Lots o’ Love
I have thoroughly, completely, undeniably won over BF’s entire family.
The sister was the easiest–I told her she was pretty (ohmygod, unfairly pretty, she’s so fucking gorgeous I want to kick her teeth in just to give the rest of us a chance in hell) and had great taste in clothes (both true).
The mother was next easiest, but fairly easy anyway since I’m not a vegetarian like BF’s previous girlfriend. I just inhaled a few slices of bacon the first day there and all was well. Not like that was any sort of sacrifice or anything. But the ex-girlfriend had really weird rules for when she would and would not eat meat… apparently poor Mum got confused and thought chicken was ok and promptly spent an hour cooking a chicken dinner, only to have the Evil Ex say “oh, didn’t BF tell you? I don’t eat meat off the bone.” Yeah, Mum’s eyes lit up before I even finished chewing my first slice of bacon. Mum herself just about asked me to marry BF when I started swiping the bacon from BF’s plate.
The younger brother was fairly easy. I have breasts.
Ditto the brother-in-law. Although today during a candid conversation he revealed to me that I’m much much nicer than Evil Ex and it’s so nice for BF not to bring home a bitch that everyone has to pretend to like. I was touched. Then we split a plate of bacon and a package of gummy bears.
The father, not so easy, apparently he’s one of those distant-father types who had no idea how many children he had let alone when their birthdays were. He’s better now, but still detached. Yesterday I asked BF how I was doing with Distant Dad, concerned that I had to up my game to win him over by the vacation’s end. BF asked if Distant Dad had asked me any questions about anything. I said yes. BF said if he’s talked to me at all, he likes me. Hmm. I wasn’t entirely convinced until this evening when Distant Dad actually laughed at me when I held up BF with the electronic pepper grinder.
The hardest member of the family to win over was the dog. A huge fucking beast weighing well over a hundred pounds or kilos or whatthefuckever, a fucking huge motherfucker of a dog who bites to kill. It takes people multiple controlled meetings and lots of food offerings to win over Mean Motherfucker Mutt. On the first day he growled at me and I growled back and all the family members said Whoa, take it easy OEN, he’ll bite… I just talked sweet to him and gave him some bread and told him how fucking cute he was even though he was clearly one mean motherfucker.
The second time I went up to Mean Mutt, he growled and barked until he recognized me in the dark, then just kinda sniffed and licked his ass.
Today I went up to him for the third time and with no prompting on my part, Mean Mutt sat, shook, and then went down on his back and anxiously awaited me to rub his belly. The mouths on Distant Dad and Brother-in-law instantly dropped. I rubbed Mean Mutt’s belly with great smugness over winning over the entirety of BF’s family in less than one week.
