the wax to stick to the roots and hurt less. As much as it may hurt to remove hair from the labia, that was actually a good move because it makes it easier to “navigate” during those crucial times… and there’s nothing worse than him stopping to pull out some unruly dental floss. Say it with me: sooooooooooo not sexy. Do at least five days before a big date.

2. SHAVING
Also painful, but less so than waxing. There’s the razor burn factor no matter what you do, but you can at least alleviate it by using a moisturizing body wash when you shave. Do not use shaving gel. You can’t see shit and you’ll end up with lopsided pubes. Before you shave: TRIM with scissors so that the hair is shorter, roughly 1/8″. It will be easier to shave and not clog up the razor so badly. Besides: do you really want to chop down the Amazon with a dinky little chainsaw? Shaving is good because it’s free, you can do it at home, and there’s fewer bumps and scratchy places than if you wax, meaning you can do this the night of a big date. The trouble with shaving is that you have to do it regularly, about every three days, especially if you’re dark-haired, or else the sides get scratchy and pokey and no one is going to poke you if you’re poking back. If you are very very very careful with a razor, then I encourage you to shave GENTLY the labia, because this is prime territory for loose dental floss. Say it with me one more time: soooooo not sexy.

3. TRIMMING
This is to be used frequently, alone and as preparation for waxing or shaving. In general, even for the Natives out there, I recommend trimming hair down with scissors to roughly 1/4″ (5 mm for the three readers from Africa–but it’s winter there, so what do you care), just so that things like nice and kept and properly groomed. I especially encourage this to all the gentlemen callers, since you’re freakishly hairy to begin with. We women don’t understand this. And as I said before: the less hair the bigger it looks. Extra care is needed near the labia however, in which case I recommend bringing special equipment: the bikini-touch little girly shaver thing sold at CVS and Walgreens everywhere for $10 to $20. Or you can swipe your boyfriend’s beard trimmer when he’s not looking. I prefer the Bikini Touch thing because you can be firm with it without hurting yourself in a way that no therapist can ever cure. If you don’t have one of these, then you may need to call in a beloved to do detail work. I am embarassed to say that the extent of my excitement with an ex was Friday nights we would shave and trim each other’s pubes. Hell knows what his poor roommates thought. But if this is what it takes, then do it. It makes things far far easier in the bedroom. If you’re with someone for the first time, well, you’ve got to make a good first impression so he doesn’t remember you as the crazy Ape Girl with a lightening stripe.

4. DON’T DO SHIT
For you Natives out there–please reconsider. At least for your one weekend at the beach. It’s ok if you’re a feminist and that’s your style and all that, but please at least do some trimming in the pubic area that extends beyond the boundary of a bathing suit. Now if you don’t do anything because you’re a lazy ass, then you don’t deserve to play with others. Leave all that’s covered as long as you want (please shampoo regularly, then condition for softness), all curly and cute and au naturel as you want. Take care of what can be seen. Especially if you’re German. You people have hair coming out of every damn place (hey, I’m part German, how do you think I know this?!) Just please please–the rest of us don’t need to know that you go Native.

Other hints: if you’re hoping for some WHOOP WHOOP, apply scented lotion to the newly shaved/waxed area, which is just enough to cover up the normal amount of sweating. ALthough many guys out there enjoy the natural smell of sweat, and I commend all of you for that because it’s impossible to smell like a fucking daisy for more than ten minutes post-shower. For all other questions, especially if you need a personal consultation–call your gay friend. Leave me the hell alone.

Most importantly: practice safe shaving. Moisturize before and after. Use shower gel so you can see what you’re doing. And don’t have sex with ugly people. They don’t need encouragement.